When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye. Contact her at DearShonVogue@gmail.com for your own chance at enlightenment.
Dear Shon,
I am in a happy heterosexual relationship with a man. We have a lot in common and I love him so much. I was single till I was 30, and have a large group of close friends, some happily single, some non-monogamous, some queer, a few married in tiny registry office weddings, some cohabiting with no desire to be married.
He, on the other hand: All of his friends are exclusively straight, engaged, and preparing to have huge weddings. I went to two weddings of his friends this year, and the experience drained me, both financially and socially. Both were in the middle of nowhere—one abroad— and both required time off work. I spent the weddings awkwardly chatting to the few people I knew and my boyfriend. Most of the time I found myself sitting in the restroom with a headache. I’m not really a big drinker, and get a lot of social anxiety around new people.
All of the other girlfriends seem to know each other. I have a feeling they don’t really like me. The one girlfriend I actually connected to was dumped recently by his friend, and I found myself devastated, as she was my social life raft. But I also have my own friends and don’t see why I have to take on my boyfriend’s friends’ girlfriends. Sometimes I feel because I’m bisexual, I don’t really fit in with them. I feel too weird, too queer, and too quirky in their eyes.
Two of his friends got engaged recently, and I found myself reacting to the news with dread. We are expecting an invitation to another wedding soon. Is there any way I can tell my boyfriend I don’t want to go? I feel like a terrible girlfriend. But I just don’t enjoy them. The ironic thing is, I don’t think he enjoys them either. He just feels like he has to go.
Do I have to suck it up for the man I love?
Hiding in the restroom
Dear Hiding in the Restroom,
I hear you and have been there. Let’s be honest there’s only one thing straight people love more than Friends and Mr. Brightside by The Killers and that’s attending each other’s weddings. I remember discovering this fact a few years ago when I dated a straight guy and hung out with his college friends. Like you, my own social scene had much more varied romantic lives and very different priorities. Sure, some got married, but weddings were few and far between and, for the most part, lowkey. To the uninitiated, friendship groups where big weddings are the norm can be a culture shock in the precise way you describe. An expensive one.
I also don’t drink, so I know firsthand just how challenging a wedding can be on the social battery: they’re a whole day of small talk with people you don’t know well who are often getting more and more inebriated as the hours pass. I say this to reassure you that there’s nothing wrong with you for hiding in a restroom—sounds very normal to me!
I want to just stop for a moment on your fears about not being too weird to be liked by his friends. I haven’t seen any of you interact, but there’s a chance that you may be projecting slightly onto his friends’ girlfriends. I know it’s a drag (not our kind of drag) and kind of nuts how a lot of straight friendship groups seem to intuitively divide so that the women and men all gravitate towards one another but, if you’re going to be in this relationship, these are women you will see a lot. Unless you have firm examples of rudeness or exclusion from them then I would urge you to give them the benefit of the doubt. What’s stopping you from proposing something you could all do together? You may be surprised at the result and, even if you’re not, you’ll have the smug superiority of someone who took the moral high ground also and made an effort with her partner’s friends.
As for the wedding attendance itself: It’ll be easier if you communicate clearly to your partner that attending lots of weddings of people you don’t know well, especially the ones abroad or which require you to miss work, is not something you feel you can do. There may be a compromise here, where he can reflect honestly on which key weddings are of utmost importance (best friends and family members) and where, realistically, he would be fine to attend alone. It’s likely to him these occasions signify a different thing to him than they do you (the public status of being in a couple, romantic commitment and celebration). You’re likely to do best in this conversation if you can reassure him you understand his perspective and that you do want to make an effort with his friends above and beyond wedding attendance (see my advice above about his friends’ girlfriends).
It sounds, overall, like you’re struggling to adapt to a more heteronormative life having come from a slightly queerer milieu. You can balance both but no relationship comes without compromise and taking on new obligations toward a partner’s friends or family, some of which can be quite boring. We usually fulfill these out of love and in recognition of the overall benefit the relationship gives us. There’s a way through for you here, provided you both try to accept each other’s differences and don’t denigrate one another’s idea of fun or of friendship. Compassion and clarity are the way forward—and a small gift for the couple getting married might not go amiss either!
