When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye. Contact her at DearShonVogue@gmail.com for your own chance at enlightenment.
Dear Shon,
I ve recently seen a friend of mine act in what seems to be a controlling manner toward his girlfriend, who I’m also friends with. This has involved him telling her not to do certain things (such as scratching her head), to the point at which one time when we were all hanging out, he hit her hand to get her to stop. He didn’t hit hard but still I found it disturbing and didn’t know how to react in the moment. She didn’t really react but stopped and was quiet.
Couples are weird; you can never know what’s going on as an outsider. But this felt undeniably wrong. I’m going to message her when I know she is at work (away from him) to check in if she’s okay. But I wanted to know what your advice would be in this situation and for future. I find these situations involving friends and their relationships challenging. How much should one get involved (if at all) and what’s the best way to do so?
A Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
This one is always tough. You’re listening to your gut and it’s telling you what you saw and heard was wrong. Couples are weird, but I also think warped ideas of propriety encourage us to avert our gaze or come up with dismissals when we witness obviously controlling behavior in relationships. It’s good you are not doing this! Especially as the guy in this scenario is your friend too. Like you, I have also been a witness to this kind of behavior from one person in a couple to another. I have also been the girlfriend who is scolded publicly. I once got the name of a holiday destination wrong and the tone of voice used to correct me in front of all my friends made me feel profoundly uneasy. I swept it under the carpet but it was a warning. That guy turned out to be a real piece of work.
You don’t have the full picture and you don’t know what’s happening in private, but there are things you can do to show your friend you’re someone she can talk to. She may welcome your offer of a check in, or she may bristle. If she is in a relationship dynamic where she is constantly trying to appease her boyfriend, you must not become a secondary figure she feels constantly challenged and judged by, as she is likely to shut down. No strident truth-telling, no assumptions about how she feels, no “you should leave him.” A light touch is best. Ask her open-ended questions about how things are in her relationship; you can say you notice he seems tightly wound or overbearing sometimes but no more than that. Getting her to open up may take time, and lots of returning to this gentle line of questioning. The point of asking her is not for you to play detective and eventually stage an intervention. It’s more that in talking about the reality of her own relationship out loud she may start to see certain parts of it more clearly and realize they aren’t okay for herself.
Even if she isn’t yet ready to talk, you can still help by consistently offering her the opportunity to hang out and do things together with you. You can give her time away from him, from the relationship and from the control. Become the place where she can be loved and appreciated and—importantly—be herself. This offers her the chance of comparison. One day she may well take stock of how much more relaxed and happy she feels in her friendships than her relationship, how comparably little caveats there are to affection from other people compared to her boyfriend. She will find it healing to have a place where her agency can be recovered. Be that friend: curious, compassionate, patient. Offer her the chance to step towards the better life that she wants for herself, whatever it may be.
