While it may not be as blatant as physical infidelity, nor as insidious as an emotional affair, so-called “micro-cheating” can be harmful just the same. “It’s like death by a thousand paper cuts, except the paper cuts are to your trust,” says marriage and family therapist Erin Pash.
Though the term attracted new attention last year, after Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards liked an Instagram post about micro-cheating in the wake of her split from her husband, Mauricio Umansky, micro-cheating is not often easy to define. Below, everything you need to know about micro-cheating—including how to spot the signs.
What is micro-cheating?
Micro-cheating refers to small breaches in trust that indicate a person is emotionally or physically invested in someone outside of their relationship. As the term suggests, these transgressions can be subtle. “Micro-cheating exists in that uncomfortable gray zone where behaviors aren’t overtly unfaithful, but still create fractures in the foundation of trust,” says Daren Banarsë, a London-based senior psychotherapist. “The danger isn’t just in the individual acts, but in how they represent a gradual erosion of the boundaries that protect your primary relationship.”
These acts can be anything: flirting with a stranger at a bar, texting an ex, or joining a dating app. The characteristics they have in common: They’re done covertly and violate the implicit agreements of your relationship.
“What makes micro-cheating particularly insidious is how it operates through secrecy, emotional investment, and a subtle sexual undercurrent,” notes Banarsë. “Even without physical contact, it can create a parallel emotional world that excludes your partner.”
Examples of micro-cheating
Micro-cheating is basically any small transgression that causes your partner to question your commitment or interest. The undercurrent is usually sexual, but it can also be merely emotional, or just hint at availability. “Micro-cheating often involves the subtle language of non-verbal cues,” says couples therapist Terri DiMatteo. “It could be a glance, a laugh, or non-sexual touching that’s too familiar or intimate.”
Other examples of micro-cheating include:
- Secretly messaging someone
- Deleting messages
- Complaining about your partner to other people
- Maintaining contact with your exes or people you used to talk to
- Lying about your relationship status online or offline
- Being touchy with someone else
- Trying to impress someone who isn’t your partner
- Having a secret friendship
- Cyberstalking someone you find attractive
- Maintaining a dating app profile
- Talking suggestively or sexting with someone who is not your partner
- Following and engaging with exes on social media
- Lying about meeting up with someone who is not your partner
- Removing your engagement or wedding ring in certain situations
- Sending selfies or nudes to someone who is not your partner
- Trying to make someone notice you in a romantic way
- Sharing knowing looks with someone behind your partner’s back
How is micro-cheating different than just...cheating?
Here’s the thing: cheating—micro- or otherwise—is subjective. What defines a betrayal, infidelity, or breach of trust depends entirely on the relationship. Yet in most cases, monogamous couples define cheating “as some sort of sexual engagement,” says Shainna Ali, PhD, a licensed mental health counselor. “Micro-cheating includes the less overt aspects of cheating that may still be perceived as disrespectful.”
Much like an emotional affair or so-called “innocent” flirting, micro-cheating can be a slippery slope. “Oftentimes, micro-cheating encompasses the easily brushed-off behaviors that, when accumulated, can pave a one-way path to infidelity,” Ali says. In other words, the behaviors may be less dramatic or obvious, but the impact of micro-cheating can be just as damaging to a relationship as more clear-cut forms of cheating.
How can you tell if someone is micro-cheating?
Because micro-cheating is subjective, it’s a good idea to have a solid sense of what defines cheating to you—and to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. “This shared reality is the best way to understand what qualifies as micro-cheating in your relationship,” says Ali.
And if attempts to discuss actions or behaviors that you deem suspicious are met with accusations, stonewalling, or blame-shifting? Banarsë says that oftentimes, a partner who is cheating will “become more distant while simultaneously seeming energized by outside connections. Watch for the sudden need for privacy around phones and computers, defensive reactions when you ask about certain friendships, or a shift in emotional availability.”
Often, a subtle shift in emotional availability may be what tips you off in the first place. “Trust your instincts when something feels off,” Banarsë advises. “That nagging sense of disconnection usually points to emotional energy being diverted elsewhere.”
How to navigate micro-cheating in your relationship
Communication is key to addressing any relationship issue, including micro-cheating. As triggered as you may be, however, it likely won’t be productive to come at your partner in anger, so take the opportunity to practice your regulation techniques. “Start by releasing the need to be right about every suspicion, and instead focus on expressing your genuine feelings without attacking,” says Banarsë. “Create space for honest conversation by approaching your partner with curiosity rather than accusation.”
A simple “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you lately” is usually a good opener. “The real work involves both partners examining not just the behaviors themselves, but the underlying vulnerabilities that allowed boundaries to blur,” Banarsë says.
In other words, micro-cheating usually doesn’t exist in a vacuum. “Often, it’s a symptom of something else, like a lack of emotional intimacy, a fear of commitment, boredom, or unaddressed resentment,” says licensed mental health counselor Veronica Lichtenstein.
Healthy relationships must be nurtured—and a supportive partner will address your concerns without dismissing them. They’ll also make an effort to change their behavior and repair the rupture in your trust. If they can’t or won’t do that, there may be a larger compatibility issue at play. As Banarsë puts it, “Recovery requires accepting the discomfort of uncertainty while choosing to trust the process of rebuilding.”
