After two thrilling weeks of athletic prowess, hand-knit sweaters, and celebrity sightings aplenty, we can finally bid adieu to Paris 2024—and look ahead to the next Summer Games. In 2028, the Olympics will return to Los Angeles for the first time since 1984, and there’s already a lot to live up to. (Luckily, Hollywood’s own Tom Cruise helped usher in the handover.)
While the 2024 Games introduced breaking and kayak cross for the first time ever, the organizers of LA28 are hoping to debut five new events: baseball/softball, cricket, lacrosse, squash, and flag football. But as a born-and-raised Angeleno, I have some other LA-specific additions I would like to nominate. From navigating the city’s infamous urban sprawl to dodging middle schoolers at Erewhon, here are my humble suggestions for games at the 2028 Los Angeles Olympics.
Parallel Parking on PCH
Must be completed on a balmy Saturday morning with a line of cars waiting behind you.
The Freeway Relay
Picture this: the 134 to the 101 to the 405 to the 10. Starting time: 3:30 p.m. on a Friday. An alternative option could include the nightmare that is the 101 to the 110 interchange, where competitors must cross four lanes of downtown traffic within one exit. Anybody who does it without crying deserves a medal.
Erewhon Marathon
Who can complete a full trip around the store before their Hailey Bieber smoothie is ready? That may sound easy, but when you add in the horde of local private school kids in search of a $60 after-school snack, you’re bound to be slowed down.
Beverly Hills 6-Way Stop Street Crossing
One six-way intersection. Zero stop lights. Just vibes. Fastest to cross without having a full-blown panic attack wins.
Echo Park Lake Swan Boat Race
Paddling a goofy little boat with your feet is already pretty undignified, but imagine it at a competitive pace. We’d also love to see them bump into each other like the kayakers do.
Speed-Reading Parking Signs
Can you park here or not? We challenge these world-class athletes to decode the inscrutable signage that plagues Angelenos daily. Get it right and you win Olympic glory. Get it wrong and you get saddled with an $80 ticket from the city’s overzealous parking police.
Runyon Canyon Gossip
This one’s about quality over quantity: Whoever can eavesdrop on the juiciest piece of industry gossip takes home the gold.
The Rodeo Drive Slalom
Bob and weave through the throng of Beverly Hills tourists to make it to your doctor’s appointment on time.
LA River Race
If you guys think the Seine is bad, we raise you the Los Angeles River.
