Disclaimer: This story contains spoilers for the premiere of the Gossip Girl reboot.
I ve waited longer than I care to admit for this day; the series premiere of the Gossip Girl reboot is finally here, and I ve been honing my noticing-things skills on rom-coms for literal years in preparation. We ve been promised a younger, more self-aware new set of teens to hate-watch, but whether the show will deliver on the original s soapy deliciousness is anyone s guess. Let s dive in and see what creator Joshua Safran and company have in store for us, shall we?
- Opening shot of Peter Luger! God, I want a steak (or, more accurately, a rich financier to buy me one).
- We pan over the Williamsburg Bridge to subway cars, from which...we re maybe supposed to infer that the new Gossip Girl kids take the subway? A likely story.
- OMG, Tavi! It feels like just yesterday that I was logging onto a school computer to read The Style Rookie...oh, how we ve grown.
- Three rich kids named—perfectly enough—Julien, Monet, and Luna are texting about which jewels to wear.
- Wow, Julien s Grammy-winning dad is attired to absolute perfection in a knit beanie that screams "Sure, I may have a teenage child, but I m still cool!" He wishes her a happy first day of school, and we re given to understand that we re in a post-pandemic universe. (I think?)
- Protest signs and sex before the two-minute mark, so you know you re watching a 2021 update of Gossip Girl!
- We meet Zoya, the new kid with Jenny Humphrey vibes, whose mysterious half-sister attends Constance Billard, where Zoya is about to enroll for freshman year. She has a cute, nervous dad and expensive sneakers.
- Ah, the nausea-inducing sight of watching a teen spend more money than I currently have in my bank account. I genuinely missed it.
- I m sorry...is Tavi playing a teacher? A teacher who the popular kids feel comfortable bullying? I am officially of crone experience.
- "They just pick on us because they can," laments one nerdy teacher. Somehow, all the teachers are also young and hot?
- OMG, Nate Archibald shoutout! Apparently, he s an esteemed alum. I can t even.
- We slowly get the legend of Gossip Girl, described as an "Orwellian big sister" who kept tabs on students—and, thus, kept them in line. Now, though, they re wanton influencers without a care in the world. Sorry, but I call BS on this; I feel like rich kids have to be slightly better-behaved in 2021 than they were in 2009, if only because there s a far more sophisticated system of online tracking now. Can t act out too much in an Instagram world, or Yale will hear about it!
- Okay, so Julien is Zoya s mysterious half-sister.
- And we re popping Addys and benzos! How very Soundcloud-rapper.
- LMAO, there s a really good turmeric-latte shoutout.
- The words "cancel culture" have been invoked. Everybody drink!
- Tavi is sticking up for the rich kids, saying it s not their fault they inherited privilege. Somehow, I feel she will come to regret this position.
- So now the...teachers are Gossip Girl? Via Twitter? Hmm. Where s the mystery?
- As it turns out, Zoya and Julien aren t actually estranged half-sisters; they re matching-tattoos close, and they bond over their shared mother in a school bathroom.
- "We own this school. They work for us," Julien tells Zoya, which is barf-inducingly similar to the mentality of the horrible prep-school kids I myself grew up with, but I think we re supposed to find it charming, so...onward.
- Julien tries to subtly integrate Zoya into her friend group, which one of her friends isn t down with, because "she has a headband on." Shade to Blair Waldorf!
- I have no idea what happens next, because I m so distracted by this one kid s cheekbones, which look quite literally forged from glass.
- Zoya gets the invite to the cool kids members-only club. Score!
- Okay, this rocks: nobody even likes the teachers fake Gossip Girl tweet.
- I am so upset by how these kids talk to their teachers! Am I...old?
- Aw, Zoya has a 9 p.m. curfew. High school sucks, man, even when you look like a model.
- The teachers have a Gossip Girl summit at Tavi s house and agree to...bully some teens, this time with a particularly incendiary tweet about Zoya.
- There s the Gossip Girl V.O. I missed! Love you, Kristen Bell.
- Now, as in actual high school, I find myself wondering how eleventh graders managed to procure fake IDs good enough to get into cool bars. I guess that s what lavish wealth gets you, but my fake (if I had ever had one, which I categorically deny) was only good for occasionally finagling a twelve-pack of Smirnoff Ice from the bodega.
- Uh-oh, Julien s do-gooder boyfriend is looking a little too interested in Zoya. Wonder where this is going!
- I am LOLing at these kids drinking martinis, a drink I still cannot stomach at the ripe old age of 27.
- "Sant Ambroeus or Yura for coffee," Julien instructs, and I am plunged into my feels, remembering how ludicrously expensive Yura was. (Fun story time: When I briefly attended the school that Gossip Girl s Constance Billard is based on, my mom sent me on my first field trip with Lunchables in a paper bag, while every other girl had salmon pinwheels from Yura in a colorful plastic tote. I guess what I m saying here is...eat the uber-rich, and then their salmon pinwheels?)
- OMG, Zoya is getting added to the group text! A bridge too far, at least according to Julien s mean friends. To be fair, I would be mad about this too, as a group text is sacred and consecrated ground.
- Bar hookup time!
- Everyone gets an IG alert from Gossip Girl, alerting them to the fact that Julien bought Zoya s way into Constance Billard. Zoya didn t know any of this, and is pissed. Sorry, but am I really supposed to believe that a teenage student quite literally decides which kids get scholarships?
- I have to say, as far as drama goes, this could be juicier.
- Okay, a depressed and joyless teen couple taking a perfunctory IG Stories pic because they feel like they have to (mid-fight, no less) does, in fact, hit home. Protect Gen Z!
- Zoya heads home with Julien s do-gooder BF, who confides in her about how he feels like they aren t really dating. They bond about missing some former version of Julien, who s not as...I don t know, influencer-y?
- Ew, one of the teachers snaps photos of Zoya and Julien s BF all cozied up and shares them with Tavi, a.k.a. Gossip Girl? That is, uh, closer to a sex crime than I m comfortable with, but okay.
- Do-gooder BF gets quite literally booed for cheating on Julien upon his arrival at school. (Even though he didn t.) Do his fellow students seriously have nothing else going on? I guess it s high school, so nobody has anything else going on.
- LMAO, Julien is walking in the Christopher John Rogers show at the Armory, which...props to the series for including a non-dated fashion reference, but I feel like CJR wouldn t cast an eleventh grader?
- God, I hope to never hear the words "It s a really big deal for my brand identity" again.
- Julien masterminds a plan in which Zoya gets shut out of the CJR show, while she and do-gooder BF (whose name is...Obie?) are publicly seen together inside.
- I m getting huge threesome vibes from Audrey, her cute pink-haired boyfriend, and the Chuck Bass-esque rake who keeps messing with them both.
- Sies Marjan ref!
- Uh-oh, Julien is shedding followers while Zoya is gaining them. This will not stand!
- Literally, can you imagine if you showed up at a Christopher John Rogers show, only to be met with high-school drama?
- I can truly ID with the teachers streaming the fashion show while drinking cheap beer.
- The mean girls AirDrop the scandalous Gossip Girl photo "from" Zoya s phone and get her kicked out of the fashion show.
- Julien and Zoya get in a big fight, with Zoya saying she wishes she never came to New York, and Julien telling her to fall in line. Somehow, I don t think she will!
- Do-gooder BF reaches the end of his rope and breaks up with Julien. Sorry, but I refuse to call this person "Obie."
- Well, the battle lines are drawn between Julien and Zoya, and while it s no Blair v. Serena, I am 100% on board. More, please!
