You would think that staying with a friend for the weekend means ultimate relaxation—you’re fed, lodged, and pampered while you veg out in PJs and socks. Think again! Unless visiting your BFF, being invited to someone’s home—a beautiful country-house, a castle, a chalet, or a cottage, wherever, whatever the occasion—remember that nothing in life comes free. If vegging out is what you need, just stay home or at a cozy hotel. By RSVPing to a weekend gathering, you become little figurines on your host’s social board game. A guest you may be but there are expectations and etiquettes to follow. Don’t be put off. In an ideal world, everyone wins. So pull up your socks, up your frocks, and check out a few of my rules on being a good houseguest:
N.B.: Some of these “rules” will apply more to European homes, where antiquated and wonderfully old-fashioned customs and traditions still rule. But American invitations can be even more competitive, so the following will serve you well on both sides of the pond.
The Dress Code
Formal invitations will be clear about what to wear. Shooting weekends or a countryside invitation can be trickier to navigate. You might rightfully think going to the country means big boots, sweaters, and jeans. Grave mistake. At least in Europe, countryside weekends can be elaborate affairs involving gowns and jewels. Even with a more “casual” get-together, changing for dinner is the norm (think Downton Abbey).
As a general rule, dressing up is always safer than dressing down. I have yet to meet a host who is not delighted to see you make an effort. Recently I was invited shooting in Spain. The dress code for the first night was “casual.” Did this mean staying in my travel clothes (black jeans, a denim shirt, cardigan, and sneakers)? Would I change into a pair of killer heels and a lick of red lips? Or would I do a full outfit change and freshen up? I figured traveling all day meant the latter would make me happiest. I opted for my kind of casual: my favorite Balenciaga leather mini, a simple white Equipment shirt, and pink and sparkly Manolo flats. Driving into a stunning courtyard of a 13th-century Finca lit up by burning torches, and later over drinks in a beautiful room with a roaring chimney, I felt much better to be “dressed.” Sure, a few of the girls were still in jeans and shirts, as were some of the boys, but changing clothes changed my mood and outlook. I always recommend it.
Arrival and Departure
In England, punctuality is abided to with military precision, even for dinner parties. I don’t think I will ever get used to severe punctuality. In my book it is rude to arrive to a party on time. Give the host a break, guys! If the party is called for 8:00, I say 8:30. Italians and French will probably agree while my English friends would probably frown at how Euro that is. And the Spanish? Well, they would never invite you for 8:00. As for departure time, my rule is simple: Leave sooner rather than later. You never want to overstay your welcome.
Late Cancellations
Hotels will charge you a hefty sum for this faux pas. And so will your host. At least metaphorically speaking, this audacity will be noted. Both in Germany and England, backing out last-minute is considered very close to social suicide. Headcounts are usually precise, table seating arranged, guestrooms assigned. New Yorkers have a much laxer attitude to the changing of plans, which agrees much more with me. But in England you need to be reliable. A friend mentioned a certain “uncle” keeps a little book where the names of “offenders” are noted. I tried to get more details on this uncle but my friend insisted he had never said such a thing and I was confusing reality with a Nancy Mitford novel.
Sleeping In
The jury is out on this one, but no host likes to have their guests waking up well into the afternoon. At the aforementioned Spanish weekend, one of the girls slept halfway through the day while the rest of us ladies joined the boys out in the forest for elevenses (aka the midmorning break during a shoot). Not that it really matters when you rise, but it’s part of being a good sport to show up at some point. I have also seen late sleepers drenched in cold water at a party in Germany—not so fun!
Dietary Requirements
This point I cannot stress enough: In Europe you never mention any dietary needs to your host unless you suffer from a life-threatening allergy. (And no, a mild gluten intolerance does not count as such.) If you really struggle with the concept of a heavy fry-up first thing in the morning (and who doesn’t?), pack your gluten-free crackers and protein bars and nibble away discreetly. A German friend of mine sustained herself for an entire weekend in the English countryside on such bars then just drank her remaining nutrients in the form of red wine.
Thank-You Notes
This is the fastest way into the heart of your host. English may lead the pack with a near-obsession for card writing. In Germany, thank-you notes are sent predominantly to the older guard. But it always works wonders. My mother pretty much can’t remember any of my friends’ names. She will, however, never forget a nicely written thank-you note.
TMI
Never complain and never explain! In England, too much information is basically anything below surface level. Stick to weather, dogs and horses, or your day’s activities. If you want to rock the boat, just tell your seat neighbor about a revealing therapy session and see him squirm in his seat.