Let’s talk about one of the great myths surrounding extroverts: that they’re elite conversationalists who shine in any social setting—supplying the bubbly effervescence to cocktail chatter and buoying dinner-party small talk. They’re the queens of the social scene. And while it’s true that life-of-the-party personalities have the edge when it comes to feeling comfortable around people, not all extroverts are created equal—there are degrees and dimensions of the trait, according to Joel Minden, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Chico Center for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. That means: just because you can parley your way through any social gathering doesn’t mean you’re good at it. Because if we’re being honest (and we are), while extroverts can come off as effortless, engaging, and interesting, they can also come off as overbearing, dominating, and self-absorbed.
Before we get into how to deal, we want to speak up for the gregarious girls for a minute: The shortfall of social awareness isn’t all their fault. When it comes to how to communicate better, extroverts are often left out of the conversation. Advice tips heavily toward introverts, while typically glazing over some of the common hang-ups that the other personality trait brings to the (dinner-party) table. To help, we asked experts for their best recommendations on how social butterflies can use their voices—flawlessly. Extroverts, this is for you.
Remember that there’s no such thing as a full circleMake it a point to bring others into your conversation, says Bernardo Carducci, Ph.D., director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast in New Albany, Indiana. When you’re surrounded by friends and two glasses of Champagne into a good story, it’s easy to lose focus that there may be people outside of your conversation who want to join in. However, this can read as you being exclusive. If you notice someone awkwardly standing alone, try to loop her into your group.
Go off topicIf it’s gone from appetizers to dessert, and you’re still gushing about the new yoga class you discovered, it may be a sign that you’ve been hogging the conversation. “Stop periodically while you’re talking and give others the opportunity to ask questions, make comments, or even change the topic,” Carducci says. If you notice your company glancing at their watches, staring off into the distance, or giving you blank stares, it’s likely time to move onto a new subject.
Ask 73 questionsOkay, not really. But do ask a few. “Always ask at least two follow-up questions after someone shares something,” says Nate Regier, Ph.D., a communication expert. “This shows you’re interested in the other person. When someone tells a personal story, it’s tempting to come back with your own example, but that will come across as self-centered. If you do this, not only will you be the life of the party—you’ll get invited back.”
Watch your tone—and body languageNot to flash back to elementary school, but allow people some personal space, Carducci says. Extroverts have a habit of inching closer to others, which can feel intimidating. And while you’re putting your power pose in check, make sure you’re not speaking too loudly, Carducci adds. The more excited extroverts get, the higher their decibel level tends to go. Turn down the volume—and then talk on.
Let go of labelsLarger-than-life personalities have a tendency to pay inadequate attention to other people, Minden says. That means if you feel bored or like the conversation is too basic, you’ll check out. It’s important to give whoever you’re talking to the chance to hit their stride, which may not always be at the same pace as you.
Be aware of the overshareWhen you’re outgoing, that can often translate to: I’m an open book. You may feel comfortable speaking frankly about anything—politics, work drama, controversial opinions—but that level of candor can be off-putting. Check who’s in your immediate posse before you prophesize about the next big government dustup.
Roll with the tempoFinishing someone else’s sentences, interrupting a story to squeeze in an anecdote, talking over others—extroverts are guilty, guilty, guilty. Give others the floor instead of allowing your energy to take center stage. After all, it will give you a chance to take a sip of your drink.