Like any member of the LGBTQ+ community, I love nothing more than a good gay joke. When I identified as a lesbian, my stock-in-trade was Subaru bits (hacky, yes, but I did actually own one…until I crashed it). And once I came out as bi, I found my way to comfort within my new sexual identity by trading bits with other bisexuals about wearing Doc Martens, sitting backward in chairs, and whatever the hell else it is that we allegedly do besides, you know, being open to dating people of all genders.
All this is to say that it’s not easy to offend me when it comes to intra-community gay joshing. But some of the jokes—and, worse, genuine expressions of outrage—that I’ve seen about queer celebrities JoJo Siwa and Billie Eilish lately have been genuinely infuriating. The gay rumor mill has been churning out a lot of gossip about Siwa allegedly dumping her nonbinary partner Kath Ebbs for her Celebrity Big Brother costar Chris Hughes. And now that Eilish has been spotted making out with actor Nat Wolff, a longtime friend of hers, it seems that absolutely everyone has an opinion on what these two very young, sexually fluid celebrities should be doing with their dating lives.
Look, I was as excited as the next queer she/they when Siwa came out in 2021, and I rejoiced when Eilish sang about wanting to “eat that girl for lunch.” Do I understand why it might feel mildly disappointing to see Siwa and Eilish out and about with cishet men? Sure! I’ve had enough crushes on bi girls who ended up choosing guys over me to fill a whole back catalog of Chappell Roan songs. But the social media (and IRL) discourse suggesting that Siwa and Eilish are doing something wrong—instead of embracing the concept that a couple of 20-somethings might be…gasp…attracted to people of different genders—also rubs me the wrong way as someone building a life with a trans man. The narrative that the only quote-unquote real way to fulfill one’s expectations as a queer woman is by dating people who share your gender identity is not just narrow-minded; it’s an act of old-fashioned bi erasure.
Bisexuality can mean anything we want it to (emphasis on we, as in the actual bisexual community), and I choose to interpret it as—in the words of my friend Haley Jakobson—“horny for gender expansiveness.” I might be of gay-crone age compared to Siwa and Eilish, but I’ve lived enough queer life to know that my coming-out process may not be over. I could find myself identifying as a lesbian again someday or as genderqueer or as something else entirely, and I won’t be any less gay or less valid for it. All I want this Pride is for that same grace to be extended to Siwa, Eilish, and the many, many queer people whose identities can’t necessarily be distilled to a single word—or an individual partner.
