It can be hard to know what counts as flirting, let alone when flirting crosses the line into cheating territory. For example, recently, a friend told me about a text she’d seen from her boyfriend to his coworker. “Your haircut looks hot,” it said. Upset, she asked him what he’d meant. “Nothing,” he shrugged. “I was just giving her a compliment.” My friend tried to brush it off, but the bad feeling lingered. They broke up a few weeks later. “The text wasn’t the only reason, but it didn’t help. I couldn’t get past the idea that he was flirting behind my back. I lost trust,” she says.
Of course, paying someone a compliment isn’t always inherently flirtatious. For my friend, it came down to the choice of words. “If he’d said her haircut looked ‘nice,’ maybe I wouldn’t have cared as much,” she admits. “But ‘hot’ seemed sexual. I already felt uncomfortable with their relationship—she texted him a lot. Seeing his word choice confirmed my fears: he definitely wasn’t discouraging her.”
Whether real or perceived, flirting can sow seeds of doubt in a relationship—or, as in my friend s case, water seeds that had already started to sprout. “It can hurt a relationship, especially if it makes one partner feel insecure or disrespected,” confirms licensed mental health counselor Rachel Marmor. “Over time, this can really damage emotional closeness.”
Flirting or just friendly?
Flirting isn’t always easy to detect, even when you’re on the receiving end. By its very nature, it’s open to interpretation. A gesture, a smile, or an emoji could all be used to accentuate a point—or hint at the desire for something more. “The subtlety is actually what makes flirting fun and exciting,” notes psychotherapist Suzette Bray.
The distinction between friendly and flirty, then, comes down to intention. “Being friendly is all about showing kindness, being warm, and genuinely caring for someone,” explains psychologist Dr. Shaakira Haywood Stewart. “Flirting, on the other hand, is kindness wrapped in attraction or desire. It has a different energy.”
A good rule of thumb: Flirting tends to include behaviors or words that suggest attraction, interest, or an invitation for attention. “It’s often playful or teasing, with a sprinkle of sexual tension,” explains Bray.
Innocent flirting
All that makes sense, but it can also be challenging to know someone’s true intent; the other person may not be fully aware of it themselves. My friend with the coworker-texting boyfriend, for example, suspects he may have craved attention: “Looking back, he always needed a lot of validation; no amount was ever enough,” she says. “I don’t think he realized how a lot of his behavior came across.”
Many people are just naturally charismatic and enjoy engaging in what they consider to be harmless fun. “For some, it adds a spark to life, making them feel desirable and confident,” says Bray. “They may call it ‘innocent’ because it isn’t meant to go anywhere beyond a little ego boost or playful interaction.”
It’s worth noting, however, that most experts say flirting is never purely innocent, simply by definition: “There’s always intention behind flirting, and anything that has intention behind it is not innocent,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Goldberg. “Whether you’re trying to get something you want, trying to be perceived in a certain way, or trying to signal you find someone attractive, flirting has a purpose.”
That doesn’t mean that flirting is always negative or wrong, however. “Some couples might get a thrill from watching their partner flirt or be flirted with,” therapist Lauren Auer points out.
When flirting goes too far
What seems “innocent” to one person may not appear that way to the next. For example, the person initiating the flirting may have zero interest in pursuing a deeper connection, but that may not be true for the person on the receiving end. “Flirting can arouse emotions such as delight, craving, passion, and longing,” psychotherapist Adrienne L. Marshall says. “And once those emotions enter into the dynamic, they can be hard to curb.”
This is where flirting becomes a slippery slope. “Flirting crosses the line when it shifts from playful interaction to a situation where someone is seeking something more—a deeper emotional connection or potential physical intimacy,” says Bray.
Is flirting cheating?
Furthermore, if flirting makes your partner uncomfortable, “it’s already gone past the innocent stage,” Bray says. Still, when does it go from merely frustrating to an example of infidelity?
It really depends on the relationship—and how you and your partner define cheating. Infidelity, like flirting, is subjective. Even people who study it disagree on its parameters—and infidelity has been studied a lot. In one analysis, the definitions among researchers ranged from “any failure to love, honor, and support your partner” to “any action done in secrecy” to “any behavior that isn’t condoned by your partner,” secret or not. “Generally, infidelity is defined as any type of emotional, sexual, or romantic behavior that violates the exclusivity that romantic relationships have by definition,” the researchers concluded.
To make matters murkier, there are also different kinds of infidelity: physical, emotional, and micro-cheating that occurs solely via text or online. Within those categories, there’s also a spectrum. For most, sleeping with someone else is almost universally maligned, while sending a winky emoji could be a blurred line. “Flirting exists in the gray zone,” agrees Bray.
Flirting and emotional cheating
It may be in a gray zone, but regardless, experts agree that most infidelity—including emotional cheating—begins with flirting. “Flirting can morph into something more insidious,” Bray says. “Emotional cheating usually happens when you start to rely on someone outside your relationship for emotional support, connection, and validation in a way that competes with or replaces the bond you have with your partner.”
That said, flirting is only cheating if it infringes on the mutually-agreed-upon expectations that individuals have established—explicitly or implicitly—within a relationship. Thus, it’s up to you and your partner (or partners) to decide what counts—and to make sure you’re aligned. “There’s no hard-and-fast rule because different relationships have different boundaries,” says Bray. “In some partnerships, flirting is no big deal. In others, it’s seen as a threat or violation of trust.”
Should I tell my partner that I flirted with someone?
Even if you and your partner decide that the occasional flirtation outside the relationship is fine, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. “It’s a red flag if you find yourself hiding your flirtations or rationalizing why you’re engaging in them,” says Bray. “If you feel guilt, you’re hiding it, or it’s becoming a pattern, it’s worth addressing—either to come clean or to recalibrate your behavior and boundaries.”
To do otherwise can lead to further disconnection and mistrust. “If you find yourself attracted to someone, it’s okay to acknowledge that,” Haywood Stewart says. “We’re only human. What matters is that you’re honest and emphasize that your commitment is to your partner.”
What should you do if your partner is a flirt?
Obviously, the rule goes both ways. If it upsets you that your partner is flirting, it’s best to bring it up as soon as possible. “Be direct. Share what you saw and how it made you feel,” Haywood Steward recommends. “Open communication is the foundation of any strong relationship.”
It’s also the foundation of another relationship essential: respect. “Technically, flirting might not be cheating, but let’s be honest, it can be dangerously close to disrespect,” Haywood Stewart continues. “What matters is that you’re honest and showing you prioritize respect. This is how we build trust and deepen connection. Flirting might seem harmless, but in the end, it comes down to maintaining the respect and love that your relationship is built on.”
