It’s no secret that along with snow and ice, the holidays usher in uncomfortable emotional terrain. The season triggers memories, expectations, and experiences that can be a struggle to navigate, particularly for those facing depression or anxiety. There’s expected attendance at family get-togethers during which compassion for mental illness may be nowhere to be found, the social media deluge of merriness that seems to require a significant other or companions you may not have, and innocent chitchat at parties that can quickly devolve into an exhausting performance of hiding personal obstacles. The root of the resulting gloom can be difficult to pinpoint and even harder to explain, whether it’s mental, emotional, or financial. What is crystal clear is that a personal commitment to do things on your own terms can help restore equilibrium during the flurry of the holiday season.
Here, three of the Internet’s beloved “sad girls”—those who have unabashedly shared their antisocial, introspective, and gloomy feelings online—weigh in on navigating year-round blues around the holidays.
Skip as Many Holiday Festivities as You Want
“Skipping holidays is key for some people, and it has probably saved my ass at some point in the past,” says Darcie Wilder, author of literally show me a healthy person. “I think no matter if you attend anything, it’s about having enough of a support system via other people or yourself. Taking care of yourself looks different for everyone, and can involve being challenged in ways that force you to grow healthier habits.”
Sometimes opting out doesn’t mean skipping an event. The holidays can prompt “a lot of pressure to show your love or worth to people in material ways or otherwise, and a lot of the time we simply don’t have the money or emotional capacity to do so, which can make one feel incredibly guilty—though it shouldn’t,” says Esther Fan, cofounder of the erstwhile online art collective Sad Asian Girls. “Be honest and transparent with your loved ones about your capabilities. They will, or should, understand.”
Create Your Own Kind of Getaway
“Both of my suicide attempts have happened during the holiday season,” shares Elyse Fox, mental health activist and founder of Sad Girls Club. “Once I begin hearing Christmas jingles and see the city slowly transform to a scene from How the Grinch Stole Christmas, I become anxious. What has worked for me is acknowledging that the holiday season is inevitable and preparing a ‘trigger getaway plan’ for myself. I create a list of self-care rituals I can do at anytime and a playlist of feel-good songs to play while en route to visit family or to play when I’m feeling anxious.”
“Returning home is incredibly triggering and anxiety inducing and it’s easy for me to become suffocated in all of that, as I have limited privacy and time alone there,” says Fan. “Add a language barrier between myself and my parents along with queer-antagonism, organized religion, and other personal traumas, and I’m ready to implode within the first hour of being home; being able to understand my parents’ words but being unable to respond with a rebuttal is really torturous. I typically keep my phone with me at all times for easy access to social media in order to reach out to friends or strangers in similar situations, or just for vent-tweeting into the void.”
Another way to decompress, Wilder shares, is through relaxing beauty activities, like sheet masks. “I think they are so helpful because they’re a tactical, sensual experience that puts me in my body, and it’s also an activity to do with family—you can take cute holiday sheet mask selfies. I used to try to disappear into my phone as much as possible, but that wasn’t the best for my mental health and made more strife when my family would feel hurt that I was ignoring them in favor of strangers on the Internet. But any form of recharging, even just zoning out and feeling alone in a crowded room, can be therapeutic.”
Treat Yourself to Simple Pleasures
If you’re a health-conscious diner who appreciates clean eating, similar to Fox, letting loose with greasy and chocolaty foods during the holiday season can be the perfect treat. For Wilder, listening to experimental pop group PC Music, hanging out with her dog, and using special fragrances to brighten her mood has proven effective. “I think I need as much of a reminder that it’s okay to be happy, to not stew in the sludge of emotion, as it is to feel the debilitating feelings,” she says. If material things don’t provide much of a mood-booster, take a page from Fan. “I’m selective about who I spend my time with, and it’s important that they aren’t people who leave me feeling more drained than before seeing them. Dragging myself out and inevitably spending a little money while with people I have love for is how I treat myself.”
Indulge in Binge-Watching
Is it really the holiday season if you haven’t binge-watched a series in your pj’s? If you’re looking for a show that mirrors your blues, Fox recommends BoJack Horseman. “There’s something about that drunk, depressed horse that’s relatable. The writers do a great job of shining a light on depression while keeping the show bouncy and funny,” she says. On the other hand, something serving up nostalgia and familiarity with less dour vibes works best for Fan these days. “I tend to rewatch a lot of TV series,” she says. Her latest picks? “I’m a little ashamed to say, the most recent shows I’ve done this with are It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and That ’70s Show.” And, of course, laughter is the best remedy. “My favorites have enough of a balance to be watched casually or like white noise when you need to veg, or absorb you into their world if you want to get really into them,” Wilder says. “Obviously, The Office, Community, Parks and Recreation, Arrested Development. But my uncle keeps putting on Sanford and Son, which I think is a weird choice.”
Get Into the Giving Spirit
Fox has found that helping others with their problems is an antidote to feeling sad, over the holidays and in general. “I’ve become a ‘depression coach’ for a lot of friends and strangers online,” she explains. “Through my Instagram @SadGirlsClub, I have the ability to help thousands of girls with their problems, and it always makes my day a bit brighter.”
Wilder agrees that simply doing something kind for another person can help bring genuine cheer into your life. “I think the only thing that ever really makes me feel good is helping someone else, whatever form that is. Sometimes it’s just sharing my feelings online, or making jokes out of something incredibly traumatizing or sad,” she says. For Fan, it’s all about finding comfort in the community she has created: “I’ve narrowed down my social circle—both on- and offline—over time to majority QTPoC [queer and trans people of color], and so when I do have the energy to leave my apartment, I’ll know that I’ll at least be heading toward another safe environment.”