When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye. Contact her at DearShonVogue@gmail.com for your own chance at enlightenment.
Dear Shon,
I’m a lesbian who’s just turned 30, and I’m finding myself at a crossroads with dating. After a difficult dating history in my 20s and a lot of therapy and investment in myself, I want to meet someone and enter into a happy, healthy, monogamous relationship. The trouble is, I’m having difficulty finding it. I’ve found the apps to be excruciating—flimsy, noncommittal, and at times feels humiliating. I have bared my soul and been open to new people, only to be told they’re holding out for something better or have met someone else.
But more than anything else, I’m finding myself stuck between the world of monogamy and polyamory. Ultimately I think I’m monogamous, yet I can’t seems to find a monogamous person who aligns with my ethics, values, and what I long for in life. Often it transpires that they want children (I don’t), wish to live in the suburbs away from queer community (I do not), or they have no interest in queerness and politics.
By contrast, the polyamorous people I meet share my left-wing views and outlook on the world. I deeply cared for the polyamorous person I once dated, but I know in my heart of hearts that I’m not wired that way. My heart cannot take it.
What can be done? Is this normal? Am I just a self-hating secret ethical non-monogamy (ENM) person? Or am I a pompous monogamous person with standards above her station? Please help!
Yours,
Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Dear Between a Rock and a Hard Place,
I have been answering people’s dilemmas for over a year now and was waiting for this moment. Non-monogamy is still a fringe practice in society as a whole, and people in non-monogamous relationships report a high degree of stigma and discrimination. For example, I have queer and trans friends who say that their families’ attitudes about them having multiple partners or open relationships were far more negative and hurtful than the response to their sexuality or trans status alone. In most countries, the law will not recognize participation in more than one romantic relationship, and polyamorous people are discriminated against in policy areas like adoption and legal parenthood. So it is important to acknowledge that openly engaging in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is by no means a normative or easy path to take.
That said, for many of us younger queer and trans people living in large cities with a dense LGBTQ+ population, ethical non-monogamy is suddenly a new norm, facilitated by apps that make multiple connections easier than ever. I would say that half of my friends are non-monogamous. Give it five years and, in my social circles at least, the monogamous people will probably be in the minority. It sounds like you experienced a similar realization and now feel panic because you feel like you can’t be anything other than monogamous. I want to let you know that it is okay if polyamory isn’t for you. It doesn’t mean that you’re unenlightened or less evolved. Having multiple healthy intimate relationships is hard work! There are also thousands of acceptable reasons for why you may not feel comfortable or secure in a relationship that is not sexually and romantically exclusive. Or why you can’t will yourself into ENM simply by reading books about the topic. It sounds like you’re taking your anxiety about the recent dating disappointments you’ve had and pouring them into reproaching yourself for your own desires.
The truth is that all relationships, whether monogamous or not, are made up of people. Which means that the quality of the relationship is dependent on the intentions and behavior of all parties. Monogamy certainly doesn’t equate to commitment or loyalty, as we have been taught. Infidelity and deception are rife in monogamous relationships across society. Polyamorous people aren’t off the hook either. I’ve observed plenty of unhealed and uncool behavior in open and polyamorous relationships. Simply calling your practice of non-monogamy “ethical” doesn’t make it so. Partners can try their best to be ethical and still hurt you due to mismatched communication styles, values or expectations. No relationship is ever risk free.
One day you may become less attached to monogamy—any of us can change over time—but I have a suspicion that, if it were to happen, it wouldn’t be as a result of attending a workshop. We tend to grow and shift in response to specific, tangible relationships rather than ideas or hypotheticals. For now, you are clear you want a monogamous relationship, so it’s a case of waiting until a person who is open to monogamy and who shares your values comes into your life. As ever with dating, there’s a huge element of luck about whether this will happen and, if so, when. Technology has made us think that finding a partner is a goal we can realize by putting in more time on the admin of apps, and texts, and dates. It’s so hard to accept that, even if you do this, a substantial connection mostly happens by chance. Being clear about your values and your bottom lines in dating can be hard if you see the potential pool of partners shrinking as a result, but in the long-term, the clarity gives you a better chance of meeting someone who truly shares them. The upside of monogamy? You only need to find one.
