Anyone who has ever been in a relationship has a Wendy Jones: someone who lives and breathes so viscerally in your head they’re practically part of you. You know everything about them, from the jeans they wear and the pilates studio they frequent to the names of their siblings and which Greek island they visited five years ago. You hear their voice when you close your eyes at night. You see their shadow lurking in every corner. You loathe them. You worship them. You’re hopelessly addicted to them.
Wendy Jones is a character in Lena Dunham’s new Netflix series, Too Much. Played by Emily Ratajkowski, she is the new girlfriend of Zev (Michael Zegen), the ex of main character Jessica (Meg Stalter), whose fixation opens every episode by way of a voiceover addressing Wendy directly. “Dear Wendy Jones,” says Jessica, before proceeding to unleash various soliloquies about her new life in London, where she has moved in search of a fresh start after her relationship of seven years with Zev came to an end.
What follows throughout the 10-episode series are several social media deep dives and emotional outbursts illustrating the hold that Wendy has over Jessica’s soul and spirit. She can think of little else and, at one point, pretends to watch an entire film with the man she’s just started dating while secretly scrolling through Wendy’s Instagram. It doesn’t help that Wendy is an influencer, giving Jessica endless information and content to pore and cry over.
To reduce this set of feelings to jealousy would be myopic. It’s not that Jessica necessarily wants to get back with Zev. Nor is it even that she wants to be more like Wendy, with her self-made social empire and goddess-like face (this is EmRata, remember). The fixations we have on an ex’s new partner run far deeper than that. I know that because I’ve experienced them—many, many times.
Whenever an ex of mine has started dating someone new, I’ve seen it as an invitation to obsess. It’s exciting, in a way, like the new partner becomes a blank whiteboard for me to project all of my worst insecurities onto. Generally, against my better judgement, I start by looking at her body: how does it look in comparison to mine? What clothes suit her figure that wouldn’t suit mine? How much natural frizz is there in her hair when it dries naturally? Are her feet so wide that she often needs special shoes, or are they delicate and narrow, like a ballerina’s?
And that’s just appearances. After we cover those bases, there are infinite realms to explore—like what she does for a living, whether she owns or rents, how she is with children, if her friends would describe her as “edgy” or “goofy” (always edgy), and God help us all if she’s French—a fear Too Much toys with fantastically; the ex-girlfriend of Jessica’s new love interest, Felix, is Parisian (and played by Adèle Exarchopoulos).
It’s become dangerously easy to obtain this information, thanks to social media, where all of us have been given access to the deep cuts of each other’s lives. Once you bypass Instagram and TikTok, there’s LinkedIn, X, and a Facebook profile they haven’t used in a decade. Mostly, all you need is a first name as your ticket to entry. Within seconds, you can find yourself aimlessly wandering around someone’s psyche, looking for clues and souvenirs.
Sometimes, gathering all this intel makes me feel terrible about myself, like it’s highlighting everything I secretly thought I was lacking. But other times, it’s almost galvanizing. Thrilling, even. Like I need it to get on with my day, so that I can energize and better understand myself. The information becomes my fuel. My purpose. An entire religion devoted to the church of Her. Once, an ex intentionally withheld the identity of his new girlfriend in a bid to protect me (and probably also her), knowing I’d descend into madness. Of course, this only made things worse. I found myself hysterically begging him and everyone I knew for her name, as if my entire sense of self was hanging in the balance.
None of this is good, nor is it particularly sane. But, as Dunham’s show illustrates, it’s surprisingly common. “My ex of seven years started dating someone that I went to school with three months after we broke up, and I am obsessed with her,” says Harriet*, 30. “I bumped into them holding hands a little while ago. He would never touch me in public or hold my hand. All I’ve done for the past two weeks is think about her hands. Why are they better than mine? Are they soft? Does she have long nails? Does she wear rings? It’s driving me crazy.”
We put these people on a pedestal—one that is usually far higher than wherever we’ve placed our ex to rest, alongside any lingering resentment and pain. Up top, it’s mostly a perpetual ricochet between hatred and worship, intense feelings based on little else besides our imaginations. Everyone knows social media isn’t an accurate depiction of a person, and yet we find transcendental meaning in it all.
“A break-up doesn’t just end a relationship, it often disrupts our sense of identity,” explains psychologist Rina Bajaj. “This is especially true if you have an anxious attachment style, where losing connection feels like danger. So when your ex moves on, your brain starts scrambling for answers, reassurance, or control.”
The compulsion to compare is also human nature—particularly in this context. “But thanks to the internet, you’re comparing yourself to someone’s highlight reel. That can quickly spiral into ‘they’re prettier,’ ‘they’re more successful,’ and suddenly, you’re not just mourning the relationship, you’re questioning your own worth.”
Such thinking doesn’t always stop with an ex’s new partner, either. “I used to secretly watch old videos on my boyfriend’s laptop of him and his ex from when they’d traveled around Australia together for a year,” says Michelle*, 32. “Whenever they were interacting in the videos and you could see them both, I’d put them in slow motion, or pause to analyze their body language to see if they seemed more ‘in love’ than my boyfriend and I. I’d also replay parts where she was speaking over and over again. She was French and I’d become obsessed with her accent. Is her voice more sexy than mine? Is she more intelligent than me?” This was five years ago. “But I can still replay all those moments in the videos verbatim in my mind. I probably remember their year abroad together better than they do.”
In the end, Michelle was found out and her boyfriend proceeded to chastise her for being nosy. “I just sat there like a naughty child and accepted it,” she recalls. “But secretly I remember thinking: It was worth it.”
It’s easy to see how this behavior could affect women more powerfully. Internalized misogyny pits us against one another, so having an actual “replacement” in your mind to compete against can be a recipe for psychological disaster. “Your brain may default to ‘she won, I lost,’ as if love were some kind of reality-show elimination round,” explains Dr. Bajaj. “Internalized misogyny teaches women to see each other as threats instead of allies. It says your value depends on being chosen. And even if you don’t believe that consciously, the pattern can show up in sneaky ways, such as comparison, envy, or even shame.”
Yet we can all escape this trap. The first step is to acknowledge the problem and show yourself some compassion—because, chances are, far more people are doing this than we realize. “Talk to yourself like you would to a friend going through a break-up,” suggests Dr. Bajaj. “Be kind. Be honest. Be gentle. And finally, shift the spotlight back to you. What lights you up? What have you been neglecting? Pour that energy into becoming the next version of yourself, not someone else’s replacement. The goal isn’t to erase pain or comparison, but to stop letting them define you.”
Unfollowing, muting, and blocking can all be useful tools, too. None of us should have to wake up each day addressing the new partner of an ex like they’re our spiritual leader. But if you’re still struggling, I’d suggest finding peace in the possibility that you’re not alone. Because for all you know, that new partner could be just as obsessed with you.
* Some names have been changed to protect interviewees identities.