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Public break-ups have been filling our social media feeds in recent days. Some of these high-profile splits appear amicable, announced via carefully worded joint Instagram statements à la Maya Jama and Stormzy. Others appear… less so. Like the public statement from Sheikha Mahra Bint Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, the daughter of the ruler of Dubai, who posted the following on Instagram: “Dear Husband, As you are occupied with other companions, I hereby declare our divorce. I divorce you, I divorce you, and I Divorce you. Take care. Your ex-wife.”
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The Sheikha isn’t alone in choosing to publicly call out her partner. TikTok star Madeline Argy recently posted a series of videos about how her on-again, off-again boyfriend, rapper Central Cee, has likely cheated on her with singer Ice Spice. In them, Argy goes into detail about how she initially thought the rumors around the two performers were just part of a big marketing ploy to promote a joint record, but now believes she was duped. The jury is still out on whether Argy is actually part of a marketing plan herself—to be honest, we’re still confused.
And that’s the thing: Most break-ups are confusing, and messy… so is there ever a way to have a healthy break-up? Maya and Stormzy’s heartfelt joint message to fans (“we tried and it didn’t work, and that’s okay”), could be read as 2024’s very British answer to Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s infamous conscious uncoupling of a decade ago. “We still think the absolute world of each other,” they said. “We are still friends and will always be friends.”
According to Susanna Abse, a couples psychotherapist and the author of Tell Me the Truth About Love, the likelihood of having a respectful break-up often depends on how—and why—the split has come about. “There are times where there’s a betrayal, usually an affair, and the whole thing goes pop very quickly,” she says. “There isn’t time for reflection, discussion, or an attempt at therapy, there is just an explosion. You sometimes see that with celebrities, they break up very quickly, and they either have second thoughts and get back together, or the anger that has been generated by the betrayal is so huge… rarely in that situation is there what you might call a ‘civilized’ break-up.”
Even without a betrayal on one side or the other (or both), a healthy break-up can still be tricky. “There are couples whose relationship has been difficult for a while—maybe they’ve argued for years and they’ve gradually ground down the good feelings between them,” says Abse. “The circular arguments are an attempt to change things: If only you could see how I feel, understand what I meant, we could be happy again. But then somebody actually says, ‘No more,’ which can happen at any time. It can be a really visceral feeling, that you can’t bear to be with that person anymore, and that makes it very difficult to be nice and work things out.”
Which is not to say that it can’t be done. Here, Abse explores how to approach a break-up in a respectful way.
So, what can be done to make things more amicable?
“You have to shift from anger to sadness,” explains Abse. “You have to enter a mourning process. Both partners have to be able to say: ‘I loved you once, you were my best friend, but it’s over, we haven’t got anything left. Let’s be kind to each other, and let’s let go.’ That requires a level of emotional maturity many of us don’t have in the face of loss—instead, we tend to protest and rage. Those processes of allowing yourself to become sad and to mourn are something we generally resist—if we can do it, it makes a huge difference.”
What’s the right way to tell someone you want to split up?
“I think it’s incredibly difficult to open that conversation up, and some people would rather act up, maybe have an affair as a route out, but that doesn’t allow for the mutual mourning,” says Abse, who points out that if only one of you, rather than both, is contemplating leaving, trying couples therapy in the first instance could be a good idea. “Tell them: ‘I think we aren’t as good as we used to be, and we’re not as happy as we were. I’d like us to go and talk to someone.’” Abse suggests that if nothing improves, the therapist’s office can actually be a good place to decide to split. “After a few sessions, you can say: ‘I don’t think I want to go on with this.’ And that shared mourning and shared narrative can be an incredibly moving thing between a couple.”
What should couples try to avoid?
Revenge (“It just means you’re still engaged with the other person”) and “extremely prolonged, ugly divorces,” says Abse, who adds that when break-ups drag on it’s because “the couple have never done the work of separation and mourning.” She adds: “What they’ve done is continue to stay connected to each other, to argue and to fight over everything. You never stop thinking about your partner. They’re in your mind every day in this hateful way.”
What’s the main thing to remember?
Abse says accepting that there will be losses and costs when you break up with someone can help to make the split smoother—especially in cases of divorce, and where children are involved. “I’m not saying that people should just allow themselves to be taken advantage of, but you really have to think: What is the cost to you personally of fighting? What is the cost of that fight to your children? Children recover from divorces where parents are able to consciously uncouple and mourn.” Abse adds: “You can fantasize that you can somehow avoid losses, and get your lawyer to fight every which way, but it won’t change anything. You will still have to accept losses. You can’t take aim at your partner without shrapnel hitting your children, and yourself. You have to put all your energy into trying to find mediated solutions.”
Abse talks of mutual friendships as another cost. “Friends usually devolve into their primary loyalty to one partner or another. You have to accept that you’re unlikely to be invited to dinner at X’s house [in the future].”
If a celebrity-style social media announcement is not on the cards, when is the best time to tell friends and family about the split?
Do this when you have a mutually agreed path forwards. “Although you may have one or two confidants who know what’s going on, telling wider friends and family probably needs to come when the couple have worked something out sufficiently, when they know that X is going to move out on this date, or has moved out, or when you’ve done a little bit of work together on the nature of what’s happening,” says Abse.
And what happens after the split?
“Gather the people who love you close. That’s all that you can do,” says Abse. “Try not to escape feelings in ways that end up being destructive for you—like sleeping with too many people or drinking too much. Try to stay with the fact that it is a shit time, and it’s going to take time to recover.”
What if you struggle to be nice to your ex?
While Abse emphasizes that respecting one another is key to a conscious uncoupling, it doesn’t mean that you have to be overly preoccupied with your partner’s feelings. “If your partner is parenting your children, you want to make sure that you don’t make their life more of a misery. I don’t think it’s your job, on the whole, to look after your former partner’s feelings—but it may be your job to not make them feel worse.”
Venting about your ex isn’t a no-no, either. “I think there’s a big difference between talking to your best friend about your ex-partner and getting something off your chest, and telling the whole world,” says Abse. “There’s something about a respectful boundary around yourself and around your relationship that you should remind yourself of, but we also all need somebody to vent to and to complain to.”
Should you attempt to say in touch, or cut contact?
This depends on the couple in question, Abse says. But do “accept if your partner doesn’t want to keep in touch. That, again, may be painful, but that’s another part of facing loss. When you stop being a couple, you don’t get to say anymore what your partner should or shouldn’t do,” she says.
And should you find yourself wanting to get back together? “I would say, remember what the relationship was like before you do something,” cautions Abse. “It’s easy to get into rose-colored lenses—don’t forget that, actually, the relationship made you unhappy.” The important thing is to take your time. “You need a period of reflection before you jump straight back in.”