When the twinkle lights have been taken down, the leftover cake is eaten, and the honeymoon is over, it’s common for post-wedding blues to set in. Struck with the sudden realization that the wedding is over, a wave of emotions formerly kept at bay can come crashing onto newlyweds who figured they’d be in bliss.
Are Post-Wedding Blues Real?
Yes. There are two main reasons people experience post-wedding depression: either they miss the planning or they re disappointed with how the actual wedding day turned out.
Missing wedding planning is totally understandable. "After months and sometimes years of wedding planning, it all suddenly stops—before you know it, it’s over—no daily calls with the planner, tastings, final fittings, et cetera," explains Colin Cowie, a New York–based wedding planner. All the excitement, planning and buildup is over—and you re left with a hole where all your wedding planning used to live. If you loved wedding planning (or had simply grown accustomed to it as a daily part of life), you can find yourself missing it.
And then, in the other camp, there are people who don t feel that the wedding day was the magical affair they had hoped for. After all was said and done, they find themselves analyzing the day and finding their expectations were not met. “In certain cases, I’ve had brides express a desire to plan the wedding all over again, either to feel ‘the rush’, or to change things from the day that didn’t go the way the newlyweds wanted,” explains Kimberly Fu Skubic, principal event specialist at Envision Weddings and Events.
The pressure to plan a perfect day can lead to extra stress and sadness after a couple says “I do.” Psychiatrist Dr. Yusra Ahmad explains that when less-than-ideal emotions are put on hold, they can take a toll that is only evident after the wedding’s over. “Weddings exemplify our cultural obsession with perfect ideals when it comes to comportment, behavior, romance, and beauty—it leaves very little space for any pain, stress, and struggle,” she tells Vogue. “This leads to a pressure cooker situation where anger, resentment, or sadness builds up until these emotions come out explosively either during the wedding-planning stage or during married life after the wedding is over.”
How to Deal with Post-Wedding Blues
If you re feeling sad after the wedding, there are few things you can do to feel better. First, recognize that your post-wedding depression is real—and valid. Friends and relatives might have thought your big day was perfect—so how could you feel bad? When everyone is asking, “How was the wedding?” talk to people who will understand where you’re coming from, no matter how it seems from the outside. As University of Denver research professor Scott Stanley advises, “Avoid sharing reactions or emotions like this with people who you know not to be reliable or supportive. There are those who think they are helping by saying, ‘Oh, it will be fine. It’s no big deal. Move on ...’ I’d caution not sharing with those individuals; choose wisely—pick the person who will validate your feelings.”
Cowie suggests having a more casual but still celebratory gathering a few weeks after the wedding: “For couples that feel they missed out on the festivities and memories that celebrated their union, a fun idea is to have a ‘wedding reunion,’ whether it is with your wedding party, family, or a combination of guests and close friends. The purpose is to bring everyone back together, to go out and have a good time while making new and happy memories, in addition to recreating the joys of the wedding day.” For couples who are soon to be married, Dr. Ahmad suggests that brides and grooms prevent post-wedding blues from the outset by setting boundaries and prioritizing whatever elements are most important to them. “As a bride (or groom) to-be, you don’t have to wait for society to change. You can start with yourself, your partner, and your family. Communicate your needs openly and honestly and ask your family to do the same. Set the stage for this early by explaining why this is so important to you. You can buck the trend and do things differently. It will take quite a bit of self-awareness, assertiveness, and effort—undeniably difficult, but absolutely worthwhile.”
Finally, make space for yourself during planning: Scott Stanley suggests that couples incorporate “escape valves” into the planning process and the wedding itself. “People need breaks, downtime, reflecting time, opportunities to do nothing, and to slow time down; doing this makes it more likely they’ll be able to savor the experiences,” he says. “Escape valves are essential; just to be together for 30 minutes here and there to talk about, remember, and digest what just happened (the sights, the smells, the sounds) would be smart ... this allows couples to tune out any sensory overload that just washed over them.” Taking this time makes it more likely you’ll be comforted by happy nostalgia rather than plagued by emptiness as you return to everyday life, moving forward to make fresh memories as a newly married couple.