If you’ve been online much over the last few weeks, you may have seen the words “coercive control,” “boundaries,” and “therapy speak” doing the rounds. The conversation was instigated by Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend, surfer Sarah Brady, who leaked a string of messages allegedly between the pair, detailing alarming “boundaries” that Hill had seemingly set out for her during their relationship.
In the screenshots, the actor, who is yet to comment, explained that he deemed certain behaviors off-limits for romantic partnership, including posting pictures “in a bathing suit,” “modeling,” “surfing with men,” “inappropriate friendships with men,” or even “friendships with women who are in unstable places from your wild recent past beyond getting a lunch or coffee or something respectful.” Brady labeled Hill a “misogynistic narcissist” and accused him of being “emotionally abusive.” Hill’s use of the word “boundaries” has also sparked debate, shining a light on the weaponized use of therapeutic language and the signs of coercive control in a relationship.
But what, exactly, is coercive control? And if you’re not getting physically hurt, can you still be experiencing domestic abuse? According to Ruth Davison, CEO of the UK-based domestic abuse charity Refuge, yes, you can be. “Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse,” she tells Vogue. “Very often we still think of domestic abuse as domestic violence, but coercive control is when a person with whom you’re in a relationship repeatedly behaves in a way that can make you feel controlled, dependent, isolated, or scared. It is a pattern of behavior that is nonviolent, although it can, of course, come alongside physical violence, and it’s designed to control you.”
Evan Stark, who wrote the book Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life, also likens coercive control to being taken hostage. He says it “includes multiple elements and a pattern of behavior” that over time deprives people of their “rights and resources” and “prevents them from being” truly alive.
Coercive control was criminalized in the UK in December 2015, and, according to domestic abuse charity Women’s Aid, there were 17,616 offenses of coercive control recorded by the police in the year ending March 2019. Stats also show that 97% of defendants prosecuted for coercive and controlling behavior in the year ending December 2018 were male.
Prosecution rates still remain low, but in recent times there has been an important shift in the conversations we’re having as a society around certain behaviors. Davison points to shows like Love Island and other reality TV programs, and how discussions are now being had about contestants and what is, or isn’t, acceptable behavior. But there’s still a way to go to fully understand coercive control, and how exactly to detect it.
Below, Vogue shares the red flags to look out for, and a guide to recognizing whether you’re experiencing this form of abuse.
How can you spot signs of coercive control in your own relationship?
“If something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, it probably isn’t,” says Sarah Davidge, head of research and evaluation at Women’s Aid. “A healthy relationship should be a loving, respectful place with values like happiness, freedom, support, and consent at its core.” While every situation is unique, there are some common signals that occur time and time again, such as “love bombing” a person at the start of a relationship in order to entrap them before insidious changes begin to take place.
According to Davidge, red flags can include the abuser isolating you from friends and family; depriving you of basic needs, like food; monitoring your time and movements; and taking control over your everyday life, like where you go, whom you see, what you wear, and even when you sleep. It can also include repeatedly putting you down and eroding your confidence; humiliating, degrading, and dehumanizing you; controlling your finances; intimidating you or threatening you; as well as gaslighting you and making you doubt what you know to be the truth.
Stark also highlights the above, noting that low-level violence and sexual coercion also constitute coercive control. At its core, it’s about “control of self,” with an abuser micromanaging every aspect of a partner’s life, “from how she cleans, to how she dresses, to how she bathes and even which TV shows she watches” until she becomes almost “automated.”
How does “therapy speak” play into coercive control?
The tag “therapy speak” now has more than 16 billion views on TikTok, proving it’s well and truly part of the modern vernacular. So how can you identify when it’s problematic? “Coercive control is predominantly perpetrated through language, so the language someone’s using is always important,” says Davison. “Using therapy speak can absolutely be one way of putting you down or discounting your perspective.” Using words such as “boundaries” could arguably be a part of this. “The thing I would say about boundaries is that the boundaries should be negotiated—they’re mutually agreed,” she adds. “It’s very, very different to imposing rules on someone, so whether that comes in the guise of therapy speak or not, that can be controlling.”
What should you do if you find yourself a victim of coercive control?
“The most important thing I think you can do if you feel unsafe is to trust your instinct,” says Davison. “Reach out to friends and family. Even if you have cut yourself off from them because the abuser has asked you to, tell them what’s happening.” For those without someone to call, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is open 24/7 at 800-799-7233 (SAFE). Refuge also offers digital support via their live chat.
Meanwhile, Women’s Aid shares practical advice for safety, such as planning your exit carefully once you’ve made the difficult decision to leave. They say: “Plan to leave at a time when you know your partner won’t be around. Try and take everything you will need with you—for example, important documents relating to you and your children.” They likewise recommend trying to set aside a small amount of money, and to consider your safety options around tech, such as changing passwords and turning off location finders. And, of course, if you find yourself in serious danger, call 911.
How do you help a friend you suspect is experiencing coercive control?
“The biggest advice I would give is to be consistent, continue to offer friendship, continue to reach out with no strings attached,” says Davison. If someone has confided in you about experiencing abuse, remember that it takes a lot of strength to talk about these experiences, especially as so many women are dismissed when they share them. “If someone has reached out to you, acknowledge that she has taken an important and brave step by talking to you. Listen to her and believe her. Let her know that there is support available when she is ready for it.”
Davison also says the language you use is important: “Instead of saying, ‘If I were you, I’d leave,’ show that you understand the barriers that she might be facing. It is also important not to blame the person for the abuse that they are experiencing, so avoid saying things like ‘That sounds unlike him,’ or ‘What did you do?’ Instead, try ‘Your feelings are valid and I believe you,’ or ‘You don’t deserve this, no matter what.’”
Find out more about Refuge here. Find out more about Women’s Aid here.