Did I do anything embarrassing? Why did I say that? Why did I do that? This has been my typical mental monologue after leaving a social catchup or event over the last few years.
In the past, my social anxiety would manifest itself prior to or during social situations. But more recently, I’ve found that while I’m relaxed leading up to a hangout with friends, and genuinely happy and present with them in the moment, the anxiety rears its head once I return home. I begin to scrutinize the way I behaved, fixating on anything I consider embarrassing. It’s a terrible pattern, a kind of post-socializing misery hangover.
To be sure, it’s not generally a bad thing to reflect after a social interaction, says Amanda di Bartolomeo, Ph.D., a Los Angeles–based clinical psychologist specializing in social anxiety disorder. Existing within a community requires that we learn from and adjust the way we interact with other people.
But if your reflection is limited to replaying the negative parts of your social interactions and perpetuating feelings of shame or self-criticism, that’s less constructive, says Janeé Steele, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
Both psychologists refer to that behavior as post-event rumination. According to Steele, post-event rumination is “the process of obsessively replaying and analyzing a social situation or interaction after it has occurred. The individual is usually focusing on their perceived mistakes or any awkward moments.”
Steele goes on: “If you continue to think about the social situation long after it is over, if those thoughts interfere with your functioning, if it starts to have a negative impact on your mood, if the thoughts become debilitating in a way where they cause you to avoid social situations in the future, or interfere with your ability to do other things because your concentration is suffering, these are signs that you’ve crossed over into rumination.”
Post-event rumination is associated with social anxiety disorder, a condition that affects around 7.1% of U.S. adults, whereas generalized anxiety disorder affects around 3.1% of the population. Yet while post-event rumination can be an expression of social anxiety, not every person with social anxiety exhibits post-event rumination, per Steele.
Why do some people ruminate after social events?
Broadly speaking, people living with social anxiety possess a fear of being judged by others negatively and of being embarrassed in social situations, say Steele and Di Bartolomeo. This means that in social settings, the brain may try to protect you from those perceived dangers by anticipating them, and/or scanning for any evidence that could support them, says Di Bartolomeo.
You might think of post-event rumination as a form of overpreparing: meticulously combing through each interaction and pinpointing the parts that “went wrong” so that you’ll remember not to repeat them the next time, says Steele. Speaking for myself, a small part of me does believe that dwelling on embarrassing or imperfect moments will cement the accompanying feelings of shame into my brain, and thus make me less likely to put myself into a similar position again.
Some may also feel as if the physical signs of their anxiety are temporarily dulled when they ruminate—a trick of the brain to convince them that by ruminating, they are actually doing something about the anxiety, adds di Bartolomeo.
How can you manage post-event rumination?
Four key tips:
When you catch yourself ruminating, take a beat to point it out and label it as unhelpful. Remind yourself that ruminating “actually reinforces your distress,” says Steele.
If you find yourself trying to rationalize your rumination, and treating it as a safeguard against a similar situation, Steele says to remember that the more your brain is plagued with self-critical thoughts, and consumed with avoiding a negative evaluation by others, the harder it will be to remain present. When you’re not able to be present with another person, interacting with them becomes awkward and challenging. In other words, ruminating backfires.
Having self-critical ruminating thoughts can also lead you to avoid certain social interactions, which “prevents you from developing the skills to be successful in these situations,” explains Steele.
So, how should you call out the behavior when it happens? Saying something as simple as “I’m ruminating right now” can be powerful, says Steele, because it can help you to consciously draw a line, and decide what you’d like to do with the rumination.
Something else that can help you to break the rumination loop is by observing the embarrassing or imperfect moments through a more objective lens, like a scientist would.
Di Bartolomeo says to ask yourself three questions:
- What evidence supports my belief that I screwed up socially?
- What other explanations could there be for the other person to behave or respond that way?
- What evidence refutes my belief I screwed up socially?
Carve out some time to write down your answers, or just speak them aloud, Di Bartolomeo suggests. Having a written page or recorded a Voice Memo can be useful for reminding yourself of the facts when the ruminating starts up again.
Next, redirect your attention as best you can. What do you enjoy doing that draws your focus? Cut the rumination short by pushing yourself toward that other thing, Di Bartolomeo advises. It could be reading a book, watching a movie you love, painting, baking, sketching, swimming, running, calling your sibling, window-shopping, cleaning, or listening to a podcast, but all the better if the activity physically takes you out of the environment you were ruminating in.
If you’ve exhausted all of the tips above, or given yourself ample opportunities to practice them without seeing any real improvement to your ruminating, Di Bartolomeo and Steele advise seeking professional support from a therapist who specializes in social anxiety disorder. That person would have additional tools.