The 2026 Winter Olympics are finally upon us, and while the sports element is all well and good (I guess I…care about hockey now?), there’s a not-small percentage of us who are really only in it for the opening ceremony, which took place on Friday. The pageantry of it all was extra-ramped-up this year, with Mariah Carey, Lang Lang, Laura Pausini, Andrea Bocelli, and The White Lotus star Sabrina Impacciatore among the performers tapped to appear. And so, without further ado, find quite literally every thought I had about the 2026 Winter Olympics opening ceremony below.
- Ugh, it’s so nice and wintry in those mountains!
- Why did I move to LA?
- Oh, right.
- This intro sequence of pasta and bees and cows and such is very cute and very Italian.
- The theme of the evening is “harmony,” apparently. Sure!
- Ooh, sparkly.
- Aren’t you glad you clicked on this post in order to find such trenchant insights as “Ooh, sparkly”?
- It is sparkly, though, and very modern-dance-meets-ballet-vibes.
- All these women with silver-dyed hair are making me wonder if I should embrace my gray.
- I admittedly did not catch this Cupid and Psyche reference, because I am a philistine, so thank God for the announcers.
- Hearing “the paparazzi” in a proper Italian accent just added 10 years to my life.
- We love a La Dolce Vita reference.
- “Who eats one spaghetto? Nobody.” You said it, king.
- These giant composer heads are scaring me, and I would wager there’s at least one crying child in the audience who shares my reservations.
- Oh, hell yeah, now we’re getting into some fab Italo disco territory.
- Okay, kind of into this colorful mess we’re seeing onstage!
- Not sure about the giant espresso pots, though…
- That’s that big espresso.
- I did not have Mariah singing “Volare” on my Olympic bingo card, but I like it.
- Remind me to tell you about when I saw Mariah in Vegas and she did the entire show from a reclining position (as she should! She’s earned it!).
- Many in the Vogue slack are wondering whether this song choice is an intentional reference to The Lizzie McGuire Movie, and I am indeed among them.
- Hey, it’s the president of Italy!
- And J.D. and Usha Vance, unfortch.
- Armani suits in italian flag colors! And Vittoria Ceretti?
- For someone who used to live in Italy, you’d be shocked at how unfamiliar I am with the Italian national anthem.
- Hey, it’s Laura Pausini!
- Serving up a diamond-encrusted cold shoulder, no less!
- Okay, I hate these semi-psychedelic suits.
- Bring out Andrea Bocelli, already!
- Honestly, I did just think this Delta ad was part of the opening ceremony.
- Okay, not to bring up The Lizzie McGuire Movie yet again, but this catwalk-by-country is kind of reminding me of when Lizzie tries on a bunch of insane outfits at that Italian atelier.
- Well, the athletes have presented themselves, and now it’s time for…
- Sabrina Impacciatore! Covered in body glitter!
- In a strange little tan-and-white bodysuit!
- I fear this is kind of giving Raygun, but I don’t hate it.
- Ooh, almost time to light the cauldrons (!).
- This is the exact bob I want.
- LOL at this Italian hand-gesture breakdown.
- Nobody can say this girlie isn’t giving it her all!
- Flags of the world!
- Held by…spacemen?
- I, too, would like to say “grazie” to the Italian people.
- Mostly for the concept of the passeggiata, but also for mozzarella di bufala.
- Okay, Duolingo!
- What did someone just scream?!?
- I love being welcomed to the damn Olympics!!!!!!
- Why is basically every athlete hot?
- To be attractive and athletically gifted…sometimes God does give with both hands.
- These knit hats look so cozy.
- This speech has…been going on for a while.
- Light the cauldrons already!
- Okay, they’re lit.
- Ah, Andrea Bocelli singing “Nessun Dorma.” Likely thing for a tenor or do!
- Love a moment for modern dance and Italian spoken-word-slash-rap (?).
- Charlize Theron?! Okay!
- Lang Lang time! And Cecilia Bartoli!
- God, this thing is long. Pagentry, pagentry, pagentry. And now: Let the Games begin!
