In 1948, Vogue published its 658-page Book of Etiquette, compiled by editor Millicent Fenwick, featuring how-tos, dos and don’ts, and the proper politesse for a remarkably varied set of scenarios. But as Fenwick writes in the introduction: “Etiquette is based on tradition, and yet it can change.” Some 75 years later, Oh, Behave! is a new monthly Vogue column in which experts sound off on today’s ever-evolving social etiquette.
This month’s column is devoted to the best practices of holiday partying (hosting and attending) and covers modern-day social queries like: Can you ask your guests to remove their shoes? How should you handle a dinner party while on Ozempic? And we investigate long-followed rules of decorum, like never showing up to a party empty-handed. For fresh takes on these matters, we’ve enlisted two trusted individuals to share their guidelines of good behavior: Ruthie Rogers, founder of London’s the River Café, and Brooklyn Beckham, budding home chef and eldest son of Posh and Becks.
Rogers, an American in London, is one of the city’s preeminent hosts (at her beloved restaurant in Fulham but also her home); she’s even launched the podcast Ruthie’s Table, where she chats with the illustrious individuals she’s entertained at the River Café. Beckham, meanwhile, is not only cultivating his culinary chops via a video cooking series with Facebook Watch but is also a highly sought-after RSVP. His attendance is requested at the very best gatherings—see his recent turn down the red carpet at the starry Academy Museum gala. Together, Rogers and Beckham are the perfect duo to instruct how—and how not—to behave at a holiday party. Find all of their advice below.
On Attending a Party
Vogue: How quickly should one RSVP to an event?
Rogers: One of the greatest things about throwing a party is that you learn how important it is to RSVP. It’s so important to the person hosting. Why not do it right away? It’s a bit like a thank-you letter—just do it right away.
Beckham: A few days, maximum. They’ve obviously spent a long time on the invitation and planning. It’s respectful to do it sooner rather than later.
How should one handle requesting a plus-one?
Rogers: It really depends on the occasion. I wouldn’t request to bring somebody to someone’s award ceremony, funeral, or wedding. You just have to suss it out and be very modest about it. I suppose you just say, “Would it be okay? If not, it’s fine.”
Beckham: I don’t really like going to places without my wife—I’m kind of an awkward person in public! She’s my other half. I don’t think it’s bad to ask if you could have a plus-one—it’s totally fine to ask.
The concept of never showing up empty-handed: outdated or mandatory?
Rogers: I like arriving with something, but if I’m rushing and I don’t, I think that’s okay too. We should just all not expect to be given something. A hostess gift is a very nice thing to receive, but I would definitely not say mandatory.
Beckham: It’s nice to show up with something, but it doesn’t have to be expensive. For example, my friend’s having dinner tonight, and I’m bringing his favorite tequila—it’s always nice to bring a little something.
If one is on Ozempic and has no appetite, how should they conduct themselves at a dinner party?
Rogers: I see this a lot, but people are pretty subtle about it—they’ll eat but don’t finish it. They put it to the side. They have complimentary things to say about the food. They eat slowly so they still keep up with everyone—and usually the conversation is so strong that you do not even notice!
Should one always adhere to a dress code—even a themed dress code?
Rogers: If you’re asked to a party that says everybody should wear something red, well, why wouldn’t you? I would never wear something I didn’t want to, but I’d be quite relaxed if asked.
Beckham: If you get invited to something that clearly states a theme, you have to wear the theme—you have to obey it. Me and my wife, when we go out somewhere, we love dressing the same—whether we wear the same color or go out matching.
How late is it too late to show up to a party?
Rogers: If it’s a dinner party, you should show up when the guest invites you. Why keep people waiting, wondering where you are?
Beckham: Five, ten, fifteen minutes late is fine, if there’s traffic. Being really late? I don’t think that’s the greatest look.
Can one ever rearrange the seating chat without the host’s consent?
Rogers: I wouldn’t do that. It’s just two hours of your life, and then you could always move around later!
Beckham: Absolutely not. That is a big one.
Are there any off-limit topics of conversation? What are they?
Rogers: I don’t have any off-limit topics. I love politics, issues, and people’s experiences. But talking about someone in a negative way is not great. If somebody starts saying something negative about somebody else, that doesn’t interest me very much.
Beckham: Talking about depressing stuff.
Should a guest mind their alcohol intake? Or just have fun—it’s a party!
Rogers: Have fun at the party. Somebody in London in the ’50s or ’60s had an account at a florist who would send cards saying, “Sorry about my behavior last night.” He would just call the florist the next morning and tell him the address. I think people should just have fun, you know?
Beckham: If one wants to get really drunk, they can. Doesn’t bother me.
What makes for a winning guest?
Rogers: I don’t think I’d ever think of guests in terms of winning or losing. I’m just so happy to have people in my home and to have fun and enjoy it.
Beckham: Just being nice, respectful, having fun, introducing yourself to everyone. Those are some of the important things.
What do you consider a guest faux pas?
Rogers: You take people for what they are, who they are, not whether they’ve made a mistake or been good or been bad or been appreciative or cleared the table even—you know, unconditional love.
Beckham: Smoking in the house.
On Hosting a Party
What is the ideal way to invite guests to a party: text, email, Paperless Post?
Rogers: I prefer one-to-one contact—text or call—unless it’s over 30 people. I just did Thanksgiving for 30 people, and that was all by phone—I’m the last of the phone callers! I also had a party two weeks ago for my friends Graydon and Anna Carter; there were about 55 people to invite, and we designed an invitation to be emailed. Graphics are very important to me as a graphic designer—I love beautiful colors and an invitation that makes you actually want to say yes.
Beckham: When I’m hosting a holiday party, I love to design postcards and or an invite, which I will email or text all my friends. It feels more personal that way.
Can one ask guests to remove their shoes upon entering their home? Or is that a step too far?
Rogers: I never put a dress code on an invitation or tell people what to wear, so I’m reluctant to tell people to take off their shoes—unless I have to. The less I have to tell anyone what to do, the better. One time we gave a party for the Serpentine Gallery for about 400 people, and we have a delicate oak floor in our living room. We just bought linoleum flooring and had it put down, so we didn’t have to tell anybody to do anything! But if I’m asked, I’ll do whatever. I’m pretty relaxed about life.
Beckham: One hundred percent. Especially after COVID, when my wife and I host dinner parties, we ask everyone to take off their shoes. But we have a bunch of slippers for them to walk around the house. I don’t think that’s bad to ask at all. It’s pretty reasonable.
How should one accommodate guests’ dietary restrictions?
Rogers: When we gave a party at the River Café to welcome Edward Enninful to London, I said [to the organizers], “Are we going to do the dietary-restriction thing?” And they said it’s up to the person to let us know. I’m pretty relaxed; I don’t ask people to tell me their dietary requirements, but as a host, you should have options.
Beckham: I usually just do a bunch of different options: vegan, pasta, vegetarian. Sometimes I ask my friends what they want, but I usually just do a big spread, and people usually like it.
How should one handle alcoholic drinks brought as hostess gifts? Should they be served?
Rogers: I’m really lucky because a magazine once asked me what my ideal gift is. I said that tequila is my passion. And so now everybody brings me a bottle of tequila, and it’s so much fun! Of course, I open it right away, and we try it. I love opening a present and having it then and there.
Beckham: I collect wine and have a line of sake called WeSake. It’s one of my passions, so I am usually thinking about what wine and alcohol I want to serve. The night before I host, I pick out the wine and set it up right so the sediment falls to the bottom. I always love to prepare all these little moments right before—but if people want to bring their own drink that they want to enjoy, I don’t think that’s bad at all.
What’s your go-to hostess gift?
Rogers: I like to bring somebody a bottle of the River Café olive oil because it’s part of me and it’s kind of hard to get.
Should a host play a role in introducing guests to one another? Or should they let things happen organically?
Rogers: Being American—I like to blame it on that—I’m probably an obsessive introducer. I was amazed when I first came to England that people didn’t introduce you. As an American, you’re taught to introduce yourself—I stick my hand out and say, “Hi, I’m Ruthie Rogers,” even if I know that people probably know me. And I really like introducing people too.
Beckham: A mix of both, really. If I have two friends I really want to meet, I’ll introduce them, but sometimes I just let my guests do their thing and try to get comfortable.
How do you recommend devising a menu? Should they work around a theme?
Rogers: Let’s talk about dinner for 8 to 10, because I really try not to host more than that—I think, well, what would I like? If it’s going to be a cold winter day, I’d want something warm. But what you should really think about is what will be easy for you, what’s in season, what you can afford, and what you’re comfortable with. It’d be really nice if you could sit down and breathe. You shouldn’t give a dinner where you’re worried about impressing people—those people you can take out.
Beckham: I don’t really like to stick with one specific cuisine. I like mixing it up, and it’s basically whatever I’m feeling. Sometimes I do English dishes, some fish and chips, bangers and mash. Sometimes I do some Italian. My favorite thing to cook is actually spaghetti Bolognese. So I do a bunch of that, some fish, some steak.
How should guests be served? Family-style or buffet style?
Rogers: I just love to sit down and eat at the table rather than line up for a buffet. If I’m doing a bowl of pasta, I’ll bring it to the table and dish it out. I prefer to plate at the table than bring out everybody’s plated food. It’s just nice to have that contact.
Beckham: Family-style. I like a massive table where everyone’s sitting and I just put big bowls and plates in the middle and people can just grab them.
How should guests be seated? With name cards and a designated seat or unplanned?
Rogers: It depends on how many people. If you’re six, you can just say, ’Guys, sit down where you like.’ If it’s more than that, it’s probably best to do place cards. Graydon Carter said to have the name written on both sides of the place card because then you can see your name without having to walk around the table and look. That’s a cute little tip.
Beckham: It’s usually my wife who does the seating plan—she’s a lot better than I am at table arrangements.
Should couples be seated next to each other? Or should the host break them up?
Rogers: If I’m doing a big dinner for 50 people, I don’t think I would put couples next to each other. That said, I will never be happier than if I were to sit next to my husband. But you hold your nose and jump when you go to somebody’s dinner. The other day I said to my friend who was hosting a dinner, ‘Put me next to the person you don’t know who to put next to, who you think is really boring.’ I always find something interesting about most people. And she put me next to her husband!
Beckham: I love sitting opposite my wife so I can look at her. That way I can sit next to my friends or make new friends with someone sitting next to me. But to be honest, it’s up to my wife. She loves doing table seating.
Should guests help clean up?
Rogers: Most of my friends always get up and take a plate. I’ve seen people who probably have never cleared a plate in their lives get up and take a plate. It’s just what you do, you know? But I wouldn’t judge anybody who didn’t. Actually, one of my great pleasures is, after dinner when everybody’s gone, clearing up. It makes me think about the evening. It reminds me of where somebody’s sitting. I like the activity of blowing out the candles, putting one load in the dishwasher, and just wiping the table. There’s a nice calm to that.
Beckham: Personally I think the host should clean up. I love cleaning up. I’m a very tidy person so I’m usually the one to tidy up—me and my wife.
How should one signal to guests that it’s time they leave?
Rogers: Well, I’ve never been in that position because I’ve never really wanted anybody to leave! I would just see it through. Why not? The longer they stay, the better.
Beckham: I never really give a signal. As long as they want to stay and they’re having fun, then they can stay as long as they want. I don’t really try to kick them out.
What makes for a winning host?
Rogers: A friend of mine told me that whenever anybody enters your house—a guest, a member of the family, or somebody coming to fix your dishwasher—they should be offered something within 60 seconds of arriving: coffee or a glass of water. It means that you’re stopping what you’re doing to recognize that the person is there.
Beckham: Great food, great drinks, great vibes, good music. Everyone just having fun and a good time. But the food is very important.
