Imagine a relationship that’s entirely free from emotional attachment. You can say exactly how you feel without fear of retribution, as can your partner. The sex is incredible. Consistent. Reliable. And you don’t have to ever meet anyone’s friends or parents. Reintroducing the f*** buddy—the much-maligned dynamic that, ironically, might just be your healthiest relationship yet.
“We’d go on dates and hang out, but there was always this understanding we didn’t have feelings for each other,” says Bella*, 34, who was seeing her f*** buddy regularly for three years. “We existed at the exact right balance of liking each other a lot but not in that way where we wanted to be together. It’s rare that I’ve had that with someone, where I’ve fancied them enough to want to have sex but not had serious romantic feelings. It was pretty straightforward.”
I know what you’re thinking: You can’t really be friends with benefits without inevitably falling in love—at least that’s the narrative we’ve repeatedly been sold by pop culture. And maybe that used to be the case, but in 2024, something has shifted. Because while the pursuit of monogamy feels harder than ever before (just ask anyone who’s single), unconventional high-reward, low-commitment relationships seem to be thriving. That is, among those who know how to make them work.
“The sex was really good, it just all clicked,” says Frankie*, 29, who had a f*** buddy for an entire year. “We were super comfortable with each other and I just enjoyed hanging out with him so much. No topic was off-limits, and we always had fun; it was pretty much drama-free.” Now, that dynamic has transitioned into something else: a close friendship. “He came and stayed over when I found out my grandad had died,” adds Kate. “We’re both in long-term relationships now and keep in touch all the time.”
In a dating landscape that is plagued by insecurity, miscommunication, and major attachment issues, there are endless benefits to a relationship that throws convention out of the window and allows you to purely prioritize pleasure. “One of the most commonly reported benefits of a f*** buddy or friend with benefits is the freedom that many experience as a result of not being in a committed relationship,” says psychosexual therapist Kate Moyle. “More emotional independence can allow some people to engage in consensual sexual experiences and to explore [new things] with someone familiar on an ongoing basis without being preoccupied about future-thinking or the potential of ‘what might be’ in terms of a relationship.”
Of course, in order for a dynamic like this to work, both people involved have to be crystal clear about the rules, both inside and outside their own relationship. You need to establish what you’re comfortable with when it comes to each other’s wider dating life, as well as setting any boundaries necessary to prevent building up too much of an emotional connection. This could range from no date nights to no daytime communication to no sexless sleepovers. “Communication was essential,” says Bella. “We would talk about people we were dating and would often move between friends and friends with benefits depending on whether we were with someone [else] or not… I had this boundary where I didn’t want him shagging around with my friends. I didn’t care who he was shagging, I just felt like I didn’t want it to be anyone I knew or was close to.”
Of course, this doesn’t always work out. “He did end up going on a date with someone I knew behind my back,” adds Bella. “Both of them lied about it, so I wound up having a go at him over text and he left the date. We got past it just by talking about our feelings.”
Talking constantly was also key for Frankie. “We checked in regularly and spoke about it but neither of us ever thought about making it a relationship because we didn’t feel that way about one another,” she says. “We contemplated not doing it in case things got complicated, but admitted that the sex was too good so just carried on.”
Then there are the unfortunate scenarios when, despite everyone’s best efforts, one person does start to develop a romantic attachment. “When I was in my early 20s, I was having a f***-buddy fling with someone who was very clearly interested in something more serious than I was at the time,” says Georgie*, 30. “Eventually I slowly began to back off without explaining why. I didn’t handle that situation as well as I would now. Our friendship has never been quite the same since.”
Still, recognizing when the situation is no longer serving you and getting out then and there is crucial. “Many f*** buddy scenarios go on for longer than they should,” says Moyle. “It’s not helped by the fact that we see the ‘friends with benefits that become a big love story’ storyline represented in films and series [so often], meaning our points of comparison are often skewed.”
With this in mind, perhaps the most important component of taking on a f*** buddy is self-awareness. It’s vital to be realistic about what it is you’re looking for, and what you’re emotionally able to handle in a casual sex dynamic. If you’re unsure, there are a few questions to ask yourself. “Think about how you might feel if they mention other partners or dates,” suggests counselor Georgina Sturmer. “If this triggers a moment of jealousy, then that’s a sure sign that you’re not quite comfortable.”
In short, it’s all about employing honesty and maturity, and from every angle you can think of. “A f***-buddy relationship is never going to work if you aren’t open with one another,” reiterates Bella. This can mean letting go of conventions we’re told to bring to monogamous relationships. “Playing it cool won’t fly,” she adds, “but if you have really good communication with one another, there’s no reason why it can’t work out. There just can’t be anything hidden.”
*Names have been changed