In 1948, Vogue published its 658-page Book of Etiquette, compiled by editor Millicent Fenwick, featuring how-tos, dos and don’ts, and the proper politesse for a remarkably varied set of scenarios. But as Fenwick writes in the introduction: “Etiquette is based on tradition, and yet it can change.” Some 75 years later, Oh, Behave! is a new monthly Vogue column in which experts sound off on today’s ever-evolving social etiquette.
This month’s column is devoted to the bachelorette party—a bridal milestone that a lot of people have a lot of thoughts about. To help us settle—once and for all—the best practices for bachelorette parties and trips (we’re talking money here), we’ve called upon Bella Thorne and Plum Sykes. We catch Thorne in the middle of planning her own bachelorette trip: the actor’s big day is later this year and unsurprisingly, she’s resolute in the opinions she holds about the bridal tradition. Opposite Thorne, we have Sykes, whose fourth book, Wives Like Us, is published next month by Harper Collins—and the British author and Vogue alum has her own take on the largely American celebration. Let’s get to it.
Etiquette for the Bride to Be
First of all, which is best? Bachelorette party or hen party?
Sykes: Hen party goes back to that saying “a hen-pecked husband,” and then you think to yourself, Oh my God, no! So I actually think bachelorette is a very chic description of that particular kind of party. A hen party doesn’t sound much fun, in a way—it sounds like a whole load of chickens. In England, they call the male party a stag, which now seems weird. The stag and hen thing is too dated, too sexist, basically. Bachelor and bachelorette is quite nice. That’s what people will start saying here in England eventually, because all those things drift over.
Is it the maid of honor’s role to plan the bachelorette celebration?
Sykes: Definitely, the maid of honor has got to plan it because the bride is pretty much planning her wedding. So, is it the maid of honor’s role? Yes, it is her role. Whether or not she actually does it, or does it well? That’s another question completely. Maybe pick a maid of honor who might not be your best friend but is a really good P.A.
Thorne: Yaaas! The maid of honor should definitely plan it. But for my own bachelorette, I’m pretty…I’m trying to look for a better word to say this, and the only thing that came to my mind was anal. I’m controlling when it comes to what we’re actually going to do. My girls know what I like, but I think it depends on whether your maid of honor is actually very close to you—then you can have her take control and plan. But if she’s not as close to you, maybe she won’t know everything you want.
How involved can a bride be in the planning of her bachelorette celebration?
Sykes: Well, this probably goes back to choosing the right maid of honor, doesn’t it? So don’t just choose your best friend because you’ll feel guilty if you don’t—choose someone you know is going to plan the party that you would want. If you’ve asked someone to arrange something for you, then you meddle, it causes tension. And what you really don’t want for a wedding is tension—though a wedding brings out all the possible family tensions you could possibly imagine. It just springs up!
Thorne: I think super involved. Super involved with lots of fun random surprises from the maid of honor. I think it’s always better to be involved—but again, controlling bride over here!
Tell us about your own bachelorette parties.
Sykes: I refused to have a hen party because I thought they were so dreadful. I’m slightly against hen parties, but I think the American bachelorette party has had a much longer history and lifetime. If I were going back again and I had to have a bachelorette party, I know now exactly who I’d choose to plan it—someone with my taste, who likes the same things as me. It’s about the maid of honor and the bride having a plan and then the maid of honor executing it. Would that be a fair way to do it? Like the bride giving AWOKs to the copy!
Thorne: Well, the girls haven’t started planning it yet! But I saw Olivia Culpo posted some of what she did for her bachelorette; she took a little private plane and her bachelorettes set it up with a bunch of goodies and everyone had sweatshirts and stuff that were matching. I love all that shit. I think she just went to Mexico or something—I was like, well, that’s fairly easy. My girls want to go to Ibiza, where me and Mark [Emms] first met, and I’m like, that’s so far away! Plus, we need a country where we can smoke weed, which is why I’m saying no to Ibiza.
What’s ideal? A bachelorette party (one night) or a trip?
Sykes: A bachelorette party has got to come down to one thing—simple, because you’ve already got the wedding as well. I think the thing that people forget when they’re planning their wedding is that it all becomes very exhausting by the time you get to the wedding. Anything in the lead-up should be the most fun, and the least exhausting, possible. Plus, when you’re in a big group, most people will have more fun in a shorter space of time together than for days on end, especially all women—well, we’ll get to that, won’t we?
Thorne: A big moment, all the way! I would prefer a trip. I don’t get the whole thing about going to a strip club and all that. None of that really interests me. So I think a weekend with lots of games sounds really fun. Basically, I love games. If there’s any way to have games involved, I’m there.
What’s the ideal length of a bachelorette trip?
Sykes: Anything longer than two nights is too long. No one really wants to do more than a weekend—a Friday night and a Saturday night is fine. By the Sunday night, everyone’s completely pooped and run out of steam.
Thorne: I would say four days, four good days for the bachelorette trip. You’ll need a day and a half for the hangover.
Should the bride pay for her bachelorettes or the other way around?
Sykes: If the bride is doing a destination bachelorette, she absolutely should not expect her guests to pay for it, or for her. The bachelorettes shouldn’t have to pay for a long trip, especially when the planning is out of their hands. But if it’s a small party that’s local, then I think the bachelorettes should pay for it if they can.
Thorne: I think the bride should pay for the bachelorettes, but that the bachelorettes should put some money towards either one night or some activity. I feel like it’s weird if it’s just all paid for by the bride. Then your friends are like, signing the checks for you—that feels a little weird.
How should the bride invite her bridal party to the bachelorette party?
Sykes: I do love that American sort of thing, covering everything in monograms and personalizing and customizing everything—it is so charming and seems so personal. If you could be really extravagant and if you’ve got oodles and oodles of money and lots of time to organize it, I think it would be so lovely to send a Paravel monogrammed weekend bag for the weekend. But in reality, a Paperless Post—if you design your own template—is really, really lovely.
Thorne: Well, I’m getting a glass box carved for my two ladies—on the outside of the box, it has an engraving asking them to be my bachelorette and maid of honor. For the trip, a group text. Definitely a group text.
How organized should the trip be? Every hour accounted for? Some flexibility?
Sykes: I personally have an anxiety attack if I get sent a schedule of events, including things like: You will be hiking up a mountain at this time. You’ll be taking a cold swim half an hour after that. And then you’ll be eating some food. And then you’ll be going to see a work of art. I don’t think every hour should be accounted for. There should be things on offer to do, but it should be made very clear that everything is optional, and staying in your room and having a massage is absolutely acceptable. -
Thorne: I think that there should be some room for flexibility. When I watch Housewives—man, they’ve got something planned every hour for their girls’ trips. I’m like, that’s too much!
Phallic paraphernalia? Yay or nay?
Sykes: For me, it’s a no. I’m just too square for all of that. I think it’s too embarrassing.
Thorne: Of course! Lots of flowers, lots of penis paraphernalia. On my trip, I think we’ll do as much penis paraphernalia as we possibly can without being pulled over. You know when they put like a sexy man on the wall, and then you have to try and pin the penis on him? At my mom’s bachelorette party that we threw for her, we did that and that was fun. So we’ll definitely be doing that again.
Games on the trip? Yay or nay?
Sykes: Someone told me about a game someone played at a dinner party the other day. The host suddenly turned around and said to their guests, “You’ve got to admit how many people in this room you’ve slept with.” A woman was so embarrassed that she got up and left the room. So I think games that embarrass people are definitely off the table, but games where everyone’s having a laugh and they’re all in on the joke? Absolutely. Great. Love games. I think it’s brilliant.
Thorne: Drinking games. I’m a big drinking game person.
An all-white wardrobe for the bride? Yay or nay?
Sykes: I think it’s very pretentious and very fabulous and I think she should. Your wedding day is one of the only times you can wear an incredible white gown, and maybe your bachelorette party is one of the only times you can wear an all-white wardrobe all weekend long and look like an angel. So why not?
Thorne: Yes and no. I think it’d be fun to dress up in hot pink, and then all the ladies dress up in white.
Can the bride select coordinating outfits for the bachelorettes?
Sykes: I went to one of Gwyneth Paltrow’s birthday parties. It was like a destination event, and we all got a tee that said, “I went to Gwyneth’s birthday party, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” I loved it. If it’s something fun and upbeat and jolly, and everyone’s in on the joke, I think it’s absolutely fine. I don’t think the bachelorettes should be forced to wear all the same thing—remember, they’ve got to do that on the wedding day.
Thorne: Yay. Definitely a yes. I love all the community spirit. So cute. And I love matching with my friends.
Should the bride provide goodie bags at the party?
Sykes: I think it’s quite sweet and it makes people feel very welcome. I was at a party—it wasn’t a bachelorette party—hosted by Alice Naylor-Leyland, and she had a napkin monogram for each person individually with their full initials on it. And we all took that home and thought it was the most wonderful thing to keep. I’m all for the goodie bag—put some nice chocolates in, a candle, and some fabulous Gucci sunglasses if you’re really going to go all out.
Thorne: Ideally, yes, with essentials for the weekends. If you’re going to a hot place, then in your gift bag, do the best sunscreen, body oil, and a really cute pair of flip-flops that say something alluding to the fact that you’re getting married and that they’re your besties.
Etiquette for the Bachelorettes
What should a bachelorette do if she can’t afford to take part in the celebration?
Sykes: I think she should just call a spade a spade and say, “I can’t afford it. Thank you for inviting me. I love you to death, but I’m not coming.” I really do. If you make an excuse while declining the invitation for a pretend reason, you’ll get found out. I just think everyone should be as honest as possible. It’s very difficult to do that, but I think it’s so much easier than making a whole load of excuses.
Thorne: If they can’t afford to take part in the celebration, then I would say ask the other bridesmaids—if you’re close, maybe they can help split it or cover you. Then you can grab everybody drinks or something. I think if you don’t have money, you just find ways to make that known and help out instead. I’ve been in a lot of places in my life where I didn’t have money; you don’t have to buy flowers, you can pick them. There are a lot of things you can do to celebrate the special day still.
How should someone who is pregnant or doesn’t drink handle the itinerary?
Sykes: Someone who’s pregnant should handle the itinerary by saying, “I’m not going on the itinerary.” Someone who doesn’t drink is probably used to being the only person who doesn’t drink around lots of people who do drink—so they’re probably absolutely fine. But I think if you are pregnant, going to big parties is a disaster—take it from me. Just don’t go.
Thorne: Whatever is at your discretion. If you can’t do something because it’ll make you nauseous, don’t do it. And if your bride is going to be a bitch because you’re pregnant, then maybe you should tell her to fuck off. A lot of brides get upset when their friends get pregnant during their wedding time—I’m like, what is wrong with you?
What should you do if you can’t stand someone else on the trip or party?
Sykes: Don’t mention it—to anyone! All smiles because it’s all about the bride. It’s not about your drama with someone else on the trip that you don’t like. You’ve just got to be polite. It’s for the greater good.
Thorne: Avoid them like the plague. Especially if you’re drinking, avoid them even more. Or I guess you could be like, “Let’s just put it to rest for this weekend and try and have a good time for our friend.”
If you’re not planning the trip, do you have a say in what’s on the itinerary?
Sykes: If someone invites you to dinner, you don’t say, I’d love to come to dinner, but I want to change the menu because I don’t like it. If you are a vegan and they’re only gonna serve rare beef, you just don’t go.
Thorne: No. You do not have a say–get your nose out of places it doesn’t belong! You can make suggestions. Suggestions are fine. Nobody will be upset by a suggestion, just don’t keep pushing it. Don’t make this day about you. Basically.
If you’re a single bachelorette and you meet someone out on the trip, can you ditch the party?
Sykes: I would say absolutely yes. Because I think all the other bachelorettes would understand that if you have potentially met “the one” you need to go after the one. You might miss Mr. or Mrs. Right.
Thorne: My God, no! If you’re at a club, maybe you can dance with them, but you can’t leave your friends! That’s asking for murder!
What makes for a good attendee for a bachelorette?
Thorne: You should strive to be supportive. Strive to be the life of the party. Make sure that the bride has everything she needs. Always get her a drink if she needs one or a tampon or whatever. And just be, just be like DTP—down to party. And always get the BTS. Take those photos!
