It didn’t take a lot to sell me on The Beauty, Ryan Murphy’s new horror–thriller set in a The Substance-ish world where an injection makes you more attractive. (The tagline? “One shot makes you hot.”) Besides, as my friends at them noted, the Condé Nast cafeteria—where my coworkers regularly eat mid sushi—plays a pivotal role on this show. How could I not tune in?
Below, find quite literally every thought I had about Episode 1 of The Beauty.
- Language, sexual situations, and violence? Let’s goooo!
- We’re at a runway show in Paris, and if I may flex my Vogue muscles for a moment, the clothes are… not great.
- Like… burgundy leather? Okay! I guess!
- Hey, it’s my forever sweetie Bella Hadid!
- Drinking some random bitch’s water, then attacking her and the rest of the audience!
- This is really reminding me of that House episode where the runway model punches another model out and then collapses on the catwalk.
- Honestly, let Bella Hadid beat everyone up and then escape up a bunch of stairs on a motorcycle in perpetuity, IMO.
- Aaaaaand she’s down.
- Oh God, this shot of Bella’s messed-up leg is making me gag.
- Wait a minute…we’re so back! She’s up!
- So she’s…water-crazed?
- Only a Hadid could look this good while stabbing someone in the hand.
- Love this French grande dame just quietly finishing her meal while all this violent chaos goes on around her.
- Wait, can she…repel bullets?
- Damn, I want that kind of Ozempic.
- Oop, she exploded.
- Okay, we’re back in the world of non-exploding bodies.
- And Evan Peters’s bare chest!
- And Rebecca Hall’s bare butt!
- Never ask a woman why she got a boob job, Evan.
- Because she wanted to! Duh!
- Not to make the plastic-surgery-as-feminist-liberation argument, but…God forbid a girl have some fun.
- Oh no, not a tortured kintsugi metaphor.
- Wait, Evan and Rebecca are FBI agents?
- No cops at the club!
- “Combustion-related incident with a model,” LOL.
- Sorry… it took them this long to connect the dots between models exploding?
- And now we’re in Jersey, where someone has the same neon GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS sign I usd to have in my bedroom.
- Ah, it’s a guy jackin’ it to a camgirl. Cool. Glad we have the same taste in interior decor.
- The use of the word “milkers” is spreading from Industry to The Beauty, and we must stop it now before it takes further root.
- It’s giving gooning essay.
- Wow, Evan Peters speaks good French.
- As does Rebecca Hall.
- Can’t say I care for the sight of this pile of burning flesh that used to be Bella Hadid.
- Uh-oh, virus unknown!
- The gooner guy is in Indianapolis, getting…some kind of plastic surgery?
- Not incel/chad discourse on my TV screen in 2026!
- King, no! Never do stand-up in an attempt to get women! It doesn’t work!
- Glen Powell name-check.
- “It’s your literal bones that make you unfuckable and keep you from the happiness you are entitled to, so let’s fix that. Let’s break some bones.” Eek!
- Wait, so all the people with this mysterious virus are… becoming hot models?
- Mounjaro mentioned!
- Are these hot women about to be mean to slightly-better-looking gooner guy?!?
- I’m already stressed, I love him!
- Protect gooner guy at all costs!
- This dance sequence, however, is perfect.
- Oh no, he’s puking :(
- “They left??? But I look good!!!!!” Ah, the incel mindset.
- Wait, did he just… shoot people up at the weirdo plastic surgery clinic?
- “Now I gotta do fuckin’ stand-up.” LOL.
- Ahhh, what’s this last mysterious sex-appeal tool in the doctor’s arsenal?
- Could it be… The Beauty?
- Hey, it’s Chanel Stewart!
- In a hot corset!
- Sorry, so… someone has to have sex with you in order to infect you with The Beauty?
- And then you’re hot?
- And then you rage out?
- Sure, whatever.
- You know, if being professionally hot takes this much convulsing… I’ll just stay at my current level of attractiveness, thanks.
- So much goo.
- And deranged laughter.
- Body is tea, though, I must admit.
