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When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye. Contact her at DearShonVogue@gmail.com for your own chance at enlightenment.
Dear Shon,
I have several sexual relationships, but my most pleasurable, exciting, and romantic one is with a non-monogamous married man. I worry that this intensity is eating into my capacity to make other connections.
I yearn for him constantly. His (monthly) presence and attention is very grounding. I don’t experience this rollercoaster with other sexual partners.
I have to stop myself from buying him gifts. I think about him first thing in the morning. I’ve cried from the loneliness and I hide my heartache from him. We’ve been having sex for two years. He loves me, but I’m crazy about him. The asymmetry is obvious. Is it tragic?
I feel myself meeting new people to pass the time between dates with him. I’m chatting disingenuously to people on the apps. I’m plucking up the courage to offer hot baristas my number, only to have uninspiring text exchanges. I’m making out with emotionally unavailable people at the vegan gastro pub.
I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I’m ready to love someone who can receive me, I think, but I can’t seem to meet other hearts that are open to mine and I gotta wonder if it’s my bad.
Sex isn’t enough anymore! I want to be loved! And I am, but I’m still lonely! Will anything ever be enough?! I’m losing sleep. What should I do?
Lovestruck Slut
Dear Lovestruck Slut,
I finished your letter wondering if you are a writer already or have ever considered it as a career? Not only do you have a way with words, you paint such a vivid picture of your longing for this man and the strife it causes you. I get the impression you’re a person who may easily live in their imagination, as the best writers often do. If that is the case, then I have news for you—unavailable men are catnip for people like us. Married men, busy men with big careers, men who live far away, men with addictions, men who are commitment-averse. It’s easy to build a whole romantic story around the brief glimpses you get of their potential and to let their frequent absence fuel an intense longing that is mistaken for deep love.
If you read back over your letter, you may notice your focus is very much on how you feel but you actually don’t provide many examples of what this particular man does to evoke your feelings or examples of the behavior he shows toward you that demonstrates he “loves” you. Perhaps he does show up for you consistently, supports you with tangible actions when you’re down and appreciates you in your biggest flaws. Or maybe it’s just that you have a strong sexual connection and he’s good with big gestures of affection and adoration on your sporadic dates? If you feel constantly excited, flattered and like you’re living inside a movie around someone that is less a sign of long-term compatibility (which is usually a little bit more boring) and more that you’re living inside a fantasy. Why is this man so special to you compared to your other lovers and dates: Is it about his actual qualities, or is he just a better canvas for your own designs?
I’m asking you these hard questions because you need to decide what you do to move on from this infatuation. This man is married and he and his spouse have discussed their open relationship. This means he is committed to that relationship. He is not going to leave it. There’s no future for you with him. More of the same is all that’s on offer. I’m sorry but there it is. Continuing to see him will add fuel to the fire. You’re going to be tempted to make excuses to keep him around because parts of the fantasy are comforting. But the only way you are going to be able to begin to move on is to have space from this particular man. Which means stopping seeing him completely as well as texting, calling, and other intimacies. If he actually loves you he will understand and respect your decision. It’ll be hard at first but try to see the painful early weeks of detaching from this intrigue as an investment in yourself and your own emotional future.
This is going to be painful, so be gentle with yourself. Talk about it with trusted friends, don’t isolate yourself. Be patient—launching right into dating before you’ve processed the loss of the hope you had placed in this person may be more painful. Try to be grateful for this connection and what it has taught you—it s shown you that you want more than sex and part-time romance. It served you for a time and now you want something deeper. With space for reflection, you’ll have a better perspective on what qualities about this man appealed to you and be better placed to recognize them in others, including the new people who you have yet to meet, some of whom just might have the time and energy to truly meet you where you are.
