Let’s face it: Between gown hunting, bridal party politics, budget concerns, and a laundry list of overbearing family members, the stressful months leading up to “I do” can be enough to make even the most calm, cool, and collected brides throw in the traditional wedding towel. “There’s a lot of pressure,” says relationship expert and author of Cheat on Your Husband (With Your Husband) Andrea Syrtash. “Everybody has an idea of what you should do on your wedding day, which is why some people are driven to elope, because they’re sick of everybody’s opinions on how they should start their union.” But while it may seem appealing to kick your (growing) 250-plus guest list and traditional ceremony to the curb, choosing to wed sans friends and family is a serious, life-altering decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly (or made after a few too many glasses of Sauvignon Blanc). Thinking about hopping the next flight to Vegas with your soon-to-be groom? Consider these five questions before going to the chapel.
What’s motivating your decision?
While wedding planning can often feel like too many cooks in the kitchen, try to remember that pushy perspectives are almost always born out of love and a desire to be involved in your special day. If you’re dealing with a monster-in-law who has your florist and caterer on speed dial, avoid the temptation of using eloping as a vindictive response—it will only alienate you and your partner from future family functions. Take a step back from your stress and ask yourself if eloping is in line with your personality and how you envisioned saying “I do.” “Some brides dream of having that day where they walk down the aisle and all eyes are on them, but not every woman is like that,” says Syrtash. If you’re naturally introverted and shy away from the spotlight, a Kim Kardashian West–inspired union will likely have you reverting to wallflower mode. Block out the noise and stick with the ceremony that will make you happiest!
What does your partner want?
While the idea of a big bridal bash may have you running for the hills, your future hubby should always have a voice—especially when it comes to weighing in on your wedding (think: Carrie and Big’s one-sided marital meltdown). “This is the kind of scenario where you can’t make a unilateral decision,” says Syrtash. “As you travel through life, you have to be aligned on certain issues, so it’s a good exercise in practicing partnership and finding the middle ground. There are so many ways to land on a compromise, but it can’t be that one person’s perspective is more favored, because that will create resentment.” Have a frank (albeit potentially painful) conversation with your partner, and understand that you may need to budge a little to come to a mutual decision. Remember: It’s his day, too!
How will your friends and family react?
Despite all the hoopla surrounding modern nuptials, at their core, weddings are supposed to represent a celebration of lifelong love and the coming together of two families. Especially where tight-knit relatives are concerned, impulsively eloping can be considered a serious slap in the face. “The couple may say, ‘It’s nothing personal,’ but of course people are going to take it personally,” says Syrtash. “‘You didn’t want me there on your big day?!’ Especially the couples’ parents—they raised you.” While it may contradict the very crux and appeal of eloping, informing friends and family about your decision prior to running off will actually help soften the blow. “If you talk to them, you’re not doing it to ask permission, you’re doing it to let them know that you thoughtfully made this decision with them in mind,” explains Syrtash. While you’re at it, toss in a few extra “I love you’s” for good measure.
Have you considered other options?
“So often we work in terms of all or nothing,” says Syrtash. “Either we’re having a 300-person wedding that’s six figures, or my partner and I are going to City Hall.” If an over-the-top blowout isn’t your bag, map out what more modest marriage options could look like. “Maybe you can have an intimate ceremony, but have a fun party for friends and family following it,” says Srytash. “Whenever you’re overwhelmed by option A or B, try to think of a C.”
Is there a chance you’ll regret your decision?
Like it or not, eloping has the potential to burn more than a few familial bridges. “When you’re married, you don’t live on an island with just your partner,” says Syrtash. “The reality is, you’re going to need to lean on friends and family—or involve them—at various stages of your marriage.” Secretly slipping away to marital bliss with your beau may feel stress-free in the moment, but your incommunicado honeymoon has to end sometime. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure about your decision to elope, chances are the pre-wedding jitters have taken hold of your rational thought and you need to hit the reset button. Take a weekend away for some R&R and clear your mind of wedding jargon. Regardless of which path to wedded bliss you choose, you’ll want to be 100 percent confident in your decision!
Most important, take comfort in knowing you’ve found your modern-day Prince Charming—after years of Tinder, Bumble, and bar nights with your girlfriends, the rest should be gravy, right?