I m not what one might call “gifted” in the domestic arts sphere. I’m a good cook and a decent baker, but I cannot clean properly, I’m useless at organizing, and when I was recently tasked with arranging flowers on the chuppah at my friend’s wedding, I did such a bad job that her mom very politely suggested I “maybe go see if the groomsmen need anything instead.” (Twist my arm!) I’ve always wanted to be crafty, but it didn’t occur to me to actually try until I watched With Love, Meghan on Netflix—and witnessed the obvious pleasure that Meghan Markle finds in these skills.
Most of With Love, Meghan’s step-by-step how-tos focus on food preparation, but when I came across a segment that promised to help me make my own Epsom salts, I was sold. How hard could making salt possibly be? Was it possible that creating my own bath soak would turn me into the kind of gorgeously dewy, apron-clad homemaker who never panic buys terrible gifts at the airport for Christmas, because she’s already come prepared with her very own set of bow-adorned seasonal jams? Without further ado, I present to you Emma Specter’s guide to With Love, Meghan’s guide to Epsom salt making:
Step 1: Gather your ingredients.
Step 2: Puzzle at the fact that one of the ingredients is Epsom salts, when we’re…supposed to be making Epsom salts. Granted, I’m making a jazzed-up version, but isn’t this kind of like buying premade lasagna as an “ingredient” for making lasagna?
Step 3: Realize you do not have any of the other ingredients on hand except for sea salt, which you are loath to use for soaking purposes because it’s expensive—but needs must!
Step 4: Run out quickly for arnica and lavender essential oils (also known as a “typical L.A. errand”).
Step 5: Realize the store only has what appear to be industrial quantities of arnica oil.
Step 6: Be lightly condescended to by an extremely Moon Juiced-out “spiritual necessities” store employee who can’t believe you would ever want less arnica oil.
Step 6: Angrily buy the huge thing of arnica oil while Googling “arnica oil in food?? how to use…” (Apparently it s good for bruises? The more you know!)
Step 7: Come home and prepare to mix the salts with the oils in what appears to be a clean bowl.
Step 8: Realize the bowl is, in fact, not clean.
Step 9: Despair of your potential future homemaking career while you run the dishwasher.
Step 10: Actually mix the salts with the oils.
Step 11: Feel weird about the texture. Is it supposed to be like… chunky sand?
Step 12: Throw in some rose petals at the last minute to improve the concoction’s appearance.
Step 13: Belatedly realize you were supposed to “place the rose petals in silk bags and set them aside” before mixing them into the salt-oil concoction.
Step 14: Wonder what glorious species of woman just has tiny silk bags lying around, then realize it s probably Meghan, Duchess of Sussex.
Step 15: Jar your bath salts (or, in my case, Tupperware them.)
Step 15: Label the Tupperware with its contents and date, feeling ever-so-briefly and beautifully like a smug Instagram tradwife.
Step 16: Contemplate converting to Mormon MomTok-ism in order to feel this accomplished and crafty all the time, then realize you don’t like soda enough.
Step 17: Dump the bath salts into a steaming-hot tub and soak in the fruits of your labor.
Step 18: Emerge from the bath glowing and relaxed, only to realize that you spilled some arnica oil on the floor that your dog may or may not have licked up.
Step 20: Google “did i accidentally poison my dog help” for the second time in a month.
Step 20: File your story to your editor while trying not to think about the ungodly amount of money your parents spent to educate you so that you could essentially author a 20-step guide to taking a nicer-than-average bath and call it a day’s work.
