We all know the Oscars have been through a rough patch. After years of declining ratings, the ceremony has struggled to reclaim the cultural dominance it once possessed, and the Academy’s annual assortment of harebrained schemes to reclaim its relevancy have largely fallen flat: Presenters have flopped, contrived viral moments have come and gone (R.I.P. #OscarsFanFavorite award, we hardly knew you), and thanks to a PricewaterhouseCoopers accountant, they even announced the wrong best-picture winner a few years ago. I’m not the first person to say it, but the Oscars need an overhaul.
Well, worry not, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, for I have a plan. The only time anyone ever seems genuinely entertained during these ceremonies? When you bring out the animals! Remember the audience’s visible delight when Jenny the donkey from The Banshees of Inisherin trotted onstage with Jimmy Kimmel back in 2023? (Or their fury later, when it was revealed she wasn’t the four-legged performer from the film, flown over from Ireland, but instead a “random donkey” sourced from the Los Angeles area?) Or the collective joy upon witnessing Border Collie Messi, who took home the unofficial Palme Dog award in Cannes for his performance as Snoop in last year’s Anatomy of a Fall, wave from his seat in a bow tie?
Moving forward, it’s time we rewarded all of God’s creatures for their unique contributions to the cinematic artform with an award for best animal in a supporting role. I want five past winners scampering on stage to present the nominations and cutaways to their rivals in the crowd clapping their paws. I want pet-size mani cams on the red carpet and a Fashion Police special dedicated to critters in couture. I want the ratings to skyrocket to unprecedented highs, then to receive an enormous check from the Academy in my mailbox.
Who should have been on the ballot in 2025? I’m so glad you asked. Here, I’ve helpfully assembled a list of my personal standouts from the past year in film. (Seriously, Oscars producer team: I want that check.)
The Cat, Flow
Okay, I admit, I actually haven’t seen this one, but my colleague Marley Marius did, so I’ll pass the mic to her briefly. “As a cat owner, I found this movie very distressing. Bravi to the Flow cat, Flow dog, Flow capybara, Flow lemur, and large Flow bird.” Thanks, Marley!
The Rats, Nosferatu
Not only did the army of rats in Nosferatu’s brilliantly choreographed crowd scenes impress, but they also made waves beyond the silver screen—and with a little help from, of all people, PETA. Yes, there were protests at a Nosferatu screening in LA due to the film’s depiction of rats as vectors of the bubonic plague. “PETA encourages everyone to see through these shameful stereotypes and give rats the respect they deserve,” the organization said. Well, quite.
Dundus, Gladiator II
The real on-screen debut everyone should be talking about this awards season? Sherry the monkey. For her star turn as Dundus—best friend of Fred Hechinger’s mad, syphilitic emperor Caracalla in Gladiator II—Sherry quickly staked her claim as Hollywood’s next It girl. Mikey Madison, your days are numbered.
The Turtle, Conclave
Few on-screen animal performances this year had the same gravitas and heft as that of the turtle in Conclave, who is alleged to have beat out six other turtles for the role. In an interview with Vulture, director Edward Berger also revealed she was something of a diva. “It didn’t do what I wanted,” Berger said. “I was shouting at it and trying to push it and finally we got [the take].” Every actor has their off days.
The Monkeys, Wicked
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They may have been conjured up through the magic of CGI, but in Wicked’s pivotal final scenes, the armored (and later, winged) monkeys practically stole the show. We’re holding space for a surprise win this Oscars season.
The Sand Worm, Dune: Part Two
If we’re assessing the nominees in terms of pop cultural impact, then the sandworm in Dune: Part Two wriggles away with the prize—mostly thanks to that suggestive popcorn bucket. You know the one. Even Timmy knows the one! While on the promo trail for A Complete Unknown, the actor told an interviewer that he keeps one “under his bed.” Hmm.
Pimpão the Dog, I’m Still Here
Okay, so my idea for an animal award isn’t actually that original: In the process of writing this story, I discovered there’s something called the Fido Awards (or, the For Incredible Dogs On Screen award), and earlier this week, the pair of Jack Russell terriers who played Pimpão in Walter Salles’s I’m Still Here took home the prize for “best historical hound.” Given the devastating twists and turns of Pimpão’s storyline in the film, that feels richly deserved.
Shrimp, The Substance
Sorry, I’m running out of ideas here, and for some reason the shrimp cocktail that Dennis Quaid chows down on in The Substance sprung to mind. Technically, they’re still animals on screen even if they’re no longer alive, right? As Stanislavski once said, “Remember there are no small parts, only small actors.” Something to think about.