Today—the day I saw the new psychological thriller The Housemaid at AMC Kips Bay, which, for my money, is the best theater in New York—marks a special moment in history. I have not seen a scary, spooky, or even mildly unsettling movie in theaters since a showing of Jeepers Creepers that my cousins snuck me into at age eight caused me to sleep in my mom’s bed for a year.
Granted, this film—led by Amanda Seyfried and Sydney Sweeney, and based on a bestselling novel by Frieda McFadden—isn’t quite on the slasher-flick level of horror and gore, but still… I was afraid!
Let’s dive in and track quite literally every thought I had during The Housemaid, shall we? (Warning: major spoilers ahead!)
- Okay, I didn’t realize that all the trailers in scary movies are for…scary movies.
- I’m hyperventilating just the tiniest little bit, but I’m okay, don’t worry.
- OMG, I forgot Paul Feig directed this. Please, God, give us A Simple Favor vibes!
- I’d even take Another Simple Favor, TBH.
- Sydney Sweeney looking good with piece-y bronde hair!
- Never trust a family with a monogrammed gate.
- Or a giant circular driveway, for that matter.
- Never too early for meat and cheese, Amanda Seyfried.
- Cheat sheet: Amanda Seyfried is Nina and Sydney Sweeney is Millie.
- Ooh, I don’t hate this weird chandelier.
- Paul Feig is really the boy Nancy Meyers when it comes to dreamy (if sterile) interiors.
- Oop, Nina’s pregnant.
- Always a good sign when you tell a near-stranger before your husband.
- I do love Nina’s kid’s dollhouse, even though it’s creepy as hell.
- Normalize paying people for interviews!
- LOL at these glasses being fake.
- Quick thinking with the cops, Millie!
- Okay, if you’re going to wear fake glasses to a job interview, you have to commit to the bit.
- Who’s this silent hot guy?
- Okay, this all-white outfit on Nina is (ironically) screaming quiet luxury.
- I already distrust this husband.
- And this kid, TBH.
- Can an Italian place ever really be “wrong”?
- I hate this little triangle window.
- Not “Enzo the groundskeeper”!
- This shot of Millie sleeping is very The Death of Marat vibes.
- Oh, wow, Nina’s already losing it.
- And Amanda Seyfried is pulling this crash-out off very well!
- Damn, Enzo is fine.
- Well, that was an unsubtle mirror sneak-up shot.
- Now I want chicken piccata.
- “Juice is a privilege, not something you drink out of a dirty glass.” Tea, weird child.
- Oh shit, Millie and the dad (why can’t I remember his name?) are already hooking up?
- LOL, okay, that was a dream sequence.
- Watching Amanda Seyfried be scary is really making me want to rewatch Jennifer’s Body.
- Oh damn, Millie’s on parole?
- “Horndogging all over Great Neck” is a good line.
- I’m so glad my mom never made me do ballet, although I do like the clothes.
- Oh, hell yeah: I love to see Elizabeth Perkins as a fab dowager!
- And this white-gray borderline fauxhawk…iconic.
- Oh God, I feel like Millie being in Husband’s man cave is going to have bad repercussions.
- Or…sexy ones?
- Eek, Millie’s getting thrown out?
- Oh, wait, she’s not.
- Not imminently, anyway.
- Ooh, quiche!
- Wait, is Nina not pregnant?
- I love how mean suburban housewives are in Paul Feig movies.
- It’s true that asking tweens about their crushes should be illegal.
- Oh God, I’m getting increasingly scared about the attic.
- Wait, Cece isn’t Husband’s biological daughter?
- AHHH! Knife! Blood!
- Winter-white separates for Millie? Nina’s too kind.
- Yay, potential nanny friend.
- Okay, maybe not.
- Nina tried to drown Cece?
- I love this one requisite boy in ballet class.
- Sorry, is “winter arts camp in DC” a thing?
- Well, it’s on between Millie and Husband.
- Incredible Lana Del Rey needle drop.
- I refuse to believe that Millie has not yet had occasion in her life to try a martini.
- Time for me to drop my favorite heterosexuality maxim: any man who shit-talks his wife to you will eventually do the same about you.
- Is this man ever not in a tank top?
- Okay, nude scene!
- Wow, galloping shocker: Sydney Sweeney looks beautiful in the morning.
- More quiche!
- Can Millie cook anything else?
- Prison reveal!
- Okay, maybe it’s actually reasonable that Millie’s never had a martini if she was locked up for a decade.
- Oop, Nina knows everything.
- And…Nina’s out?
- Okay, I’m officially afraid of Husband.
- Aaaaaand even more scared.
- All men are awful, to quote Veep’s Selina Meyer.
- I mean, granted, they don’t all lock you in attics, but all men would be tyrants if they could!
- Come through, Gone Girl twist!
- OMG, Nina dancing delightedly to “Since U Been Gone” and waterfalling champagne is giving me life.
- And a cig, too? Get your life, queen.
- Fuck this man.
- Mysterious first wife in the ether…Bertha Rochester boots!
- Man, this guy is obsessed with blonde women not having roots.
- A little fruity of him, if I may!
- Aaaaand my fear is back.
- God, this poor kid!
- “How could a man that handsome…be anyone but a saint?” And that’s why we never trust handsome men, girlies!
- Aw, Enzo vindicated!
- OMG, Millie was in prison for murder?
- Scared again!
- Justice for Millie! We love a little kill-your-friend’s-rapist energy.
- “I guess I don’t handle creeps very well.” Nor should you. Nor should any woman!
- Aw, I love that Cece has a conscience.
- GET HIS ASS, Millie!
- Wait, did Nina leave her that pepper spray? Aw. Joint slay (literally).
- Rest in piss, Husband!
- Obsessed with Millie and Enzo starting an anti-creep vigilante justice organization.
