Love (and Life) in the Time of Corona? Introducing Vogue’s New Interview Series: A Zoom of One’s Own

[upbeat music]

Hi guys, I m Jesse.

I m the executive editor of Vogue.com,

I m here with Puja from our social team,

Naomi from our fashion team,

and we are here to talk about sex and relationships

in the time of coronavirus.

Today we re joined by Slutuver founder,

and Vogue sex columnist Karley Sciortino,

Karley,

Hello.

What have your two weeks been like?

Okay, so, I am living with my boyfriend,

we ve been living together for like two and a half years,

we live in LA, and we re in an apartment with our dog,

and I ve been working from home since

basically the dawn of time

so it s not a huge shift for me to be home all the time,

and have him here, but obviously,

not having access to other people has been difficult.

So basically, I realized there s a lot of articles online,

recently that are basically like

top 10 tips to not murder your partner during quarantine

and there s this idea that being trapped with

your partner in your house is some cruel and unusual torture

and I have just felt like how strange,

cause aren t you supposed to be in love with that person

and if it is torture,

maybe you should reevaluate your relationship.

But I m trying the best I can,

we are, to frame this as a positive, right?

To think of what are the things that--

how could you invest in your relationship while you re here

now that you have time.

So we ve been trying new stuff,

like every day we go to a park,

like, a big park where you can be spread out from people

and walk the dog, or walk along the beach,

and doing a lot of processing because we now have the time.

Oh my god, I feel like I wish I was next to my partner,

we re completely quarantined from each other,

so I always see those tweets, and I m like

these people are so lucky to have their partner with them.

When I have to FaceTime my partner six times a day

and then not even know what to talk about

because we talked about literally any and everything

that comes to mind.

So I guess one question I have for you would be

how to keep that intimacy intact?

When you re apart?

Yeah.

Well, are you guys gonna be apart for the long haul?

Like, why are you guys apart right now?

Well he had it, he had coronavirus.

Oh my god.

So he still has the symptom of it so,

he s probably gonna need to be in quarantine

for at least another week,

and then it won t be contagious five days after that.

And then I m quarantining myself

to make sure that I don t have it,

and I still have a week left.

Oh man, that s really hard.

Yeah, and I m alone!

It makes you feel psychotic.

Well, my suggestion, what I ve been doing with friends

because I started Zooming all my friends

and then it became really exhausting

to just sit and FaceTime with them constantly,

so I ve actually been trying to do things

that are non-verbal,

like, I sit with my mom on Zoom, and I cook and she cooks

and we kind of like sometimes interact with each other,

but it truly feels like, I think, being around somebody.

Obviously, with intimate partner it sucks,

because you can t have physical contact,

but I think not forcing yourself to be constantly talking

while interacting is helpful

cause, does it start to feel like pressure?

Mmhm, yeah.

And I m a Virgo, I m constantly like

we need to be talking about something,

if we re not, then something s wrong

and I m like oh god, we re breaking up,

but it s not the case.

He s way more laid back then me,

so we re a good match in a sense.

And how long have you guys been dating?

About, well, seriously dating for a year,

but we ve been together for two years.

Okay, that s a while.

Yeah, I feel like you could shut up at this point

like sometimes when you re in the stage

where you re not sure,

if it s an awkward silence, you re like it s over

but I feel like now you could just kind of stare into space.

Or like, even watch a movie on FaceTime?

You ever done that?

We ve been Netflix Partying.

Have you guys been Netflix Partying?

I haven t done that yet.

It s where you can--

Netflix has this new extension

where you can watch a movie with someone by chatting

like you can do a whole chatroom

and that s what we ve been doing, and it s been fun.

We Netflix party on FaceTime, while watching the video.

That is love.

Kind of overkill, but you know,

but you gotta keep it alive [laughs].

Have people in this chatbox,

who have been having FaceTime sex?

Well, okay, so that was gonna be my question,

because I am single.

And yesterday,

it s almost been two weeks since this quarantine

and yesterday, I was on two dating apps,

as of this morning I m now on three.

And I feel like some of them are getting to that next level

but I just don t really know

how to initiate a FaceTime date.

I actually had an accidental one this morning

via Instagram DM, [audio cuts out] and glasses.

Are all of your openers corona based?

There s just nothing hot about being like

so what are you doing in quarantine?

Right!

I feel like all of them--

like, if you try to be sexy about corona, it s very tough

it s just dead in the water.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So like yeah, Karley, how do you think that we could take

either something from a dating app,

or turn a text into a sext?

You guys like I don t know [laughs].

Karley, come on.

You mean how do I initiate a FaceTime meet,

or how to make a FaceTime date feel exciting?

I feel like initiating is what I need help with personally

because we ll be talking for so long

and then they ll kind of hint at it

and I m not gonna be like hey let s FaceTime.

But I wanna do it in a kinda cute way that s not awkward

because I do think that it is pretty awkward

to have your first date on FaceTime.

Yeah, but like friends that I know who have been doing it

have made it more like an actual date.

Like let s meet up for drinks at 7:00.

And, I think that that s kinda fun

because it does make it feel like an actual date

you have time to set up the lighting,

gotta get the lighting situation good,

you can have a drink,

I mean, my anxiety for other people with FaceTime dates

is that there s no natural ending, it s not like

oh, the movie s over, or like we finished dinner

and way we paid, so it s like you re not having fun,

you can t be like oh, I have to get up early for work

because no one has to be anywhere, ever again [laughs].

Exactly.

But I think the idea of initiating,

I just feel like it s so increasingly widespread

and also, there was something kind of nice and intimate

and exciting about it.

Cause it s like nerveracking, it s vulnerable.

But there is something nice about it.

You re not the only person feeling that

I think that they re feeling that as well.

Right.

Like are you scared to ask just because it s awkward?

No, I don t think I m scared to ask,

I just don t want--

I feel like the way I ve been approached by it

well, my one date this morning that didn t mean to happen

was he literally just sent me a FaceTime

and I accidentally clicked it

and I was like oh my god,

and I had four buns and glasses.

And then I just ended it.

And he was like I just FaceTimed you,

and I was like, it s 9AM.

That s a deal breaker immediately, no matter what.

Pandemic or otherwise, like that sounds like--

does this person have no sense of--

does he have a job?

I mean like, come on.

Spain.

What?

He s in Spain because at this point,

I m just matching with anyone worldwide

because it s basically

the same thing as dating someone here.

You re very global, you re very global.

I m a global-trotter.

Yeah, you re a virtual globe-trotter.

Yeah, so it s like you re dating blind.

I have to tell you, the idea of going on a blind Zoom date

makes me wanna kill myself.

I cannot imagine anything more nerveracking in the world

than being on--

and it s strange because

in a very sort of technical capacity, it s so much safer

than meeting someone up for a drink

but there s something about it that just feels

like weirdly intimate, like you re bringing someone

into your house the first time that you meet them.

Like that is a strange concept,

it s just hard to wrap your mind around it, right?

I haven t thought about it like that.

Either you literally see their room, that is intimate,

I never thought of it like that either.

Yeah.

Also, where do you go from a first FaceTime date?

Now I m in the kitchen, before I was [laughs]

Right, a different room tour every single day.

Now I ll show you the bed.

Karley, do you feel like lots of people

are coming to you and asking you different questions

now that we re in this strange

and incredibly difficult time?

Like what have your friends

and fans been coming to you with more than anything?

A lot of people are talking about dating on FaceTime,

and also whether or not it feels--

like how do you escalate into the real world

and whether or not that s morally complicated.

I started thinking this morning

how it s interesting that sex and dating,

you know, sex primarily has all these moral complications

as it is, and now there s

these additional moral complications?

That have to do with risking other people s health

as well as your own?

It s just sort of a funny thing

but a friend of mine had this big crush on this guy,

she went on two FaceTime dates with

and they were just drinking together,

and now, today, they were going on a social distance walk

where they are six feet apart, and I mean,

and another friend of mine said she met up with someone

on a bench and they just sat on each end of the bench

and there s something I think that s

so interesting and romantic

about the creative ways that people

continue to connect with each other in this strange time.

And also, there is something kind of hot

about having to stand six feet apart from somebody.

You know what I mean, it s like that tension.

Yeah.

Yeah, do you feel like there s any benefits, potentially

to being on FaceTime or interacting in technology,

versus if you were just regularly dating?

I feel like you can tell a lot about someone s mannerisms

by what they do on FaceTime if that makes sense

because it s just them and their phone

so I feel like when you re on a date

you can kind of distract yourself other things

but when it s just them holding their phone up

you can tell a lot about them if that makes sense?

Like I feel like you skip a lot

of the getting to know each other

and you just go straight in,

so it s kind of like an intense first date

but in a good way.

Yeah, It s just--

Oh, sorry,

Yeah.

I was just gonna say, do you feel like more people

are sliding into your DMs now?

Like I feel like people are like

I m in a desperate, dire need to make it somehow sexy

for myself alone,

and I m like, what s your end goal, you live in California?

We re so far away from each other normally,

and like the idea of getting on a plane,

like my goodness, come on.

But I guess people are just like whatever,

it s like war times.

Right.

Right.

Well there is this idea that natural disasters

make people horny because it reminds us of our mortality

and the fleeting nature of our lives

and so you wanna fuck, basically,

but then may be very complicated when you can t have sex

without giving people a disease, essentially.

I think people are just frantically trying to release

their weird, horny energy in any way that they can.

Like creepy, non-consensual DMs, I guess?

How would you be approaching this period, Karley,

if you were not in a relationship.

I do think the idea, like you said,

of having these intimate conversations with people

where you can t look at your phone,

you can t be distracted by talking about

what you re gonna order in a restaurant,

and even sex-wise, you can t--

Like, with sex sometimes when you re dating,

you can kind of get around the vulnerability

by drinking a lot and going back to your house,

and the lights are off and you kind of stumble around

and you end up having sex with somebody,

even if it s fun,

without really looking at them. or connecting.

And you can kind of be half-there,

even though you re really there.

While on FaceTime, you were saying,

you have to present,

like look them in the eye the whole time,

I mean, having sex on FaceTime, I think, in a lot ways

is scarier and more vulnerable than having sex with someone

in real life because you have to look at their face.

Like, directly in their face [laughs].

Yeah, I mean just thinking about it

makes me wanna throw my phone out the window.

How are you keeping it interesting between--

like you re with your significant other

24-seven, like how are you constantly

changing things up, are you going in different rooms

and FaceTiming each other and having phone sex?

Let s see how the other half lives [laughs].

Well we created a code for when we need space

because I m super in an apartment,

I think the goal is to mitigate stress and fighting

to just have good boundaries, otherwise it s gonna descend,

so basically, one of us says I need a break,

the other person has to immediately stop talking

and not take it personally

and then you just separate and go into different rooms.

But I think--

the other thing is, I ve been cooking a lot

which I never usually did and I feel like

cooking is a way where you can communicate love and care

without having be--

you know, you can cook in the other room

and you don t have to talk to each other

and it s just a way that you--

Like, doing things for each other

that aren t talking-based, exercising around each other

without needing to talk.

But, this is gonna sound dire and basic,

but the philosopher Alain de Botton talks about sex a lot.

So his thing was where it s like

if you wanna appreciate your partner,

think about them dying in a car accident.

And I was like whoa, that s intense.

Oh my god.

Wow.

Any time, when everything seems so fleeting and precarious

how could you not be thinking about how much

you appreciate the people that you love

and I feel like that reminding yourself that over and over,

it is an incredible thing for any relationship,

and my mom said this wonderful thing the other day,

she was like I feel closer to your dad then ever

because I feel like it s us against the world

and I don t know, this isn t like keeping it sexy,

but I do think when you feel in love and appreciate a person

that creates space for it to be sexy.

I m like yeah, I have a boyfriend.

Hey, you re about to be on like your

second FaceTime date so.

No.

No.

Who knows.

Didn t one of you guys just break up?

I did.

Because I heard people who just broke up

are getting back together,

because fuck it, we re gonna be dating anyone else.

Talk to me in like a few weeks.

No, I wouldn t say we just broke up,

we broke up a couple months ago, but I mean, you know,

I think it definitely has--

there have been so many articles like now is the time

to reach out to your ex,

now is the time to extend an olive branch to people

who are no longer in your life

and that is very much, romantic or otherwise, I feel that.

I feel that is sort of, because, as isolated as we all are

we are all in this together, in this very cheesy way

of putting that, but we are all experiencing this same virus

in different shades and capacities,

but we are all living through this.

So I think it s made people more willing

to put things in the past and know what s important,

sort of what you were saying.

But no, I have not yet gotten back together with him,

but maybe I could send him a sext

and we could just see where it goes, what do you think?

Yes.

I don t know.

My therapist would disagree, but whatever.

I know, my mentality is I m bored,

so why not create some chaos, and I need to chill.

No, that s the worst thing that you could possibly do.

I know.

The other thing that I wanted to talk about is

Karley, have you read the New York City sex guidelines?

Uh, no.

They were like you re your safest partner,

it was very progressive, but it also made--

it was like don t sleep with anyone

who you don t know, ever.

Do you mean for coronavirus, or just for life?

Right?

This does feel weirdly puritanical

and now it s just a recasting of

things that they always wanted to tell people

but now it feels so legitimately pressing.

But because the timeline is indefinite,

accepting a level of celibacy that has no end in sight,

people take vows to do that,

that s no light thing,

that s a real serious restraint

that you would have to really put on yourself.

If we re talking a quarter, like three months,

that s a long time.

So long.

How do you feel,

how do you feel about that?

I feel really--

I m like eh.

I feel like I m an avocado that s two days out

from being too soft to eat.

I m so conscious of the time that I m just like listen,

I m rotting here, I need, I don t know what to say!

It s the weirdest feeling in the world to be like

our most precious commodity is time

and yet I cannot do anything to speed this up,

I am completely beholden to however this virus plays out

and I m not going to compromise my health

or the health of anyone around me but by doing that

it s like pretty wild.

What are the moral, or like,

is there a way where if you start dating someone online

or you with your boyfriend, Naomi,

where you can isolate yourselves for two weeks

and then make a pact to see each other?

Or you wanna do what s right ethically, but I don t know

if there s a way around that.

If you re gonna be in this for the long haul,

and like you said, like, if you start dating someone

on FaceTime, and you don t see anyone else,

could you ultimately see them?

Yeah, I was actually gonna ask that,

if you re both good after a few weeks,

wouldn t that be okay?

I don t know I m just so--

You don t mean morally good, you mean like health-good?

Morally good and whatever.

Health-wise good is not okay.

Once we re in the clear, my boyfriend s gonna come over

and we re gonna be together for the rest of this time.

Being quarantined together, because I need someone with me.

Especially since I m not with my family

I couldn t imagine going through all of this

knowing that I have someone to do it with me

and not him being here with me.

Are you guys sort of trying to be

intimate from afar, Naomi?

Not yet because he was pretty sick.

He was like can you please settle down?

Right, but also just going through this mentally,

he was going through a little bout of depression,

just because he was feeling like I m sick,

I could ve possibly given it to you,

and now I m getting all these different calls

from family members that I haven t even heard from

and it s making me feel pressure as if I m dying, you know?

So we haven t gotten to that place yet

where we re trying to keep it cute and sexy

whereas now we re just trying to maintain

our mental health and sanity and

not go too crazy being in our rooms

because I haven t left my room in three days.

I look out the window now and the older people,

you just see in the windows who are checking in on everyone?

That s me, I m like what are you all doing down there,

what s the weather like.

But also that s a form of intimacy, right?

Sex is a form of intimacy, obviously,

but struggling through that with someone

definitely make you closer at the end.

Do you feel closer just going through that together?

Yeah, definitely,

and it also showed me how--

I could see how his energy shifts

from when he was sick and down

to when he started picking back up

and being back to more himself and it made me happier.

We are essentially in this together, me and him,

and if he s down, I m down, if he s up, I m up

it s definitely made our relationship stronger

and it makes me more excited to take that next step

and live with him.

I mean I wish we lived together already

so we wouldn t have to be separated right now.

It helps you prioritize, that is for sure.

What about you Jesse,

do you think you re gonna start dating again?

Like during this time?

I m sort of like maybe I should just take the quarter off.

I don t know, I m gonna have like a sext ring

and that s just what I m gonna have to do.

It s gonna be a lot of coordination,

and probably not that fulfilling [laughs]

wait, Karley, please, as a sexting--

as someone who does not have tremendous experience sexting,

can you please give us some tips, some tried and true.

I literally just send emojis, I m like oh.

Puja was like the purple devil emoji is sexting.

We re gonna get bored of that real fast.

It has to be versatile, right?

So I think that to me, referencing things that have

already happened feels safe territory

because I just cannot without melting into embarrassment

be like oh I m imagining myself lifting off your shirt

or whatever, I mean maybe some people can do that

without seeming totally awkward, I can t do that.

I mean, saying sexy stuff to me often feels embarrassing

so just send a picture of your bra, I don t know.

I just keep my face zen because whatever s gonna happen

is gonna happen, obviously.

Sexy photos are always a good one.

Yeah.

I sent a video of me dancing, he loved it.

I send my Raya date of one week a video of me dancing,

he s like block.

Yeah, I feel like if if I send video of me dancing,

mm, you re not the one.

The one thing that I will say, the tiniest silver lining

about all of this is that everyone is very responsive

and attentive via text and dating app because

what else are they doing?

Yeah.

So I ve gotten the quickest responses ever

and I just feel like that is great but then

after a while, I m like--

Yeah, people are FaceTiming you at nine in the morning,

they can t get enough.

Right, right.

And you know someone s not interested

because they re definitely not busy,

so you learn very fast if someone doesn t like you.

Exactly, it s very hard to ghost someone in this time.

Karley, can you share two of your weirdest DMs

that you ve gotten during the coronavirus crisis?

I looked it up because you mentioned that

and I could only find one.

That s fine.

It was in the other inbox, you know what I mean?

So that s like the dark web, dark web

but then I just got a message

from this guy who had no photos

and a weird emoji for a picture

and it just said I wanna give you my virus.

[gasps] No!

Instant block.

They re like which virus.

That s so crazy, that s like the guy from Florida

who s like if I get corona, I get corona,

who s drinking a Corona.

The person who said that to you is 100% from Florida.

I m from Florida, we both are!

We re both from Florida.

Karley, this has been so great,

we really appreciate you coming on to Zoom

and I think I m gonna go sext my ex-boyfriends.

Or like, don t do it.

Maybe not, maybe not.

Okay, thank you.

See you next week, bye.

Bye.