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In the wake of the 2016 election, I had a three-year-old and a one-year-old—neither aware enough to register (or at least verbalize) the enveloping sense of dread that engulfed our household the morning after Election Day. I remember the one-year-old going to music class and running after bubbles that the teacher fired from a motorized blower. Yeah, I thought, ensnared in my own punishing brain, chase that fragile joy.
This time around, my kids (aged 11, 8, 6, and 2) are fully tuned in to the candidates and the stakes. There is even chatter at school. (So interesting what kids can ferret out!) We have talked about some of the things that might happen if different candidates win to underline that there are direct consequences related to who gets elected. And yet, every time I stress how really, really critical this moment is, I find myself see-sawing over to nonchalance: But don’t worry, I tell them with forced cheer, everything is going to be all right!
Given my children’s strategic obliviousness—17 reminders to put on their shoes and their backpacks when it’s time to depart for school; nary a sock in the laundry bin—I began to wonder how much anxiety or hope or stress kids are actually capable of absorbing today and in the uncertain days that might follow. Explaining electoral college math feels easy peasy (thank you, genius New York Times graphics) compared to the treacherous emotional terrain many of us will cross this week.
So, what can parents do to model equanimity and grace in these very uncertain and high-pressure times?
Remember that kids are like sponges
“They’re really good at picking up on our feelings,” says Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Baby on the Block. “They can see it in our eyes and notice when we’re tense. A parent’s anxious body language or fearful tone could influence your tot, teaching them what to fear or avoid.” And not only do they absorb, but they mirror: According to research, a third of children with an anxious parent will develop a similar psychiatric condition. Babies as young as 12 months old can pick up on stress signals from their mothers—registering it in their heart rates!
All this points to the importance of modeling appropriate behaviors—the things you can, at least in theory, control. “Parents need to manage their anxiety and emotions,” says Corinn Cross, MD, a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics. “This sets the tone for their children both in how they manage their own emotions and how much anxiety they feel.”
But you don’t need to hide all your feelings around your child
“Honestly, my kids have seen me cry a bunch,” a friend texted me this morning, when I asked her how she was “handling” it—and that felt just fine to her, an acknowledgment that adults have big feelings, too. As Harry Styles has reminded us, crying is a gender-neutral opportunity for cortisol release. That being said, it’s best to modulate those feelings to a child-appropriate degree. “When your child asks if you were upset, you can acknowledge that you’re sort of worried,” says Karp. “But it’s usually best not to say you’re scared or frightened.”
It’s also a good idea to focus on the positive, when you can. “Parents should try to remember to teach their children that most people in this country actually want the same things,” says Cross. They (mostly) see the same issues but “differ in how to approach those issues and how to fix those problems. There often isn’t a perfect solution to problems—every solution comes at a cost.” There are opportunities to teach lessons of compromise and middle ground, even if those aren’t the instincts governing your reactions in the moment. “Teach your child that it’s easy to be respectful to someone who sees the world the way you do,” says Cross, “but we are tasked with showing respect to those who seem to differ from us.”
Most importantly, preserve a sense of safety
A friend raising her kids in Washington, D.C., got a distressing email from her kid’s preschool, describing how the school was preparing for the possibility of violent unrest. How was she supposed to talk to her kids about that? Any parent who has felt their stomach plummet when their child chirping reports, “Today we had a lockdown drill at school,” is familiar with some version of this scenario—do our children really have to go through all that?
“Though you can’t protect your child from all the harsh realities of the world, you do want to shield them from very distressing news,” says Karp. “Scary events can be majorly magnified in the impressionable minds of children. It’s not necessary to talk to them about something that hasn’t happened yet. Little ones have big imaginations, which means your child may think that if they think something frightening will happen…it will happen.” Kids don’t need the doomscroll; they don’t need the polling updates. You can say something like: It’s your job to listen to the adults in your life who are in charge of keeping you safe. “If you do need to talk to them, use simple, straightforward language. You shouldn’t lie,” says Karp, “but you don’t have to hit them with the whole adult truth.”
The most important thing, says Karp, is to create a calm refuge in the home for your child. There are plenty of things you can’t control, so focus on what you can do to inject a little peace: take a walk, go for a bike ride, read a book, gather some canned goods for a Thanksgiving food drive. Advice we could all put to use.
