Here are some things I learned about myself in my 20s: I am naturally introverted, and need at least two days to recover in between hangs; I will never be a talented baker because I don’t like following instructions; and I’m fairly monogamous. I’ve tried non-monogamy—just like I’ve tried baking, and back-to-back social events—but it’s not for me, unfortunately. I have a vaguely disorganized attachment style and find it difficult to focus on more than one person. I also don’t enjoy sharing the intimate space I have carved out with a partner. Is that selfish? Possibly. But it’s also true.
Non-monogamy isn’t for me, but it works well for others. I have friends who are blissfully non-monogamous by nature, with multiple partners that fulfill multiple needs. I know people who are committed long-term to one person, but who don’t mind them getting a little something-something on the side. I can definitely see the appeal, and I like the idea, but not so much in practice. And that’s okay: there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to love and sex. Intimacy is fluid; there’s no correct framework for how such a thing can be expressed.
That said, in the past few years, as the star of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) has risen, so too has the idea that there is one “right” way to be. Polyamorous people love talking about their polyamory in the smoking area and saying things like, “Love is not a limited resource!” and, one of my personal faves, “Monogamy is a violent system solely designed to uphold capitalism and the patriarchy.” Meanwhile, monogamous people, who still rule the roost in wider society, often look down on those with alternative relationship styles. “Isn’t that just sanctioned cheating?” is one argument that comes up frequently (any ENM person will tell you that it’s quite the opposite). “Ugh,” they say. “Could never be me!”
I’ve probably swung in both directions at various points in my life. But, ultimately, I now subscribe to a concept that I like to call “relationship neutrality,” which is basically the idea that how other people conduct their relationships is none of your business, and not really up for discussion. Being non-monogamous or polyamorous doesn’t automatically make you more enlightened or free-thinking than anyone else (we all know that guy with the dangly earring who uses ENM as an excuse to act like a terrible human). Being monogamous also doesn’t make you morally superior, or immune to the types of complications experienced in any relationship. (Sorry to break it to you, but instructing a person to stop being attracted to others isn’t going to work.)
There’s also the fact that your relationship style might change over time, and with different people. I’m currently in a monogamous relationship, but if I’d never met my partner, would I have been monogamous with someone else? Or is it just her I want to be monogamous with? Equally, there might be times when two people’s sex drives won’t align, or they might find themselves in a long-distance relationship, in which case it could make sense to explore ENM for a while. My point is: relationship styles can be mutable and contextual. You don’t have to pick a team and then stick with it for the rest of your life. After all, you’re the one who has to live with it.
I asked a friend recently why she doesn’t see herself getting into a monogamous relationship anytime soon, or maybe even ever. She’d tried, she told me, but it didn’t work out in the long run. “I like myself more when I’m not tied to one person,” she explained. “Plus, I like to know that the person I’m sleeping with is attractive to others.” I rolled her answer around in my mind for a few days afterwards, and decided that I really liked what she’d said. I liked the idea that she would choose that relationship style purely because it brings out the best in her. The same could be said for myself. Being with one person makes me feel safe and secure, which brings out the best in me. For others, it’s the other way round. Neither is correct; they just are.
In future years, it’s inevitable that non-monogamy will continue becoming a more accepted and mainstream relationship style. It’s also inevitable that people will continue being monogamous, just as they always have done. What I would love to see more of, though, are discussions around relationships that are a little looser, more accepting, and less propped up by vague ideas about “morality.” Because really, what somebody does with their body and heart is just that: their call.