Understanding wedding etiquette is one of the most important jobs of an engaged couple. When you’re hosting a celebration for your nearest and dearest, there are plenty of traditional wedding rules that you will be expected to follow—in addition to all the planning and logistics that you need to put in place. As modern etiquette rules have changed over the years, it’s helpful to give yourself a refresher as you enter your engagement period, or encounter a potential faux pas with guests during the planning process. To help guide you, we chatted with Lizzie Post, an etiquette expert, author, and great-great-granddaughter of the queen of all things manners, Emily Post.
Ahead, Post gives us an in-depth look at how to navigate hosting your wedding with grace, thoughtfulness, and tact.
1. Tell Your Inner Circle Before Announcing Your Engagement on Social Media
Wedding etiquette kicks off the moment you say “yes.” It’s only natural you want to share the good news with the world, but it’s important that your nearest and dearest hear from you first before blasting it with an Instagram post. “People can feel very hurt when they find out from a distant cousin that you are getting married,” says Post.
2. Don’t Announce Your Engagement at Someone Else’s Event
Understandably, an engagement can be a cause for excitement and celebration that puts all eyes on the newly engaged duo. So if you are at someone else’s wedding, graduation celebration, or baby shower, it’s best not to draw attention and keep the news to yourself. Post explains, “Unless the honorees encourage you to, it is never a smart idea to announce your engagement at someone else s event, no matter what that event is—be it a coffee hour or birthday party.”
3. Have Thoughtful Conversations With Family Members Who May Help Pay for the Wedding
While it is common for couples to pay for their own weddings, many will receive some amount of financial support from parents or other family members who wish to contribute. It may feel uncomfortable broaching the conversation, but it’s an extremely important one to have early on. After all, it’s essential to have a clear idea of your budget before you begin planning. Post advises you should really only bring it up if your parents or another family member has previously implied that they would have a desire to pay for your wedding. “Get the sense your parents have the means and have made comments in the past like, ‘Oh, it’s gonna be fun chipping in for this one’s wedding one day,’” she says.
Her advised script for the conversation? “We just wanted to check in and see if you had any interest or desire to contribute to the wedding. It’s not a request to do so. It’s just a check in and an invitation if you want to. [If you do,] we want to just discuss how and what you’re thinking of.” As a side note, she advises any parents or other family members who want to contribute that it’s best to offer it up soon after the engagement so the couple can assess if they would like to say yes.
4. Understand the Expectations That Come With Financial Contributions
While there is no etiquette rule that family members who pay for some or all of the wedding must be given the right to select a portion of the guest list, it may be a stipulation that comes with their contribution. They may also have an expectation that they will be able to make some of the planning choices. It’s important to get these answers when money is offered so you can get the scope if that’s something you would want to accept. However, one etiquette rule that Post notes? “Someone who contributes to the wedding has to be offered a position of host on the invitation,” she says.
5. You Have to Invite Both Members of a Married Couple
Are you friends with someone who is married to a person that you don’t know or particularly get along with? If you want your friend to come to the wedding, you must invite their spouse. “It’s important to recognize that married couples operate socially together as a unit so you always invite both members, whether you know one of them or not,” explains Post “In situations where it’s an issue of dislike, if both parties dislike each other significantly, then the polite thing is for the partner who dislikes the couple not to come. But, you have to invite them both, and there is a chance they could both come.”
6. You Also Have to Invite Long-Established Couples Together
These days, not all couples get married. Some might live together for decades without a ring or could even be long distance. Post emphasizes the plus-one etiquette applies to them as well. “It’s important to invite couples who are long established together if they’ve been dating for multiple years—even if they don’t live together,” she says.
7. You Don’t Have to Give a Plus One to New Couples
“It gets dicier when it comes to new relationships,” remarks Post. “It’s really important to recognize that lots of people who are still in the dating phase get invited to things when they’re single. Then, they’re partnered up by the time the wedding comes.” She emphasizes, “That doesn’t mean that they automatically get to bring their partner. They were invited as a single guest. That’s it.” If the couple ends up forming a bond with the new partner and they have room to accommodate them, it’s okay to extend an invitation later to add them to the guest list, but it’s not required or expected.
8. If You Give a Plus One, The Guest Can Invite Anyone They Wish
While you can extend an invitation to a couple by name, it’s also possible to offer a guest a plus one on their invitation. Post notes, “Couples do not have to issue plus ones to any single guest. This is just not an etiquette custom.” If you do give a plus one to a guest, it’s their right to choose who to bring along with them. “They could bring a friend, a romantic partner, a hopeful romantic partner, or a sibling or other family member,” says Post.
9. Be Thoughtful With People Who Are Not Invited
Not every person you know is going to get an invitation to your wedding. But it is likely that you will have some uninvited friends asking for details about your planning. “I think it can feel like a lot of pressure when someone shows a lot of interest in a wedding and you know they haven’t made your guest list cut,” says Post. “It might be that you talk a little about how you guys handled the guest list, so that it’s clear that it’s small or you had limited numbers, and so couldn’t invite everyone you wanted to.” She does add that you shouldn’t feel obligated to share your guest list or confirm if someone is invited or not.
In some cases, someone may have the assumption that they are going to be invited. “If they said something directly like, ‘I just can’t wait to come,’ you can decide whether you just add an extra person or two depending on their circumstances or call it like it is,” she shares. “You could say, ‘I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to talk so much about the wedding. I wasn’t able to accommodate you as a guest. I’m so sorry for making it seem like I did or giving the wrong impression.’ A sincere apology is the best you can do in that circumstance.” Post adds, “In etiquette, we try to be kind with people. We try not to just take their rudeness and shove it right in their face.”
10. Set Rules Around Children Attendees
Your wedding is your own celebration, and you get to dictate who is there. That also includes whether or not children are present at your celebration. “It’s your event, and if you want it to be a kid-free weekend, it’s a kid-free weekend. You could also make a dividing line of 14 years and older, only your relatives, or only children who are in the ceremony,” notes Post. “But there needs to be a clear division, and you need to stick to it.” She does note that if you are having children as part of the ceremony, etiquette dictates that you must invite their parents to the wedding as well.
11. Send Invitations in a Timely Manner
It’s important to give your guests proper time to mark their calendars, prepare for any travel arrangements, and take time off for your celebration. That’s why save the dates and invitations should be sent within a proper time frame. “Six months to a year in advance of your wedding date, you want to send your save the dates,” advises Post. “Invitations should be sent 12 to 16 weeks out.” In the case that you decide to plan a wedding in less than six months, Post says that sending both is less necessary (and often too difficult with printing and mailing timelines), but you should absolutely inform guests as soon as possible so they can block their schedules. While she maintains that proper invitations should be printed, the etiquette expert says that a virtual save the date can occasionally be appropriate.
Your invitations should also have a clear RSVP guideline of how and when to provide a response. While Post says digital RSVPs can be incredibly convenient, she does still love a RSVP by mail. If sending physical RSVPs, you should include an envelope and postage for your guest. As for the deadline? It’s advised to have it six to eight weeks ahead of the wedding day.
12. Make a Wedding Website
As we have entered the digital age, wedding websites have emerged as one of the best sources of information for your wedding guests. They can provide schedule details, event specifics, collect RSVPs, and provide any updates your guests may need along the way. “From a hospitality standpoint, don’t go without one,” says Post.
13. Provide Information on Accommodations for a Destination Wedding
While creating a room block for your wedding can be a nice option for guests, it’s not a requirement if you’re hosting a destination wedding. But it is advised to give guests some information on your wedding venue location so they can find places to stay nearby. Post says that it can be helpful to give suggestions on where to stay, but you should be aware that guests have different budgets. “I’ve heard a lot of guests complain about the accommodation suggestions all being way too expensive, being the only options in the area, and that it really limits the guests ability to participate,” she says. “It’s really important that you are thoughtful and considerate in what you are suggesting, and that you always have a suggestion or plan for guests who can’t afford those expensive accommodations.”
14. Create a Registry
According to Post, “Wedding registries came about because the wedding invitation creates an obligation for the guests to send out a gift whether they attend or not.” She shares that creating a wedding registry is a considerate act that allows your guests to find gifts for you that fit your needs and style. While it’s not required for them to give you a gift off of it, taking the time to craft a registry can give your guests some more ease. However, she says you should never put your registry information on your invitation. “It makes the invitation less about you and inviting your loved ones to a sentimental celebration,” she says. “The best thing to do is attach the registry to your wedding website, and have a direction on the invitation for people to go to it—where there s plenty more information than just the registry.”
When curating items for your registry, it’s essential to have items at a variety of price points to fit multiple guests’ budgets. “You really want to make sure that someone could put together a bunch of small things—or even just a single small thing—and feel like they were getting you something really lovely to start your married life together,” explains Post. While you can place items that fit some hobbies and interests you share together, she does advise against choosing gifts that only one member of the couple would love. She adds, “It should also not cross into the territory of a fund for something like a medical procedure.”
Speaking of creating registry funds, Post says they are absolutely appropriate in this era. The etiquette pro does emphasize it’s better to create specific funds with a purpose. “When it comes to just a cash fund, letting someone know that you’re going to be using this to buy the furniture for your house or put in the garden that you’ve been dreaming of really helps people paint a picture of what’s going to happen with this money,” she says. “It also gives you something to share when you go to thank them after the event or the month after the money s been spent on the thing.”
15. Get On Top of Thank-You Note Timing
If a guest sends you a gift, it is essential that you send them a thank-you note. Post says you should be timely with your letters not only to stay on top of your correspondence, but also so your guests know that it arrived safely. In some cases, couples might wait to open their gifts until after the ceremony. In that case, it’s important for a couple to acknowledge when presents arrive so the gift-giver knows it arrived safely. Post notes it’s best to write these as a team rather than individually. “It’s better because both of you receive that gift together and it’s a sign that you are now a couple operating socially together.”
16. Provide Dress Code Guidance
If there is a specific dress code for any of your events, it’s helpful to provide these for your guests on your wedding website. Post admits she’s a bit old-fashioned and will only provide a dress code if the wedding is black or white tie. She shares that a venue and time should help dictate the attire worn. But, if you are planning any themed events or want to tailor the dress code further, it’s important to provide a clear name of what that dress code exactly is. “For example, island chic or denim and denims are pretty descriptive,” says Post. “If you can’t figure out a descriptive way that conveys what someone should show up wearing, you’re not coming up with a good enough concept.”
17. Give Wedding Party Members Clear Expectations
If you and your partner plan to ask friends to be part of your wedding party, it’s thoughtful to let them know what you expect of them in terms of commitment before they say yes. “With the price tag that can easily come with being a wedding attendant, I think it’s really important for the couple to know what it is they want in terms of participation,” says Post. “The polite thing to do when you’re inviting is to have a plan in mind and know basic things, like whether you’re going to require them to get a specific type of dress and roughly what price range that s going to be.”
18. Create an Appropriate Invite List for Your Rehearsal Dinner
The rehearsal dinner is traditionally held just for those attending the actual wedding ceremony rehearsal. “Always the partners of the people participating in the rehearsal are included and many people also include immediate family,” says Post. “In the case of little children who are participating, their parents are invited to the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner.” She does add that the children do not need to attend the dinner. You also should invite the officiant and their spouse, but if they are someone like a clergy member or hired officiant, it’s not always expected for them to RSVP yes. Once you hit this bare minimum, you can invite more people if you wish. “It’s up to you if you want to include out of town guests or if you want to include everybody,” she says.
19. Do Not Have a Cash Bar
“If you are serving alcohol, you are paying for it. You don’t ever do a cash bar,” says Post. “You’re a host. You’ve invited people, you create a budget, and you work with your caterers and the liquor supplier to figure out what the right combination of things are that you can afford.” The etiquette expert adds that you also should not be putting out tip jars for bartenders. “The host is responsible for tipping,” she says. Of course, she does say that you absolutely do not have to serve alcohol at a wedding if that does not reflect your practices as a couple.
20. Seat Couples Next to Each Other
When working on your seating chart, there are tons of factors to consider when creating the best layout so everyone will be happy and enjoy their time at dinner. One rule you should always follow when crafting this chart is to always seat couples next to or opposite each other. Even if you are creating a head table with yourselves and your wedding party, their plus one should always be seated with them. “I would not leave their partner alone at a table of people they don’t really know,” says Post.
21. Greet Every Guest
While it may be difficult at a wedding with over 500 guests, it should be a couple’s goal to say hello to every guest at least once throughout the wedding day. “People might cringe at receiving lines or think they’re old fashioned, but they’re wildly effective for ensuring that you talk to every one of your guests at your wedding,” suggests Post. She also says going as a couple to do table visits is another great way to ensure every group of guests gets some face time with you. At the end of the wedding, have a final sendoff so you can say goodbye to guests as well.
