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Though limerence—a.k.a. obsessive longing—has become a sort of buzzword recently, it’s actually a pretty well-worn concept; there are endless literary examples of weepy protagonists investing way too much in their would-be significant other, from Romeo Montague to Goethe’s sorrowful young Werther. (And, of course, on the rom-com side of things, there’s Annie Reed from Sleepless in Seattle and Lara Jean Covey from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before…)
But what is limerence all about, really? Below, its full definition and a guide to how it can affect relationships.
What is the psychological definition of limerence?
“Limerence is a psychological state of intense and obsessive infatuation with another person,” explains psychotherapist Lucas Saiter, founder of Manhattan Therapy NYC. While the state of falling in love or lust is often predicated on those feelings being reciprocated by a partner, limerence is specifically based on uncertainty about the object of your affections (a.k.a. your “limerent object”) returning your ardor.
Also, limerence isn’t just a little crush—it’s all-consuming. “It’s marked by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and a craving for reciprocation. It’s a near-compulsive cognitive and emotional fixation on a person who may or may not return the same level of interest,” Saiter says.
Where does the term limerence come from?
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who coined the term in her 1979 book Love and Limerence, described the concept as follows: “I don’t direct this thing, this attraction, to Emily. It directs me. I try desperately to argue with it, to limit its influence, to channel it (into sex, for example), to deny it, to enjoy it and, yes, dammit, to make her respond! Even though I know that Emily and I have absolutely no chance of making a life together, the thought of her is an obsession. I am in the position of passionately wanting someone I don’t want at all and could find no use for if I had her.”
According to Saiter, Tenov created the term in order to describe a specific and universal experience of romantic obsession that didn’t fit within existing clinical definitions of love or desire. Tenov also noted that limerence can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, ethnicity, background, or any other trait.
How do you know if you’re in limerence?
As a state of mind, limerence can be characterized by irrational or intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, uncertainty and fear of rejection. “If you’re in limerence, you might feel euphoric when interactions go well, devastated when they don’t, and aware of the other person’s behaviors, words, and moods,” says Saiter. “Your thoughts may be obsessive, and your self-worth can feel connected to their response. It’s often less about who the person is and more about how they make you feel.”
Most tellingly, limerence is signified by idealization—you may become so obsessed with your projections that, ironically, you don’t focus on actually getting to know your limerent object at all. In this way, limerence can preclude genuine connection, as the person experiencing limerence may be so consumed by the intensity of their own feelings that they’re not really present or able to establish or deepen interpersonal bonds.
What are the three stages of limerence?
The three stages of limerence are infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration. Infatuation refers to the period of falling for a limerent object; crystallization refers to the process of idealizing said limerent object or, as it’s often phrased, “putting them on a pedestal;” and deterioration refers to the inevitable emotional crash that comes with the loss of a limerent object as a potential solution to all of one’s problems. “Either the feelings fade or reality sets in,” says Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist Dr. Molly Burrets.
How long does limerence last?
Each situation is unique, and limerence can last anywhere from a few weeks to, in extreme cases, 15 years or even a lifetime. “The duration largely depends on the behavior of the limerent object and whether uncertainty is maintained. Uncertainty acts as fuel for limerence, so resolution—either through reciprocation or clear rejection—typically shortens the experience,” notes London-based psychotherapist Daren Banarsë.
Generally, however, Tennov’s research suggests that the average duration of limerence is between 18 months and three years. “What’s fascinating about this timeframe is that roughly corresponds to the period needed to conceive, deliver, and nurse a child through its most vulnerable early years—about two years,” says Banarsë. “This suggests limerence may have evolved as a bonding mechanism to keep couples together during this critical period.”
Can limerence turn into love?
It is entirely possible for limerence to turn into true and lasting love. “In some cases, limerence can evolve into a deeper attachment over time, if the infatuation gives way to genuine connection, mutual understanding, and emotional safety,” says Burrets.
In other words, love isn’t not guaranteed. But the intensity of limerence isn’t a good predictor of relationship success. “Limerence is best understood as the first flowering of romantic love—a powerful biological drive to form a pair bond,” says Banarsë. “When mutual limerence exists, that ecstatic state will inevitably fade. What matters is whether genuine compatibility exists beneath the obsession. Healthy, lasting love is characterized by deep affection, companionship, and mutual support rather than obsessive highs and lows.”
When is limerence dangerous?
Limerence isn’t all bad—or necessarily even wrong. After all, it’s all about the romantic notion of falling for someone headfirst. However, according to the Attachment Project, problems can occur when “the limerent person struggles to think about anything else but their ‘crush’ and neglects their social life, work, and other responsibilities as a result.”
To that end, limerence could be the sign of an unhealthy attachment style or be used as a means of escapism. “It can be caused by deeper emotional needs like wanting validation, connection, or excitement,” explains Boulder-based therapist Dr. Aerial Cetnar. “People with anxious attachment styles might be more vulnerable to it, especially if the person they’re fixated on is emotionally unavailable.”
As mentioned, limerence can prevent you from actually getting to know your limerent object and mire connection. But here’s another problem: The intensity of idealization could also cause a person to overlook key incompatibility issues and toxic patterns. “You make excuses for their red flags, you daydream about them nonstop, and you lose sight of your own needs or boundaries,” says Cetnar.
How to get over limerence?
To get over limerence, it’s helpful to refer to the original research. Tennov found that limerence usually ends in one of three ways: consummation, starvation, or transference. In consummation, the person experiencing limerence discovers the object of their desire has reciprocal feelings and they engage in a physical or romantic relationship. In starvation, the person experiencing limerence does not find reciprocity and experiences a great feeling of loss, which overtakes the intensity of the attraction. And, in transference, the person experiencing limerence simply transfers their desire to someone new.
Of course, you can also take matters into your own hands. “Limerence is a product of your own neurochemistry—while the other person is the trigger, the feeling originates within you, which means you have the power to change it,” says Banarsë, who recommends focusing on yourself, your work, your interests, and your other social connections instead of on the object of your affection. “You must actively disrupt the behaviors that reinforce the obsession. Stop seeking signs of reciprocation, end the idealization by consciously reminding yourself they’re an ordinary person with flaws, and interrupt the fantasy cycles.”
You can also just come clean and tell the object of your affection how you feel. If they reciprocate, amazing. And if not? “Sometimes a clear rejection provides the closure needed to move forward,” Banarsë says.
