Unless your Chrismukkah is booked solid with churchgoing or temple-hopping, it’s likely you’ll need some kind of activity to keep your family occupied once the presents have been opened, the hot chocolate drunk, and the sufganiyot cleared away on December 25. Even at my house, where we celebrate both holidays, we’re typically out of things to do by 11:30 a.m. What then?
Well, with awards season officially upon us, the answer may just lie within your local cineplex. Below, a gamefied guide to some of the best new movies in theaters next week. Tally up your score after each section to help you decide what to see.
Who’s in your party?
Pick one:
0 - Kids will be involved!
1 - No kids, but there will be older relatives
2 - Older teenagers
3 - Adult friends and/or a hot date
How’s your attention span?
Pick one:
0 - Something under 90 minutes would be ideal!
4 - Threshold is about two and a half hours
5 - I can hang all day!
How do you feel about reading subtitles?
Pick one:
0 - Not my favorite
6 - Bring them on!
Is horror OK?
Pick one:
0 - No!!
7 - Yes!!
Results:
If you scored 0-11, consider: Wallace Gromit: Vengeance Most Fowl (in limited theaters now)
This epic family adventure is sure to divert your children from crying about when their next infusion of gifts will arrive (hang on until your birthdays, buddies!)—though older family members will also appreciate the classic franchise’s eye-popping Claymation.
If you scored 5-8, consider: A Complete Unknown… (in theaters December 25)
If your parents are boomers (or Gen X-ers with taste), they’ll surely be all too excited to see Timmy Chimmy take on the role of Bob Dylan. Plus, the film co-stars Elle Fanning, and what respectable mom or dad doesn’t love to see a former child star all grown up and clearing new hurdles?
…or The Room Next Door (in limited theaters now)
Tilda Swinton and Julianne Moore? In a Pedo Almodóvar film based on the novel What Are You Going Through by Sigrid Nunez? Featuring Swinton in really high pants the whole time? The cinephiles, the fans of literary fiction, and the lesbians in your group will all be in heaven.
If you scored 6-14, consider: Vermiglio (in limited theaters December 25)
Should your party skew slightly older—and/or slightly Italian—but have no qualms reading subtitles, a romantic drama set in the Italian Alps during World War II could be just thing to get everyone on the same page.
If you scored a 7-8, consider: Babygirl (in theaters December 25)
Defiantly sexual, this one is for the Nicole Kidman stans, the Harris Dickinson heads (no?), and especially anyone into a May/December set-up. Harder to recommend if your parents or (God forbid) grandparents will be seated alongside you, but hey—there’s no age limit on kinkiness!
If you scored 8-21, consider: Nosferatu (in theaters December 25)
Trust that you’ll win major cool points with your teenage nephews by taking them to see Lily-Rose Depp play a haunted young woman navigating a vampire’s obsession. (Fellow Certified Cool actors Nicholas Hoult, Emma Corrin, Bill Skarsgård, and Willem Dafoe co-star.)
If you scored 12-21, consider: The Brutalist (in limited theaters now)
Where better to stash your cranky uncle for a few hours this Christmas Day than at a matinee screening of a 215-minute film about a Hungarian architect forging a new life for himself and his wife in America? Yes, one of my own specific uncles happens to be an architect, but I’m telling you, this movie has universal patient-man-over-40 appeal.
