Ladies, start your engines! Vatican City is popping off this week as the 133-strong College of Cardinals gathers in their infamous 800-year-old conclave—a lock-in where phones are confiscated, the Sistine Chapel is bug checked, and all windows are covered—to decide the next bishop of Rome (also known as the pope). After this morning’s mass at St. Peter’s Basilica and a quick vow of secrecy (thrillingly dramatic!), the papal conclave is officially on. It’s a cardinal Drag Race that sees the winner announced, teenage-vape-ily, with white smoke from a much-livestreamed chimney.
From a nonreligious perspective, the sense of reverent occasion is palpable, rippling out from Rome. It’s hard not to be seduced by the aesthetic: the extreme pageantry; the distinguished cardinals, shoulders heavy with scarlet cassocks and duty; the anticipating crowds; the restrained but clearly excited nuns. Electing the 267th Roman pontiff is an unwaveringly serious business, a solemn and hallowed affair—but our fascination with the ceremony hasn’t stopped the internet coming through with some lols.
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Trump’s AI image of himself as the pope was condemned by leading Catholics, but the idea of a gaggle of secretive, red-robed men deliberating and scheming in an escape room is catnip for our imaginations. (As one meme asked, “Is the cure for male loneliness a conclave?”) It’s impossible to ignore the latent camp-ness of Catholic iconography: A picture of two oblivious cardinals smoking at the late pope’s funeral went incredibly hard. Pope Crave is the go-to papal meme account, yassifying cardinals en route to the Sistine Chapel and photoshopping Ralph Fiennes as Cardinal Lawrence into that old Karlie Kloss meme from the 2019 Met Gala.
There are a bunch of solid front-runners to take the pope seat. Who among us doesn’t want a Pope Pizzaballa (not a typo) or Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle singing John Lennon’s atheist anthem “Imagine”? But my pope money’s on Rihanna in Maison Margiela at the “Heavenly Bodies” Met Gala. (This unserious approach is why I have never been assigned cardinality by the Vatican.) It would be very funny, after all the buildup, if the first vote on the first day declared the world’s new pope—but one conclave lasted three years, and 20 of the cardinals present at the beginning of the election died (presumably from natural causes?) during the stint.
So happy conclave day to all who celebrate. And happy conclave month, if it comes to that. Last year we had a thumping Brat summer; perhaps this year, we’re heading into a papal one.