I’ll admit it: I wasn’t always a fan of the Bachelor extended universe. For years, I watched my roommates huddle together with wine and popcorn, ready to gorge on unlimited scenes of attractive people making out and rejecting each other in fancy villas, before heading to my room and shutting the door. I was no reality-TV snob (just ask the viewing history on my Netflix account), but there was something about manufactured romance that just wasn’t for me.
I’m not sure how, when, or why (though I suspect it has to do with finding a reliable local bar to watch at), but suddenly a switch was flipped, and now I can’t get enough of season 17 of The Bachelorette, which tracks 30-year-old bank marketing manager Katie Thurston as she sifts through a deep pile of men, now cut down to 22, to find her one true love. Unfortunately—or fortunately, for the purposes of exciting group viewing—not all Bachelorette contestants were created equal. Two episodes in, find an official power ranking of this season’s remaining contestants below:
I cannot emphasize this enough: This man dressed up as a cat to meet Katie, and she still made out with him. While he was dressed! As! A! Cat! I’m so horrified by this scene, a full week later, that I can barely speak of it.
Okay, I may have an irrational dislike of names starting with Q, but I am also not a fan of any vocation that involves “hacking” nutrition. Next!
My fellow-viewer friend and I agree that Greg has “Bumble face,” an affliction that is basically exactly what it sounds like; he seems like someone you’d see on a dating app.
No cops, no DAs, no gods, no masters.
Karl does not motivate me, personally.
Looks far too much like Pete Buttigieg for my personal comfort level. (Come on, you see it, right?)
Mike is admirably sculpted, but unfortunately, he resembles an adult version of a kid named Ben who once snapped my training bra at summer camp, and for this he must suffer.
Why is his neck so square?!?
Justin looks kind of hot-but-mean, and I’m not sure whether “hot” or “mean” wins out.
Serial-killer vibes, but still cute. Do I have a type?
Pretty eyes, but I don’t trust this facial-hair arrangement.
Meh.
Slightly less meh, but still meh.
We love a firefighter! Even a trainee!
I have nothing clever to say about David, he’s just hot.
A well-dressed cutie who can fix my cursed, broken laptop? Yes.
I like big ears, and I cannot lie.
Tre is apparently afraid of piranhas, which I find extremely relatable.
Why am I so attracted to this dad with a tattoo sleeve? (You can’t see it in this picture, but trust me, it’s there.)
We love a redhead who loves his dog!
Not only does this man look good in a turtleneck, but he’s also in Vienna half the year for work. Dream boyfriend status! (Is my lesbianism showing?)
Yes, he was literally in a box for most of the first episode, and yes, I’m a fan of the commitment.
