There’s a fine line between moving through a handful of serious relationships over a long period of time and “serial monogamy,” the pattern of hopping from partner to partner, endlessly. In fact, many experts say that an inability to stay single for more than a few weeks might be a sign that not all is well psychologically. “Serial monogamy can indicate challenges in forming healthy, stable relationships,” explains Kinsey-certified sexologist Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn.
But in a world filled with hopeless romantics and long-term situationships, what exactly defines serial monogamy? And, is it really so wrong? Here’s what to know about the modern relationship trend.
What is serial monogamy?
Serial monogamy is not defined by the number of exclusive relationships one enters into, but by how little time elapses between them. “Serial monogamy is the act of constantly moving from one relationship to another without taking any time at all to heal, grow, and reflect,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist Adrienne L. Marshall. “It doesn’t matter how long the relationship lasts; whether it’s six months or six years, a serial monogamist will immediately jump right into another relationship after the previous one has ended.”
On average, most secure people will spend anywhere from several months to several years single or casually dating after a significant relationship ends. A serial monogamist, on the other hand, is unlikely to go without a partner for more than a few weeks or months. In extreme cases, they may not break up with their current partner until they have another potential paramour lined up.
“It’s common for serial monogamists to not have been single for more than a couple of months at a time since their teens,” notes Sophie Roos, a licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and sexual health expert.
How common is serial monogamy?
Witnessing someone—or yourself—jumping from one partner to the next can be whiplash-inducing, yet it also fits into a broader cultural pattern. In truth, most of us will experience several exclusive relationships over the course of our lives—especially with marriage rates on the decline and the use of dating apps on the rise. “The practice of serial monogamy—i.e., transitioning, often rapidly, from one monogamous relationship to the next—is a far more common sexual trajectory for an individual than consensual non-monogamy or lifetime mutual monogamy,” a recent study confirms.
As renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel is famous for saying, “monogamy used to mean one person for life; now monogamy means one person at a time.”
Signs of serial monogamy
As common as serial monogamy is, most of us aren’t quick to identify it in ourselves. “While it may seem obvious to family and friends, many people are unaware that they are indeed serial monogamists,” agrees sex therapist Dr. Shamyra Howard. To that end, here are some common signs to look out for:
- Every person you date is “the one.”
- You dislike being alone or have difficulty enjoying alone time.
- When starting a new relationship, you love-bomb your partner immediately.
- You push to be serious and want to settle into a new relationship quickly.
- You’ve lived with several partners or been married or engaged several times.
- You feel stress, anxiety, or guilt about being single.
- You believe relationships prove your value, desirability, or success.
- You “need” to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled.
- You’ve had multiple “serious” relationships in a year.
- You have a high need for emotional and physical closeness.
- You exhibit signs of codependency.
- Your relationships burn fast and bright.
Is serial monogamy bad?
With all that said, serial monogamy isn’t always a sign that something is inherently wrong—but it can definitely be a red flag. “The tricky thing about serial monogamists is that they may sincerely just prefer relationships to casual dating,” says Marshall. “There is nothing wrong with that. However, the red flag shows up when a person has not given themselves time to breathe and reflect on the healing and self-improvement that may be necessary.”
Most relationships end for a good reason, and taking time to examine the part we played in the dynamic enables us to learn from our mistakes and avoid making them again. Time alone is also essential for truly moving on. “It is important to process any relationship we find ourselves in, regardless of the length, commitment, and monogamous status,” says psychotherapist Brianna Paruolo.
Equally important is the ability to be alone without seeking validation from others; there’s a reason the old adage “if you can’t be happy single, you won’t be happy in a partnership” still holds. As psychotherapist Ken Fierheller says, “it’s not necessarily bad to enjoy having a monogamous partner. What is bad, however, is if a person truly cannot enjoy or even function without an exclusive partner. The ability to be single happily is important.”
Ultimately, a person’s inability to be comfortable alone could be a sign that they have underlying attachment or self-esteem issues that actually make it challenging for them to sustain a relationship long-term. “These traits can contribute to the breakdown of a relationship over time, as they affect the relationship’s overall connection,” explains Howard. “This breakdown in connection can cause relational issues that spill over into other relationships and even into different areas of intimacy, including the bedroom.”
What are the causes of serial monogamy?
All of us long for connection, intimacy, and love. “The initial romantic phase can be intoxicating; we are focused on all of our partner’s positive traits,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Audrey Schoen.
A serial monogamist, however, may be addicted to that initial rush yet harbor subconscious fears that prevent them from sustaining a healthy bond once the butterflies disappear. These subconscious fears are often caused by all sorts underlying and somewhat intertwined psychological issues, such as low self-esteem, unhealthy attachment styles, and unresolved trauma.
Experiencing past trauma or an emotionally tumultuous childhood can lead to unhealthy relationship habits or an insecure attachment style. “For example, experiencing a parent’s divorce can cause one to experience unhealthy relationship habits and connections,” explains Howard.
“Past traumas or attachment injuries can cause someone to seek connection intensely, but later pull back from intimacy as things get real,” adds Schoen.
Along those same lines, a serial monogamist may have an intense fear of loneliness driven by low self-esteem. “Many people are afraid of being alone. Instead of embracing being single they’d rather be with someone, even if they’re not totally in love,” explains Suwinyattichaiporn. “They always need a relationship to justify their importance or as a way to seek validation.”
Sustaining a relationship long-term isn’t always a walk in the park. “As relationships go on, they require work and emotional maturity to be maintained,” sex therapist Emily May says. “This is often something a serial monogamist isn’t always ready to face. A lot of serial monogamists are avoiding some emotional heavy-lifting.”
On the surface, it may seem like a serial monogamist loves commitment, but it can actually be the opposite. After all, it’s usually at the point when things “get real” that a serial monogamist cuts and runs. “There’s often a deep-rooted fear of commitment or, more specifically, the loss of freedom and independence that comes with it,” notes May.
At the same time, many people place a high value on being in a relationship—which is somewhat understandable, given the way our culture exalts coupledom. For example, a serial monogamist may have internalized family pressures, feel the tick-tock of the biological clock, or believe stereotypes that depict singles as unwanted, undesirable, and unloved. “Many people are taught that they’re only as good as their relationships, so they view relationships as an indication of their inherent value or self-worth,” Howard says.
How to break the cycle of serial monogamy?
The good news? Serial monogamists can definitely find deep, lasting love—it just takes introspection and self-work.
First, they must ask themselves if their constant string of romances is causing undue anxiety, chaos, and stress. Then, they must consider if their patterns are actually sabotaging their chances of happiness. “Recognizing the pattern is half the battle,” May says.
Next, the best thing to do is to stop dating completely. “I know, it’s like telling a kid to stay away from candy, but space is crucial,” says May. “I tell my clients to really sit with the discomfort of being single. Spend time figuring out what you actually want from a relationship that isn’t just about avoiding loneliness.”
The hiatus from dating needn’t last forever; the point is to learn to be securely alone in order to securely attach later. When a recovering serial monogamist is ready to date again, the next step is to take it slow. “Like, really slow,” May says. “No need to plan a future after date three.”
Do serial monogamists ever settle down?
Yes, a serial monogamist can settle down. However, “in my experience, it’s only after self-reflection that someone can build a relationship based on more than just the initial chemistry,” May says. “Therapy helps a lot here, especially when it comes to recognizing patterns and dealing with underlying emotional fears. Learning to be emotionally independent is a huge step.”
After all, serial monogamy isn’t the worst thing in the world; it is totally normal and beautiful to crave connection, intimacy, and romance. Self-sabotage, on the other hand, isn’t so sweet—especially when it leaves behind a string of broken hearts. Unhealthy patterns, unhappiness, and unhealed wounds are always worth exploring—and sometimes that means taking the time to dig a little deeper alone in order to eventually build a healthy partnership long-term.
