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A year after I was raped at 18, I sank down on the sidewalk, unable to keep going. I closed my eyes and didn’t get up until a friend found me and helped me into bed, where I didn’t speak or open my eyes for hours. I felt like I was trapped in time, unable to access relief until after the day had passed.
A reaction like that, I would later learn, is common among survivors of sexual assault on their trauma anniversary—including those who no longer have an active PTSD diagnosis. Sara Schmidt, a clinical psychologist and expert in dialectical behavior therapy, says that on trauma anniversaries, her clients tend to “start isolating themselves more, and sometimes they don’t even realize they’re doing it.”
After 15 years of working through my own trauma, I wrote a book, Tell Me What You Like: An Honest Discussion of Sex and Intimacy After Sexual Assault, to help others do the same. Through personal healing and research into how to better cope with trauma’s fallout, I’ve learned a lot about how to navigate trauma anniversaries. Here, a little of what I’ve gathered:
Trauma anniversaries mark the day a person’s traumatic experience occurred. Not all people experience them the same way, but licensed professional counselor Kim Rippy explains that the powerful response a trauma anniversary can trigger comes from the brain’s mechanisms for survival. Our minds pick out “data points present in the initial trauma” and “encode them as red flags for future experiences,” Rippy says. Our brains and bodies tend to remember dates—as well as smells, sounds, and visual cues—linked to a traumatic event in an attempt to protect us from future harm.
For those whose trauma took the form of compounded, constant oppression, its aftermath will look a bit different. “In marginalized groups, sometimes the trauma that they experience is more related to chronic invalidation,” observes Vibh Forsythe Cox, PhD, director of the Marsha M. Linehan Dialectical Behavior Therapy Training clinic. Though these folks can also experience trauma anniversaries, other triggers (or even just other dates, such as Mother’s Day or Christmas) may affect them more deeply.
Dr. Cox points out that no matter what time of year it is, you can start preparing for a trauma anniversary by connecting with a new therapist. If you already have a therapist, you can plan for additional sessions around the day.
Otherwise, seeing loved ones can help us manage trauma anniversaries; or, if you don’t have a strong social network nearby, Matthew Robinson, PhD, program director of the Trauma Continuum Program at McLean Hospital in Massachusetts, suggests taking advantage of Zoom, FaceTime, or even texting. “It’s helpful to be able to talk about things openly and honestly with someone who’s going to get it,” he says, even if that person can’t be there in person.
For those navigating a trauma anniversary alone, Dr. Schmidt recommends focusing on the basics, like “treating physical illness, avoiding mood-altering drugs, balancing sleep. They’re the things that we all know we’re supposed to be doing,” she notes, but at a vulnerable, challenging time, “they’re often the first things to go.”
Licensed clinical social worker Malka Shaw says to make a specific plan for yourself, whether that’s “taking a day off work, going to be in nature, or going to a yoga class.” Dr. Schmidt suggests adding a layer of accountability by scheduling something like a massage in advance. Licensed master social worker Laura Levitt points to tools like the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise (counting things you can see, feel, hear, smell, and taste) or intense physical exercise (which relieves tension and boosts endorphins) that can easily be done alone.
Some people, however, may find that adhering to their normal routine feels best—more proof that there is no correct way to find stability and safety on difficult days.
For survivors of trauma, the goal of therapy “isn’t that the trauma anniversary [no longer] causes them to feel anything,” Dr. Schmidt says. Instead, the idea is to “have the skills to be able to navigate it.” Empowerment is a crucial part of coping and of post-traumatic growth more generally—the concept that we can find meaning after a trauma in how we choose to repair ourselves in its aftermath.
For people with recent trauma or those who haven’t worked through it, a positive spin on the anniversary may not be a realistic option just yet; historically, my own trauma anniversary has felt like something to get through. But now I see these days as opportunities to honor how far I’ve come. Where I once sought out a shoulder to cry on, now I’m more likely to go out to dinner in celebration of my healing progress.
And while trauma may be felt individually, it can also be experienced by—and responded to with—a community. Cicley Gay, board chair of the Black Lives Matter Global Network Foundation, says that her work around trauma anniversaries involves bonding grief to justice, connection, and commemoration. “We are centering Black love and Black life as opposed to only focusing on Black death,” she says, noting that her community calls trauma anniversaries “angelversaries” to celebrate the lives of people lost. “We try to carry that memory as a part of this ongoing story of survival and resistance and love.”
My trauma anniversary falls on July 29. When, months ago, my publisher announced my book’s release date—July 29—at first I panicked. What if I felt terrible the whole day? But then I realized the day was so much more meaningful now: an opportunity to reflect, take care of myself, and grow, though I also have a backup plan and a therapist to call on in case I do feel worse. It’s up to each trauma victim to choose their own path, knowing the many ways we can ask for and give ourselves support along the way.
