If I’m being oh-so-honest, I never saw the first installment in the Knives Out cinematic universe, nor the second. But my culturally out-of-it streak ended today with Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery, the third film in the franchise, starring Daniel Craig, Josh O’Connor, Kerry Washington, Glenn Close, and more. Let’s see how much of the movie I was able to decipher with only Wikipedia to guide me, shall we?
- This is, indeed, some suspenseful string music! Good summary job, Netflix captions.
- This fire is just making me think of the bonfire scene in Portrait of a Lady on Fire.
- Josh O’Connor, I have received your coded message to become your girlfriend and spend all of my time smoothing your brow, and I am en route to meet you at a secure location.
- “You start fighting wolves and before you know it, everyone you don’t understand is a wolf.” Exactly, Josh!
- The Hot Priest pantheon really goes crazy at this point.
- Not to mention the Cool, Sexy Rabbi!
- Organized religion freaks me out a little bit, but I do love a church-in-a-small-town-on-a-gray-day background.
- Glenn Close is so good at sneaking up out of nowhere.
- “Once in the shower, standing up, which was convenient.” LOL.
- Should I install a stained-glass window in my apartment?
- I don’t think I trust Samson the groundskeeper.
- But only because of the weird music that played at his introduction!
- Coincidentally, Glenn Close is also my angel on earth.
- I love that we, as a society, will draw penises on pretty much anything.
- And I really love that Glenn Close’s character Martha thinks they’re “rocket ships.” Very Kenneth the Page!
- Well, good to know the “harlot whore” is aptly named (if somewhat redundantly).
- “As a teenager, she slutted around bars.” @ me next time, Martha! (Just kidding, I couldn’t get into bars because my fake ID said I was 35.)
- Aw, little Martha!
- “Your inheritance is now Christ.” No pressure.
- OMG, that’s Annie Hamilton!
- Embodying the best church crash-out since Lily Rabe played Sister Mary Eunice on American Horror Story: Asylum!
- Ugh, seeing Kerry Washington on my screen will forever make me want to rewatch Scandal.
- Whom up thinking about Fitz and jam and Vermont?
- I wish my life revolved around my wife Darla.
- Oop, spoke too soon. Bye, Darla.
- Why, it’s the OG Hot Priest himself, Andrew Scott!
- “This is my last chance to get out of Substack hell.” Exactly, king. I mean, I have one, but still!
- What’s up, Cailee Spaeny?
- “Satisfy your selfish heart” is exactly how I’m trying to live this holiday season (and year-round).
- Oh, well, I don’t want to be cursed for it.
- God, Kerry looks so damn good.
- I mean, always, but especially here.
- Another gorgeous-yet-creepy outdoor-church vista.
- Wow, this erection tea is…something.
- “There’s G-O-D in DOGE” is upsetting me.
- Damn, Josh O’Connor can take a punch nicely.
- “You simpering child from Albany,” LOL. LMAO, even!
- I would like the opportunity to spookily whisper the word “Monsignor” out loud someday.
- Jeremy Renner has entered the chat!
- Well, this is gory.
- Likely role for Mila Kunis to play (cop), given her real-life pastime (HOA cop).
- Why don’t small-town police ever close their interrogation-room blinds?
- Josh with the beginnings of a crisis beard? J’adore.
- Daniel Craig’s beard doesn’t look bad either, for that matter.
- I truly love the word “perfidious.”
- Ew, more gore.
- Benoit’s accent is so soothing (to me, but probably not to Father Jud).
- Not referring to turning a dead body as “flipping the meat”!
- I could have lived without that squish noise.
- I kind of want to drink at this suspicious, devil-themed bar.
- I mean, these flames on the booths! Interior decor-tastic!
- Should I start a book club?
- Should I learn to solve crimes?
- Should I build a “knife-shooting robot”?
- Look who’s getting better at punching!
- (Jud.)
- Another solid beard on this other cop.
- Mila kind of serving soft-butch realness in this role, and I don’t hate it.
- God, I want to hang out in this study by this roaring fire (although ideally not while denying murder allegations).
- I’m not totally following this whole flask thing.
- Damn, that is one janky coffin. Hope it’s temporary.
- Heh, self-referential Netflix joke!
- I really want Kerry Washington to yell at me at some point in my life.
- “You eat his shit with a spoon and come back for seconds.” Get their asses!
- “I hate this sad flock of losers” –me, newly back on dating apps.
- Hey, it’s Bridget Everett!
- Well, now I’m crying!
- And now I’m scared!
- God, Daniel Craig’s eyes are so blue.
- And Glenn Close’s updo is so wonderfully wispy!
- Hey, it’s Annie again! Glamorously smoking, while she’s at it!
- Okay, I liked this movie :)
- Maybe I should watch its predecessors?
- In reverse order?
