Planning a proposal or just had your partner pop the question? It’s understandable to be curious about traditional engagement announcement etiquette in case you want to shout it to the rooftops (or keep it on the DL, if that s more your style). Whether you want to spread the news with just your family or the entire world who can access your social media profiles, there’s some general protocol to follow if you want to be respectful to the important people in your life.
Of course, etiquette rules in the digital age are always up for argument. You may wonder what even is “traditional” these days? It seems as if modern couples approach engagements more so with intentionality. According to a Zola study, most couples not only discuss rings with their partners, but even shop for them together. Some to-be-weds are even beginning wedding planning ahead of an actual engagement.
Engagement etiquette has evolved, and to answer all your post-proposal questions, we’ve enlisted the insights of William Hanson, a London-based etiquette expert and the executive director of The English Manner.
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How Long to Wait Before Announcing an Engagement
Someone got down on one knee, pulled out a ring, and the other person said, “Yes!” After you get in a celebratory kiss, it’s totally fine to pull out your phone to spread the big news. However, it’s best to consider exactly how you share your newly engaged status.
Who Gets to Know First?
Before sharing with your social circles, proper etiquette dictates that family members should be the first to know. “You need to tell parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and first cousins before posting anything,” Hanson says, adding that immediate family and in-laws should never find out via the Internet. Recognizing that family dynamics and cultural rituals vary, begin by telling those you hold dear as family—whatever that may mean to you.
If you can connect in person quickly, Hanson advises getting together with your parents to share the news. “This depends on where you live, but I would be making the call to invite them to visit for the weekend and share the news then," he says. "You’re only going to tell them once in your life, after all.” Best case scenario? The proposer may have your close family and friends join for a surprise engagement party right after the proposal so you can tell everyone in person.
Should You Announce Publicly or Privately?
As mentioned above, a general rule of thumb should be to first privately announce the news to your family and closest friends. From there, deciding your engagement announcement timing is up to you. You can make a public post all about it on your Instagram page, keep it to your close friends story, or just tell people you want to know directly.
How Much Should You Reveal on Social Media?
While an announcement in the paper used to be de rigueur, these days we’ve mostly gone digital. “With milestone events like this, you’re going to talk about yourself," says Hanson. "Anything you would show friends in real life, you can post online.”
Sharing your engagement news on social media is now the standard, and with the surge in diverse formats like Instagram reels, slideshows, and TikTok videos, these announcements have become elaborate social media affairs, moving beyond the customary single Instagram post. “Etiquette evolves, but there are still considerations when posting an engagement on Instagram,” says Hanson, and ultimately, "anything you share on social media is a form of showing off.”
To avoid coming across too braggy, resist the urge to post close-ups or multiple photos of the engagement ring. “You should never talk about cost, carat size, or where the ring is from,” says Hanson. “If someone comments asking who it’s by, don t reply [publicly]. Message them privately saying it’s from Cartier, Tiffany’s, or wherever.”
In terms of what to say in your post, keep it excited, positive, and give the gist of your news. You can say a little about your love story, or keep it minimal with a few ring emojis. Do what feels natural to you.
As for those who are consuming this wedding-related announcement, Hanson’s advice may be obvious, but bears repeating: “If you see an engagement post, then only comment positively—even if the ring is absolutely hideous.”
What to Do If Someone Responds Negatively
Get some weird responses to your engagement news posted online? Obviously, you don’t want that to cast a shadow over this major life event. If someone responds with a negative comment that feels hurtful, it s okay to hide or delete it. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade.
Who Gets an Engagement Party Invite?
An engagement party is the first bash you’ll host to celebrate your new union, but who s on the guest list? According to Elizabeth Post s great-great granddaughter, etiquette deems should only invite friends and family who you intend to also invite to the wedding. But that doesn t have to be your whole wedding guest list.
Between the engagement party, the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, and the rehearsal dinner, you run the risk of overwhelming guests. “It should be quality over quantity,” Hanson says. “Do one or two events, and do them really well. If you’re going down the engagement party route, then do that and then the wedding. That’s it. Otherwise, people are so fed up by the time the wedding arrives they just want to get it over with.”
“Etiquette in its most basic form is about putting other people before yourself, and you should consider people s budgets when choosing what you’re asking them to attend and travel to," shares Hanson.
An engagement party can vary in formality, so you can send out invitations based on the scale of the event. A mailed invite can be a nice gesture, but a digital Paperless Post is also totally appropriate. Doing a casual, impromptu invite right after the engagement? A text blast can suffice.
How Best to Save the Date?
A save-the-date card lets guests know that they’re invited to a wedding with a date, a location, and an expectation that they will receive a formal wedding invitation shortly. Prior to finalizing a date, triple-check for any holidays, birthdays, or potential conflicts, especially if you re considering a destination wedding; informally reach out to your friends and family to ensure the chosen date works for them, too.
“With close friends, I’d call them first and then send something in writing,” says Hanson. “A call alone isn’t enough because you don’t know what they’re doing at the time; they could be on the treadmill. A call, followed by a text or a card, is fine.”
On the timing front, Hanson recommends giving guests a year’s notice with the save the date. “If you’re getting married abroad, then the more notice the better. If you’re only getting married three miles away and your guests are local, then it’s not always necessary.”
What’s the Deal With Plus-Ones?
Following Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette tips, it’s recommended to automatically invite spouses, fiancés, and live-in partners of each guest. Members of the bridal party should similarly be granted a plus-one; maintain a consistent set of criteria for the rest of the wedding guests to avoid any potential issues or misunderstandings. “It’s up to you and your judgment with plus ones," says Hanson. "I d say if you have met the partner, invite them. But if you haven’t, then they’re an easy cut.”
The safest route is to make the invitation crystal clear by including specific guests’ names rather than “and family.” There are cultural considerations to make, too. “Culturally that’s confusing—guests might live generationally in larger families," Hanson says.
It s also appropriate to choose whether or not you want a kid-free wedding. “If you are inviting the children, too, you must list each child by name,” Hanson says. And for invitees: “If your children s names aren t on the card then you absolutely must not bring them.”
