Have you started building your festive roster yet? Ideally, you’ll want to have about three people circulating, four if you’ve got the time. One might be great for Friday nights: some overpriced cocktails here, a spontaneous quickie there. Another suits for Sundays, when one of you pores over what takeout to order while the other tackles Netflix. And, if you time it right, the other is your perfect plus-one, primed to tackle nosy family members at Christmas gatherings, one pre-approved dad joke at a time.
In today’s dating scene, the roster is no longer just an eccentricity practiced by the particularly horny and well-organized. It’s a survival mechanism, one that has become integral in the run-up to silly season, when everyone who’s single is more than ready to jingle.
To be clear, I’m talking about dating multiple people at once. And, yes, I’m aware this is hardly a revolutionary strategy. But it wasn’t something I ever noticed my single friends doing, at least not so intentionally, until recently. Now, though, we’re all drinking the roster Kool-Aid. And let me tell you: it’s delicious.
“I need to add an older man to my roster,” a friend recently mused. “Just, like, someone that knows where all the good restaurants are but still has hair. That would be nice.” Another newly single pal told me she’s looking to recruit younger. Or, as she put it, “a kinky little Gen-Z freak that can show me what the kids are up to these days.” One is in the market for an artist “to equalize the corporate energy”—she’s a banker.
Don’t let chatter like this fool you into thinking the roster is just about broadening your sexual palette or following some sort of Sex and the City wish-fulfilment. There are legitimate benefits to dating this way, particularly if you’re someone who has a tendency to fixate on anyone that shows even a modicum of interest—you know, the most jaded among us, for whom a simple compliment is practically a marriage proposal. The ones whose entire nervous system collapses every time they see the little chat bubble. People who spend the day after a date writing sonnets in their Notes app.
“It helps me maintain perspective and not feel too bound to anyone,” says Leila*, 29, who has been a major advocate of roster-dating since she broke up with her long-term partner four years ago. “Online dating can make you feel weirdly committed to someone, when realistically you’ve only just met them. When you date a few people at once, it can be a good reminder that there are plenty of fish in the sea and you don’t have to doggedly pursue something that isn’t working.” Harriet*, 36, agrees: “It stops me getting so attached to one person and [helps me remember] I have plenty of options.”
Personally, I’ve also found that having a roster helps to put the fun back into dating. You can enjoy getting to know new people without putting pressure on yourself or them. There are caveats, of course; as much as I’d like to channel Samantha Jones, I’m not entirely sold on the idea of sleeping with multiple people at the same time—the fear of saying someone else’s name in bed looms large. I also know that there’s a limit on how long I could feasibly date several people at the same time logistically, conversationally, and emotionally. I’d need a spreadsheet just to keep track of which anecdotes I’d wheeled out on which dates; it would help if I knew how to use Microsoft Excel.
I should point out that roster-dating is generally not the same as practicing polyamory; all of the people I’ve spoken to with rosters are monogamous and dating this way in the hope of ultimately finding a long-term partner, though with a more fluid, less traditional, approach. It’s not as counter-productive as it sounds. “Dating multiple people offers a path to deepening one’s relationship with oneself,” explains Marina Lazariz, a relationship coach and author. “Instead of getting overly invested in one individual too soon—which can lead to emotional dependence and potential hurt—it creates a balanced perspective, viewing dating as a journey of self-discovery. It also allows people to explore what they enjoy, what they value, and what they’re truly looking for in a partner.”
It can build confidence, too, which is crucial when you consider the proliferation of callousness in modern dating; ghosting and breadcrumbing are unavoidable guarantees. “Seeing different people is like a masterclass in relationship skills,” adds Marie Morice, a clinical sexologist. “It requires emotional intelligence, the ability to read cues, set boundaries, keep an open and curious mind, and practice healthy communication.”
Of course, some people might be reaching for a roster for the wrong reasons—because just as it can alleviate some of the anxieties we attach to romance, it can exacerbate others in more insidious ways. “I have a roster because everyone has a roster, but it’s definitely not healthy,” says Maya*, 31, who admits she probably dates this way to manage her own insecurities. “I like knowing that if one guy isn’t replying to me, I can just text another one,” she adds. “But if the men I met were better, I wouldn’t need a roster at all and could put time and effort into one person.”
Ultimately, it’s about your attitude to it all. If you find yourself reliant on multiple people to ensure you’re never alone or without someone to flirt with, then you’re probably kidding yourself that roster-dating is benefitting anything other than a burgeoning love addiction. It can also be a great way of avoiding ever actually entering into a relationship at all; the lack of commitment feels like a safer alternative to actually letting someone in.
“I think having a roster is the definition of being emotionally unavailable,” says Niamh*, 30. “If you ensure your eggs are in multiple baskets, you diversify the risk, so there’s less chance of getting hurt. But how could you build anything real? It also gives you a false sense of security, because you feel like there’s lots of single people but you’re not getting close to any of them. You’re actually just all alone.”
This somewhat brutal outlook doesn’t apply to everyone, of course. Perhaps the trick is to think about how you’d feel if the people you were dating had a roster of their own. If the thought conjures up feelings of jealousy, anger, or anxiety, then having a roster probably isn’t for you. If it doesn’t, go forth and multiply your dating pool. And maybe consider familiarizing yourself with Excel.
*Names have been changed