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When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye. Contact her at DearShonVogue@gmail.com for your own chance at enlightenment.
Dear Shon,
Last week, my closest childhood friend phoned me in tears out of the blue. After multiple attempts to get the words out, she said, “He’s breaking up with me.” She explained that her fiancé had told her that he did not love her anymore nor fully trust her. (To my knowledge, she has never been unfaithful.)
She went on to explain how the past few weeks had been hard on them, that they had not been communicating, and that he wasn’t sure he wanted to marry her anymore because of his lack of “trust and respect” toward her.
A couple of days after we spoke, she told him how much she loved him, brought lunch to his workplace, cooked him dinner, and even dressed up for him when he got home. According to her, after that day, he told her that he did in fact love her and want to marry her after all. They are now “back on track” and will be going ahead with the wedding as planned (although thankfully he has agreed to a couple of therapy sessions).
I am happy that they have seemingly resolved some of their sticking points (e.g., her going out too much—eye roll), and she has reassured me not to worry. But I feel uneasy about how quickly they seem to have brushed over what happened just a few days earlier, when he told her he did not love her.
I advised her to delay the wedding, commit to months of couples therapy, and take a breather. I told her he is exhibiting a lot of red flags, but she disagrees with this and blames herself.
I feel uncomfortable about this wedding (and my own role as a bridesmaid) in light of everything that has happened. Part of me also feels as if it is too late. Should I say something? What can I do?
Yours,
A confused bridesmaid
Dear Confused Bridesmaid,
The Serenity Prayer, made famous by various 12-step addiction-recovery programs, asks the divine to grant us acceptance of things we cannot change, courage to change what we can, and—crucially—the wisdom to know the difference. While there’s no need to pray, I do suggest that this might be a useful framework for you to apply to your friend’s impending marriage. What can you actually change, and what must you accept? As a friend and bridesmaid, your role here is to be a support to your friend and act in a way that has her best interests at heart. Most of the time, this means being diplomatic and holding your tongue. Yet sometimes, in all friendships, integrity demands that we tell a friend, kindly, something she doesn’t want to hear.
The thing is you already have. You said to have a breather, do therapy, slow down. This marriage may indeed be ill-advised, naive, and reckless, but it’s her right to do it anyway. She’s an adult. You’ve told her your misgivings—clearly, from the sounds of it —and given her your suggestions. She’s free to ignore them, but you’ve discharged your responsibility to be honest. I would share your concerns about this relationship, but—and I must stress this—if you push too hard or refuse to be her bridesmaid, you will drive her away. You will send her the strong message that your friendship with her is conditional on your approval of all her choices. That sounds awfully similar to what her fiancé is doing, doesn’t it?
If she continues to talk about the groom’s hot-and-cold behavior with you or if he repeats the breakup threats to exert further control, you can be there for her and give her a place to open up, without judgment. There will probably be future opportunities to support her to think critically about whether this relationship and the forthcoming marriage is making her content and happy or stressed and anxious. Open-ended questions can be helpful here. “How does it make you feel when he says that?” and “What do you want that would make you feel secure in the relationship?” are examples that encourage reflection rather than defensiveness: You can tell her he is showing red flags, but helping her to see for herself what the dangers are will be much more powerful. Be patient.
If she is adamant about the wedding, then you need to accept this is something you cannot change, and your job as a friend is to accept it and be there for her. Put that dress on, grin and bear it, and be polite and gracious on her wedding day. Odds are she will come to you further down the line, but you’ve kept the friendship, acted with integrity, and ultimately demonstrated you will be there for her. Like so many women, your friend is getting married because of what the romantic ideal of marriage promises us: someone to be there to love us unconditionally—a potent idea, despite modern divorce rates. Your friend may sadly have not found this stability and care with a spouse. But you have the chance to show her she has found it with a friend.
