When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye. Contact her at DearShonVogue@gmail.com for your own chance at enlightenment.
Dear Shon
I think sometimes, I am scared of love because I’ve experienced very little of it—and like many queer people—battled shame, bullying, and a few traumatic relationships along the way. After a lot of therapy, I feel I am now more self aware.
I tend to approach dating with an expectation that my next date needs to be “the one.” As a result of hookup culture, and the transactional way in which sex is available to me, I’ve been led to believe that there is a pool of suitable people out there for me, people who will want what I want. I tend to dismiss people who I perceive cannot give me what I want or need—is that healthy?
I am aware that not all relationships are easy, but still cling to the idea that “one day you’ll meet someone and you’ll fall.” At least at the beginning, I want to feel the butterflies and the joy that people speak about.
I like being single, even though at times I feel lonely. How do I overcome this loneliness? To me it seems I have two options: to meet someone and settle, or work on myself to the point that I no longer feel lonely. Is this a myth?
The queer people I meet seem to carry so much baggage. Is it selfish of me to want them to have worked through this before we meet? I don’t seem to have the empathy to date people who have issues (issues I feel like I have worked through, or am working through, or at some point—will work through—on my own). Am I the problem?
Is It Me?
Dear Is It Me,
Your letter is actually several dilemmas secretly rolled up into one, so I commend your efficiency. But most of your concerns rest on the same core questions: How much should we be willing to extend ourselves for another? Or, phrased slightly differently, how much do we need to compromise to find love?
First things first. There is no such thing as “the one,” honey. It’s a fantasy. It is actually based on the idea of a “soulmate” (a concept that was first expressed back in 1822 by Samuel Taylor Coleridge—who, ironically, had a very unhappy marriage himself). It’s been reasserted again and again by novels, songs and Hollywood, but it’s made up, I’m afraid. Being in a healthy relationship for the long term is a decision to be imperfect and to show up for another, imperfect person every single day.
The idea of love as simply an overwhelming, transcendent feeling which makes everything simple is a delusion. One which often leads people to float around the dating scene being non-committal and confused, with all the hurt that brings. You write that “not all relationships are easy.” I would instead proffer a different suggestion: that all relationships are hard work, at some point. I agree that, at the beginning, if it feels like hard work that may be a warning sign, as the early stages of dating should be fun. But this fun will give away to reality sooner or later. Eventually, the other person’s flaws will start to show, because they’re a person.
Long term, relationships can’t be all butterflies and excitement because life isn’t. Long term relationships are supporting one another through stress, redundancy, depression, cancer, grief, exhaustion, and aging. Speak to anyone in a long-term relationship and they will tell you there are times one or both people want to get out of it or, at the very least, there are times they desperately crave the freedom of being single.
Your letter also reminded me of where I myself was at a couple of years ago. Like you, I had done a lot of work on myself to process the experiences I had had growing up queer and began to recover from some damaging patterns in my life. This did absolutely shrink my dating pool as I noticed other people who were unaware of and not trying to do this work on themselves. This is not selfishness, this is self-esteem and standards. However, one of my issues is perfectionism and I can apply this to dating as well as any other area of my life. Be careful you too do not establish an unconscious demand for a perfect partner, with no “baggage” or unresolved issues. This does not exist.
Standards are no bad thing (I am currently single, in part, because of mine) but there’s a difference between standards and impossible, judgmental expectations. If you do want a relationship, there will always be something you don’t care for about the other person. In my case, perfectionism is a defense mechanism that can come up when I’m afraid. I have a strong tendency to dismiss everyone and rationalize that decision because I am afraid of having to commit to anyone at all or the possibility of getting hurt.
It is true for many of our generation that apps and easy hookups create the illusion of an endless supply of new connections. But the tech we use isn’t the root cause: Unless you are clear on what you want and what you have to give (rather than just what you can get) out of a romantic connection there will be no partner who can satisfy you once the infatuation wears off. No one comes without downsides, so without a change in your thinking you will always be disappointed, no matter how many people you meet.
If you do indeed want to build a relationship with another person (and it is fine if you don’t by the way!) what you are looking for is someone with self awareness, open mindedness, and a willingness to work on things, both within themselves and within a relationship. If they’re not willing or you’re not willing you don’t really have a relationship.
Of course, you can’t control whether you actually meet such a person, only if you are capable of being such a person yourself. There’s an element of luck about who comes into your life and when. You just have to work on being the kind of person you would want to date, and willing to prioritize finding connections in friendship and new experiences as a single person right now without relying on a fantasy partner to fulfill you eventually in future. In short, I promise you that you are not the problem. But, single or partnered, you are always responsible for creating your own solution.
