At first, his relationship with Claire seemed innocent enough. They were old friends—longtime colleagues, in fact. Plus, she was married and we were happy. Or, so I thought.
Then, she got divorced and started texting him nonstop. We’d be at dinner or at home and, like clockwork, his phone would buzz. “Sorry,” he’d mumble, tilting his phone towards his chest. “It’s Claire. She’s going through a lot.”
Within a few months, he began to seem distant. He was always on his phone; always leaving the room “to talk.” When I would accompany him to work events, Claire was never far away from us. “I need some advice,” she’d say, pulling on his arm.
It got annoying. Every time his phone would ring, my temperature would rise. Then I caught him lying about seeing her—twice. When I confronted him, he’d just shrug it off. “We’re friends,” he’d say, rolling his eyes. Sometimes he’d get flustered: “Maybe you’re the one who’s interested in someone else.”
By then, my trust had completely evaporated—the whole situation was just too much. Needless to say, we didn’t last long. I’ll never know what truly happened between them, but I later heard they started dating a few months after we’d broken up.
What is emotional cheating?
That’s the thing about emotional cheating—it is often difficult to prove. It usually starts off slowly and creeps in like a cloud. It doesn’t come with hotel bills or receipts for gifts; its evidence is more visceral than tangible.
Still, “Emotional cheating can be just as devastating as physical infidelity—sometimes even more,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Claudia Giolitti-Wright. “It creates emotional distance and leaves the betrayed partner feeling replaced or inadequate.”
This is because, unlike a one-night stand or a drunken tryst, emotional cheating revolves around the deeper facets of intimacy—the truly personal ones. It’s the kind of intimacy that comes from the sharing of thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and time; the kind that’s born in the divulging of secrets, the trading of stories, the giving of advice.
This kind of intimacy is like a house of cards. Its layers are fragile and built with connection, care, and trust—which is precisely why, when you suspect your partner of building it with someone else, it can hurt so much.
What are the signs of emotional cheating?
Emotional cheating is defined by behaviors that “erode trust and divert emotional energy,” explains licensed clinical social worker and trauma therapist Malka Shaw. “It occurs when one partner forms an intimate emotional connection with someone outside the relationship in a way that is characterized by secrecy and blurred boundaries.”
This can manifest in a multitude of ways—and only you and your partner know which actions violate your spoken or implicit relationship codes. One person’s boundary may be another person’s blurred line; one couple’s definition of flirting may be another’s casual palling around.
Unlike a purely platonic friendship, however, “emotional cheating usually involves emotional investment and an increasing sense of attachment,” Giolitti-Wright says. “A good litmus test is this: If you’d feel uncomfortable with your partner knowing about the conversations, messages, or level of emotional reliance, there’s likely a breach of trust.”
Here are some other common signs of emotional cheating:
- A shift in emotional availability—your partner seems more distant, distracted, or shut-down.
- Increased secrecy around text messages, social media, or phone calls.
- Your partner compares you negatively to someone else.
- Your partner justifies closeness with a “friend” while downplaying your concerns.
- Your partner seeks emotional validation from someone outside the relationship.
- Your partner gets defensive when asked about their connection with someone else.
- Your partner spends excessive time, money, and emotional energy on someone else while withdrawing emotionally or physically from you.
- You feel jealous and suspicious—and that’s not your nature.
Another sign of emotional cheating? Projection, as I saw. “One of the most painful dynamics in emotional cheating is when the unfaithful partner turns the tables, accusing the other partner of being controlling or secretive,” says Shaw. “This is often a way to deflect guilt and avoid accountability—it’s a gaslighting tactic that leaves the betrayed partner questioning their own reality, deepening the wound.”
How does emotional cheating impact a relationship?
Of course, emotional cheating can also be a slippery slope that leads straight to a full-blown affair. But even if it never gets that far, it can still shatter hearts. It takes attention and energy away from the primary connection, sowing seeds of disconnection, destruction, distrust. “It breaks core relationship agreements even while physical and sexual boundaries are not crossed,” says relationship and intimacy coach Jodie Milton.
And anyway, it’s hard to feel secure in a relationship when your partner is turning to someone else for the kinds of “deep conversations, support, or intimacy that should only be shared between the two of you,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Melissa Legere. “Emotional cheating can really hurt your partner and lead to feelings of insecurity, resentment, and betrayal.”
Betrayal is its own special kind of hell. “It often leads to a trauma response in the injured partner—similar to what we see in cases of significant trust violations,” notes Shaw. “This can include hyper-vigilance, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and difficulty regulating emotions.” The betrayed partner may eventually feel like the entire relationship was a hollow farce, and wonder, Was any of it real at all?
“The pain isn’t just about the emotional connection their partner had with someone else—it’s about the lies, the secrecy, and the feeling of being emotionally replaced,” Shaw adds.
Can a relationship work after emotional cheating?
It’s hard to come back from any kind of infidelity, emotional or otherwise. Hard—but not impossible. “Many times, emotional cheating is a symptom of unmet needs within the relationship,” explains Giolitti-Wright. “Instead of addressing those feelings together, one person starts seeking emotional fulfillment elsewhere.”
That’s a bitter pill for a betrayed partner to swallow—but it’s still not an excuse for someone else’s unethical, sketchy, or cruel behavior. To initiate the repair of the relationship, the cheater must first be willing to admit their fault. “They must take full accountability for their actions—no minimizing, deflecting, or blaming the relationship for their choices,” says Shaw. “They have to show up emotionally. The betrayed partner needs validation, not dismissal.”
Next, both partners need to do some soul-searching together, ideally with the help of a couples therapist who can mediate and provide direction. “Only by identifying the root cause can the couple work on strengthening their connection,” says Giolitti-Wright. “Rebuilding trust doesn’t happen overnight, but with open conversations, vulnerability, and effort from both partners, healing is possible.”
That’s not to say that it always works. Sometimes, it’s best just to walk away from the relationship. “Some couples build something new, while others realize the break was too deep,” says Shaw. “Either way, healing means choosing honesty over illusion, courage over avoidance, and authenticity over fear.”
As Giolitti-Wright puts it: “True intimacy comes from deepening the bond with your partner, not outsourcing it.”
