Traditionally, long-distance relationships are defined by several factors. Excellent communication skills (ideally). Intermittent existential crises (realistically). And phone sex (necessarily). Or, in these camera-omnipotent times, FaceTime sex—hopefully, lots of it.
It was not in the least bit surprising, then, that the practice was most recently endorsed by newly minted long-distance relationship poster child Carrie Bradshaw. Famously down with the kids, on the latest season of And Just Like That… our favorite sex columnist-turned-aspiring novelist is seen trying to get it digitally on with her lover from afar, who, by the way, is none other than Aidan Shaw (still reeling from that, to be honest).
With Aidan’s family issues binding him to Virginia and Carrie’s general Carrie-ness keeping her in Manhattan, it’s only natural that the couple would find themselves connecting over the phone. Things start off relatively horny: he’s in his truck, parked away from the main house. She’s in bed, wearing a black bra and an open shirt. Then Aidan accidentally hits the horn of his car, shaking Carrie out of her seductive stupor. Still, he is able to finish. She, meanwhile, is distracted by her cat, Shoe, who is watching intently. “My goodness,” she mutters, nonchalantly (that’s her, doing phone sex). Later, over cocktails, Carrie admits that she faked it. “And now I feel dishonest,” she says, not remotely comforted by Miranda’s admission that she has faked real sex.
Most women have faked it in real life at least once, something we are thankfully talking about more and more. But perhaps we aren’t talking enough about the fact that we’re also faking it in other ways, too. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve pretended to sext someone, sending dirty messages in between seasoning my dinner or balancing my laundry on the radiator. This is common, with one study of 155 college students showing that nearly half of so-called “active sexters” had lied to committed partners during sexting, with women found to lie more than men. Classic.
Of course, in some ways it can be harder to lie over the phone than in person, when you’re less distracted. It requires a degree of acting skills that arguably need to be of a higher standard: making the right sounds, responding to the right cues, and saying all the right prompts, even if you’re standing in the kitchen at 7 a.m., trying not to burn your oatmeal. You can do it while you’re answering emails. Doing a spot of gardening. Filing your tax return. In a way, the opportunities are truly endless. Perhaps that’s why it’s so common.
“I once verbally dominated a trainee monk over the phone,” one friend tells me. “I was walking to work in sneakers. He thought I was in my bedroom wearing six-inch stilettos.” The reason for the phone sex was, as usual, down to logistics. “He was on quite a strict schedule (seven church services a day), so we had to fit it around that and also make sure he could hide and not be overheard by the other monks. So that day, the only time available was when I was walking to work. We’re comfortable enough with one another that I felt fine about saying, ‘twist your nipple clamps hard for me,’ in public, but having to fake my orgasm at a rural bus stop was a little more awkward. Luckily, it was quiet.”
In moments like this, I can imagine there’d be almost a thrill to faking phone sex, like it gives you a degree of control and supremacy you probably wouldn’t get in real life. But that’s not always the way, with some fake phone sexers feeling riddled by guilt. “I did it once with my lovely boyfriend when he was in Japan,” one friend tells me. “I felt so guilty but I just knew there was no way I was going to finish. And I felt like he really needed to… so I just pretended. I still feel bad about it.”
Broken down, the reasons for faking it over the phone aren’t too dissimilar to those for faking it IRL. Naomi Magnus, psychotherapist and founder at North London Therapy, puts it down to a few factors: “Perceived high expectations of heightened intimacy, performance anxiety, or a fear of disappointing their partner, and unrealistic cultural portrayals of sexual or romantic encounters.”
Perhaps one of the key differences, though, is that for those in long-distance relationships, engaging in regular phone sex might be considered a key moment for them to connect with each other. In many cases, phone sex might be their only opportunity for sexual intimacy; the stakes are higher. Hence why faking it repeatedly can be so damaging for a relationship—it introduces an element of deceit.
“It can cause long-term discrepancies between internal feelings and outward expressions,” explains Magnus. “This can lead to emotional detachment and diminished self-esteem. It’s also likely that each partner will feel isolated in different ways, as one person is not behaving genuinely, and the other may consciously or subconsciously detect insincerity. If fake intimacy continues throughout the relationship, the couple could experience a breakdown in communication, which could rock the stability of the whole relationship.”
As for how to break out of it, the first step is to try and communicate openly with your partner, explaining why you felt pressured to fake it in the first place. “Try to express your feelings gently, letting your partner know that their desires are not necessarily aligning with their performance expectations,” suggests Magnus. “When done correctly, open communication will ensure that emotional and physical boundaries are well respected within the relationship.”
I should add that Carrie does go down this route, fessing up to Aidan at the end of the episode and trying to go again. Things are looking good until Aidan reveals he’s in bed next to his teenage son. That’s that, then.