72 Thoughts I Had While Watching Splitsville

August 29, 2025

Photo: Neon

As a tried-and-true Dakota Johnson stan (her limes!!!), I desperately wanted to love Splitsville, the new Neon-distributed comedy she’s starring in, but…all I’ll say is, my kingdom for a state-of-the-modern-marriage comedy that actually makes me laugh.

With that said, there were bright points in the film, to be sure. Find those, and (literally) every other thought I had while watching Splitsville, below.

Kenny Loggins song! Okay, I can probably get into this.

2. I 100% thought this Rose Byrne-looking woman was, in fact, Rose Byrne.

3. Has pottery ever been done by a couple outside of an attempted marriage-saving context?

4. Ooh, pottery AND puns. In a man, a really flesh-crawling combination for me, personally, but to each their own!

5. Not to out myself as a lame prude, but what is movie characters’ fixation with hooking up while driving? Do you actively want to get into a sexually humiliating car accident?

6. Speak of the devil!

7. Did they just...kill a woman?

8. LA is so full of exactly this kind of Nice, Evolved Man, and somehow they’re never available.

9. Also, I hate them all.

10. Oop, divorce time!

11. So soon after...basically killing someone?

12. I guess it would be more manslaughter.

13. Hold on, let me ask my friend in law school.

14. Yeah, she says it’s manslaughter.

15. Wife has been cheating! The plot thickens.

16. Of course Wife has a podcast.

17. Is Husband just...going to walk home?

18. Seems like it.

19. This actually looks like quite a nice little nature hike, minus the emotional turmoil.

20. It’s Dakota, baby!

21. The bangs are especially bangin’ in this movie, I must say.

22. Wait, did Wife tell Dakota and Dakota’s husband about the divorce before she told Husband? Brutal.

23. Assuming they couldn’t get rights to Fiji, hence calling this fancy water "Fiujji"?

24. Simply love a straight couple in which “he can do what he wants, and I don’t want to know about it.”

25. I mean, go off, if that’s the arrangement for you! It’s just not for me.

26. Dakota really does have good comedic timing.

27. I hate when dads yell.

28. Wow, Dakota can also really wear the hell out of a crop top and low-slung pants.

29. This has been a Dakota appreciation post.

30. Wow, meeting at a Fray concert. Were we ever so young?

31. Wow, Dakota and Husband are hooking up.

32. Not her own husband, to be crystal-clear.

33. Classic adult-balding-man slap fight!

34. Wow, this thing is really going on.

35. Like, are they going to kill each other?

36. I guess that would liven up this movie.

37. Then again, there was a death less than five minutes in, and I fear I’m still somewhat bored.

38. There’s something so satisfying about watching an entire fish tank be shattered on TV (although, obviously, I feel for the fictional fish).

39. God, fish are such unsatisfying pets.

40. Simply adore a white man trying to build a 30-plus-story building in Chinatown. All designated affordable housing, I’m sure!

41. Sorry, why is Dakota doing Husband’s eyebrows?

42. Hey, it’s Wife! Loving life, it appears.

43. You know what, a guy who loves Macklemore...at least he’s honest.

44. I’m so confused by this whole vibe.

45. Oh, good, a divorce changed at the last minute into a really passive aggressive-seeming open relationship governed by zero rules. This should suit everyone.

46. Obsessed with Wife’s lineup of chill, cowboy hat-wearing “ex-lovers.”

47. Do kids really have “biodiversity class” now?

48. What’s this Knives Out-ass sweater on Husband?

49. With tiny little shorts, no less!

50. I don’t hate it.

51. I love this song about pasta e fagioli.

52. I love pasta e fagioli, in fact.

53. Should I make a batch tonight?

54. Sorry, this isn’t interesting.

55. Husband is kind of giving Grayson from Cougar Town from the side.

56. Wow, schools really take pantsing seriously now.

57. Go off, anti-capitalist child!