From the moment you meet, you feel as though you’ve known them before. There’s an instant connection, almost as if you’ve been drawn together by an invisible force. It’s intoxicating, addictive, and all-consuming. You wonder: Is this person my soulmate? My one true love? My twin flame?
Then, suddenly, the dynamic begins to change. What goes up must come down, and the initial magic begins to fade. The arguments increase. Reconciliations are attempted, but progress isn’t made. The pattern repeats in an endless cycle that leaves you exhausted, confused, and heartbroken.
This type of relationship is what many in the New Age and metaphysical communities call a karmic relationship. These relationships are usually marked by an impossibly strong initial attraction that feels fated, but eventually becomes difficult, volatile, or—at the very least—profoundly confusing.
“When we see or experience a relationship that is intense and filled with drama, many of us will mistakenly call this love—but it’s not,” spiritual life coach Christina Lopes explains in her podcast on the subject. “Most likely, this kind of relationship is what’s known as a karmic relationship, and here’s the honest truth about them: You don’t want to stick around these relationships too long.”
But what is a karmic relationship, and are they always really that bad? Here’s everything you need to know about karmic relationships, according to psychologists and spiritual experts.
The law of karma
Though the term karmic relationship is not officially used in psychotherapy or even religion, it does have ancient spiritual roots. As you may have guessed, the term is derived from the concept of karma in Eastern religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism.
Simply put, karma is the belief that actions and behaviors have consequences—and in some Eastern religions, it is believed that those consequences will impact you not only in this life, but also in the next. Therefore, many believe that a karmic relationship is the manifestation of unfinished business from a past life—two souls who meet again to bring closure to what was previously left undone. Others believe a karmic relationship is simply about reaping what we’ve sowed. Either way, “it’s about the law of action and reaction,” explains Priscila Lima de Charbonnieres, astrologer, author, life coach, and founder of the app Soulloop. “For every action, we attract a compatible reaction, whether positive or negative.”
What is a karmic relationship?
That said, there is no precise definition of a karmic relationship—the term only became popular during the last few decades and can’t be traced to a single source. Not everyone who uses the term agrees on the precise meaning—or that all karmic relationships are even necessarily “bad.” In fact, many experts say that every relationship we have could be considered karmic. “No one enters our life by chance,” Lima de Charbonnieres says. “We attract people with compatible and complementary frequencies into our energy field. Karmic relationships are a result of the law of attraction—and every relationship has karmic elements at different levels.”
Lessons learned
Most people who use the term, however, do agree on one thing: Karmic relationships are meant to help us grow. “The person you’ve attracted is there to help you work through a specific lesson in this lifetime,” tarot reader Angie Banicki says. “You’ve found each other easily in this lifetime because there is a lesson playing out.”
If that sounds too far-out, consider this: Psychologists say that most of the difficulties we experience in relationships stem from unhealed past wounds—and, most of the time, we are attracted to partners who subconsciously activate these wounds.
“The idea of ‘unfinished business’ from past lives is true psychologically because the past very much lives in the present,” explains psychotherapist Steven Floyd, who has studied Buddhism and often incorporates its teachings into his therapeutic work with couples. “Our early attachment experiences set the stage for our future connections.”
To that end, he says that our childhoods are the first “past life” we should strive to understand, and that the challenges we face in our adult relationships are often an important catalyst for doing just that. “We enter relationships recognizing, on a deep level, that our partner holds the key to our growth,” he says.
Karmic or toxic?
Of course, growth is never easy—and, sometimes, it can be hard to distinguish between normal relationship challenges and an unhealthy dynamic. “A karmic relationship can be very similar to a toxic or dysfunctional relationship,” says Dr. Candice Cooper-Lovett, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “They’re similar in that there are very high highs and very low lows.”
Many of the other red flags match, too. “Karmic connections feel both magnetic and volatile; people are often breaking up and making up again and again,” says Atina Manvelian, PhD, assistant professor of Counseling Psychology at Santa Clara University. “Another signal may be feeling addicted to the cycles of passion and drama that play out. These relationships feel like rollercoasters, characterized by repetitive patterns and emotional cycles, which makes them difficult to leave.”
To make matters more blurry, a person may have trouble leaving a cycle of toxicity precisely because they believe that their relationship is destined or written in the stars. “Karmic relationships can be difficult to let go of because of the intense, natural chemistry and the feeling that a past life keeps you connected to the other,” says Cooper-Lovett.
Shifting patterns
With that in mind, most experts recommend considering how the relationship makes you feel rather than categorizing it one way or the other. Ask yourself these questions: Are you thriving in this relationship or only barely surviving? Are you learning or feeling burnt out? Are you and your partner each willing to evolve?
“The real differentiator is that a karmic relationship is typically seen as a vehicle for growth and learning, even if it is painful to go through the stages,” says psychotherapist Ken Fierheller. “A toxic relationship is characterized by harmful behaviors like manipulation, control, or abuse with no intention or capability of positive growth. The purpose of a karmic relationship, on a more spiritual and theoretical level, is to teach both partners important lessons—often about self-worth, boundaries, or unresolved emotional wounds.”
In other words, a karmic relationship usually only becomes dysfunctional if you and your partner fail to recognize your unhealthy patterns and avoid taking the necessary steps to address and end them together. “Conflict in a relationship is an opportunity to grow in areas where we are underdeveloped,” Floyd explains. “But this growth can only happen if both partners are conscious in their relationship. Otherwise, we are in a constant state of bombardment. A healthy relationship is not conflict-free, but conflict-attentive. It’s based on safety, mutual respect, and the grace to recognize that our partners are acting in ways that make sense to them, rather than out of malicious intent.”
To stay or to go
These factors are integral for any relationship to thrive, whether you consider it a karmic connection or not. “Navigating relationships takes a lot of soul-searching, inquiry, and spiritual and psychological growth,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Kim Burris, founder of the Holistic Counseling Center.
However, if you feel like you are the only one putting in the work, that could mean the relationship has run its course. “One of the hardest parts of a relationship is the realization that the person who helped unearth our deep wounds is not always the person who will help us heal them,” Burris offers.
A hard realization, for sure—but here’s another thing that most karmic relationship experts agree on: Deciding to end a relationship that’s no longer working doesn’t mean it was a failure, or even “bad.” Learning when to walk away could actually be the whole point. “Leaving a karmic relationship can be a transformative process or a lesson in itself,” says licensed mental health counselor Nathalie Rosado. “It can provide healing and personal growth all on its own.”
Learning to transform our unhealthy patterns truly is the key. To do that, we must take accountability for ourselves: “The best way to heal is to take responsibility for attracting and cocreating our reality,” Lima de Charbonnieres explains. “By assuming responsibility, we take on the power to transcend our relationship patterns. Simply ending the relationship without transforming ourselves will only lead us to attract another situation or relationship with the same pattern.”
The very definition of being stuck in a karmic loop! In order to avoid that—a.k.a. “clear our karma,” heal our wounds, and shift our patterns—we must also learn to give ourselves what Cooper-Lovett calls “unconditional love and respect, first and foremost.”
Burris puts it this way: “Sometimes, the bravest thing we can do for ourselves is to say ‘no more’ and leave a relationship that is no longer serving us. It can be a seemingly impossible task, but it also comes with the gift of deepening the most important relationship of all in this lifetime: the one we have with ourselves.”
