Until I was in my late teens, pretty much the only boys I’d encountered were my cousin and a couple of family friends. I went to two all-girls schools and had two sisters, which meant that the opposite sex wasn’t just a mystery in a romantic sense, but totally unknowable in friendship terms, too.
Most of my cultural references suggested that there would always be the possibility of sex simmering below the surface. Blame Dawson’s Creek. Or The OC. Every time Joey hugged Rachel or Phoebe in Friends… was there the potential for something more?
But it seems strange to me now, as a grown-up, that so many of us still think this way. Take the video of Jeremy Allen White and Ayo Edebiri at a recent baseball game in Chicago, which they were attending with their The Bear co-stars. White was seen briefly massaging the base of Edebiri’s neck and stretching his arm along the back of her seat—and so the world has decided that they must be dating (never mind that he’s supposedly in a relationship with singer Rosalía). Hey, perhaps they are involved. But is it also possible that their relationship is platonic and a bit tactile? That months of filming together has led to a trusting and meaningful friendship? Why do we find that such an unlikely scenario?
Of course, the cliché is that men and women can’t be “just friends.” But that’s not something that has played out in my own life, and probably not in yours either. I have dear male pals from my teenage years, university days, and professional career. There is no unrequited anything to speak of between us, and I find it sad that we place such limits on the idea of friendship—clinging to the Hollywood narrative that there must be an undercurrent of lust, or love, between a straight man and woman. That their partners have cause for suspicion. Which says a lot about girls being taught that sexual attractiveness is their main currency when it comes to men.
Let’s be real: Most of us realize, deep down, if we like someone as more than a friend. Someone I know who ended up dating one of her male pals after many years of friendship admits that all those times they shared the same bed and linked arms on nights out weren’t as platonic as they professed at the time, that they both knew they actually fancied each other. Another acquaintance of mine recalls a male friend regularly holding her hand after a few drinks, something that never felt totally comfortable since she wasn’t attracted to him. If you know, you know.
So how much touch is “normal”? For me, that depends on your usual friendship boundaries. I don’t do much more than hug my female friends, squeeze their arms, or put a hand on their shoulder. All that is perfectly comfortable with my male pals, too. If any of them—male or female—were significantly and regularly more tactile, it would be totally fine but noticeable to me. I’d be asking myself whether they were going through a tough time and needed more comfort than usual.
That said, there are some differences when it comes to being friends with the opposite sex, and there’s no use pretending otherwise; you might pat a female friend’s backside without thinking, and not care if she touches your thigh. With a male friend… well, I think you can mostly tell if it’s meaningless, jokey, or makes you feel uncomfortable. I did once tell a bloke in a former friendship group when I felt his hands were roaming just a bit too much when we hugged or danced. He got the message.
But that doesn’t mean that every physical brush between male and female friends contains a deeper, hornier meaning. (If you’re kissing or sleeping together, needless to say you’ve already crossed the Rubicon—sorry.) Films like When Harry Met Sally might be held up as examples of our inability to form platonic friendships, but really they’re often about two people who are in love with one another but reluctant to admit it. Of course, male-female friendships can develop into romances, too, but they can also stay platonic forever. To assume they’re headed in that direction is reductive and misguided. Just ask Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio, who struggled to escape the “will they/won’t they” gossip for years until we all had to accept they were just long-term friends.
Often, the problem is other people. I once had a beloved male friend; I advised him endlessly on dating woes and spent hours watching films with him under blankets on the sofa. Nothing ever happened; there wasn’t even a flicker of romance. We were friends: we didn’t flirt, we never drunkenly kissed, we weren’t even that tactile. Yet when he found a girlfriend and got engaged fairly rapidly, I found myself given the cold shoulder and wasn’t actually invited to the wedding. I’ve always thought she suspected our closeness hinted at something more.
In my book on female friendship, I write that our platonic connections deserve to be elevated to the same status as our romantic ones. That our friendships play a vital role in our emotional lives and should be appreciated just as much. And while there are things that women get from other women that science is starting to tell us might be key to our health and happiness, importance absolutely needs to be placed on our friendships with the opposite sex, too. My male friends have been sounding boards over the years, offering straightforward advice, listening without judgement, and helping me to see different perspectives. As well as being monumental piss-takers. And great huggers.
That’s something to celebrate. See: White and Edebiri speaking of their respect for one another. “We really enjoy each other in life, on camera and off camera,” he recently said. Sorry, but if one of my lovely friends, of any sex, said that about me, I’d be delighted. Just as I am if one of my male friends puts an arm around me or gives me a big bear hug. In fact, I love that we feel comfortable enough to do that. My husband wouldn’t think twice, just as I wouldn’t with his close female friends. I love that there are women in his life who care about him, too.
But to those who don’t know us, perhaps it would look like something more—and how depressing is that? God knows, after the separation of the pandemic, we should all appreciate the importance of touch and human contact with our nearest and dearest. How tragic it would be if we felt that we couldn’t touch a male friend on the hand or squeeze their shoulder just in case it’s misinterpreted.