In 1948, Vogue published its 658-page Book of Etiquette, compiled by editor Millicent Fenwick, featuring how-tos, dos and don’ts, and the proper politesse for a remarkably varied set of scenarios. But as Fenwick writes in the introduction: “Etiquette is based on tradition, and yet it can change.” Some 75 years later, Oh, Behave! is a new monthly Vogue column in which experts sound off on today’s ever-evolving social etiquette.
Once upon a time, kingdoms literally legislated style. Medieval sumptuary laws dictated who could wear what—velvet for nobles, pearls for the pious, gold for the crown. Dress above your rank and you risked more than a side-eye; it was a punishable offense. These days, the only monarchs policing jewelry are your group chat and Instagram comments—but make no mistake, sparkle still comes with rules.
For this month’s Oh, Behave!, Vogue turns to two masters of ornamentation. Lisa Eisner—the L.A. jeweler, photographer, and patron saint of Western maximalism—has long believed jewelry should be worn loudly (“Jewelry has a noise,” she says. “I must sound like a wind chime to most people”). Opposite her sits Jon Batiste, the Oscar-, Grammy-, and Golden Globe–winning musician whose taste in jewels rivals his talent—and who, when not releasing rootsy records like his new album Big Money, is writing odes to candy necklaces with Lana Del Rey.
Together, they tackle life’s most glittering dilemmas: how to tell Granny you’d like to inherit her ring, whether reworking an heirloom is sacrilege or self-expression, and the eternal question—can you ever really wear too much jewelry? (Lisa: “You can’t.” Jon: “Depends who you are.”)
Vogue: How do you tell granny you’d like to inherit a piece from her collection?
Eisner: I would just take it! Because granny’s mind is not so hot. It would probably be like, “Oh granny, what happened to that?” And then secretly put it in your pocket. Or, “Granny, you know what, I’m worried that something’s going to happen to that, so why don’t you let me just hold on to it for a while in safekeeping?” Convince her that you’re the one who will keep it safe from anyone else taking it.
Batiste: You don’t. That’s wild. You just hope and pray.
What’s the etiquette for borrowing jewelry from family?
Eisner: Oh, God. I have people do that all the time from me. Let me just tell you: If people borrow my jewelry, the one thing that I request is that you can’t wear your perfume—I’m like an anti-perfume person. I’d rather it come back smelling like someone’s B.O. than someone’s perfume.
Batiste: You do it and you return it before they notice. It’s family. It’s all about us.
Can you rework a family heirloom, or is that disrespectful?
Eisner: Absolutely. I think that’s fantastic! Especially if it’s the difference between you wearing it and not wearing it. Repurposing is a beautiful thing, especially with stones, or even if you melt the gold down and make something else, I like that. But if you’re going to melt it down, I want that goal to be making a new piece of jewelry rather than selling the gold—you get more bang for your buck.
Batiste: Everything just evolves over time. I think that it’s okay.
Do you have to be an aristocrat to wear a signet ring?
Eisner: No! That’s so funny. What even is an aristocrat anymore—are you kidding? You can just be a penniless bohemian for sure. I mean, why not even make your own signet ring with your own family crest? That’s just completely make-believe. Like, who cares? I’m sure half the aristocrats have fake crests anyway.
Batiste: Absolutely not. You can wear anything as long as you have the intentionality behind it and the soul to pull it off.
After such a high‐profile museum robbery at the Lourve, should you take extra precautions when wearing rare gems publicly?
Eisner: I guess I would be careful, but what a drag! If you have something to show off but cannot wear it to a few fancy parties—not so fun just wearing it around the house. Also, if you’re that rich to buy, I suppose you have bodyguards and lots of security. Or maybe you get a duplicate costume piece made and wear that. People do that with paintings.
If a piece has murky historical origins (stolen jewels! shady provenance!), are you less attracted to it? Where would you draw the line and not wear it?
Eisner: Why would you even buy it if there is no value or if it is hard to sell? Unless you take it apart and make a new necklace. But honestly, I feel those things—jewels have energy, and I wouldn’t want that energy around me.
Is it ever acceptable for a married man or woman to take off their wedding bands?
Eisner: I think that is kind of weird, honestly. Wedding bands, after a while, they’re almost built into your skin, and they’re really hard to take off because they’ve been stuck there, and your knuckles get bigger, and I think it’s harder and harder the older you get. It’s just like a permanent thing. You can never get it off.
Batiste: If it’s getting repaired, sure. Or if it’s getting upgraded. Always wear the wedding band.
If you want an engagement ring “upgrade,” how do you ask for one?
Eisner: Like, if it’s a really small diamond and you want a bigger one? That’s a little embarrassing. It’s like telling somebody their penis is too little or something. But I guess you could say, “This is just my thing, but my hands are so big. It has nothing to do with the diamond. It’s just my hands are so big.”
Batiste: You don’t wear it. You don’t wear the current one, and you just wait for them to notice.
How can you tell a significant other that you don’t love a jewelry gift?
Eisner: I’ve been through this so many times! I always think this is wrong, but some people will keep something, even if they hate it, just because their husband gave it to them. Well, first of all, you have to just make it clear that it’s best before they buy anything, for them to talk to your best friend or your sister or someone who knows what you want. My husband’s given me things where he went out and got something, and I’m like, “Do you even know who I am?”
Batiste: Well, my wife and I have a very honest and forthright relationship. If she didn’t like it or if I didn’t like it, we’d say that to each other directly. But if this is advice for other folks that don’t have that kind of relationship, then I would suggest they hint at giving it to somebody else as a gift.
What should you do with jewelry from an ex?
Eisner: Well, it depends on how much you like it. But just make it feel like it has no memories—think of it as a piece you got at a vintage or antique store. But if you really hate them, sell it or melt it down. Or, give it to your granddaughter or something.
Batiste: Burn it. You shouldn’t keep it. Items have a spiritual energy to them. Purge and evolve; catharsis and release.
Is it still common etiquette to return the ring if an engagement is broken off?
Eisner: If you break it off, maybe you go, “Listen, you probably want this back.” If they break it off, you keep it. Are you kidding?
Batiste: There are all types of different scenarios. There’s no one-size-fits-all. Generally, the most graceful thing to do across the board would be to give it back, but in some circumstances, that’s a radical act. But if she has the ring because he’s already proposed to her, it’d be nice if she gave it back, but it’s not necessary.
After a divorce, what should you do with the engagement ring?
Eisner: Give it to your kids if you have kids with them.
Batiste: I don’t know. I don’t think about that one too much.
Can you wear diamonds to the gym, or is that too extravagant?
Eisner: Sometimes, I feel like if you go to the gym and don’t have diamonds on, they’re not gonna let you in—that’s basically how it is here [in Los Angeles] anyway! Especially if you’re sweating and you’re all sloppy. It’s like, at least you’re a rich woman working out.
Batiste: Because I’m a stage performer and I’m also someone who is really considered a fashion plate, I go back and forth. So sometimes you can catch me in places with diamonds on, like the gym or the subway. Other times, it’ll be the complete opposite, and there’s no rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes I’ll have residue from an event the night prior, and I just go with it. The energy will still be on me or the desire to keep the diamonds on, so I’ll just go with it.
Should you sleep in your jewelry?
Eisner: I find it very hard to sleep in jewelry. I can’t sleep in earrings. No way! I have a St. Christopher that I never take off, but even when I go to sleep, I take that off. Unless you have that Cartier screw bracelet that you can never take off, you can take it off.
Batiste: Sleep in it. I slept in it last night. I wear jewelry, but I don’t wear tons of things. I mostly wear necklaces and pinky rings.
Are anklets and toe rings chic or tacky?
Eisner: I love an anklet! I mean a toe ring—sure, if you can pull it off. Somebody could make it look fantastic. Depends on you. Depends on your toes. They can be ugly or good.
Batiste: Definitely not for me. It’s a deterrent. I’ve never seen it and liked it.
Should you wear a watch with evening wear?
Eisner: You know, the older you get, the worse your eyes get, and those dials tend to be small. So like an evening watch, it’s so chic. It’s basically just a bracelet because you’re not even looking at it as a watch. If you need the time, you’re just going to look at your phone.
Batiste: I’m a huge watch guy, so it takes a lot for me to want to put on a watch, but when I do put on a watch, I’ve researched it a lot. I mean, you can wear a watch with evening wear, but it really has to be elegant. It’s only certain brands that have watches that I feel like are elegant enough. Patek Philippe, the IWC 18-karat Calatrava, or the yellow gold 30mm Calatrava. I wore a great one, I believe it was to the Oscars. And there’s a new brand, J.N. Shapiro, which connects to a certain elegance. I’ve worn Cartier watches, which have that elegance to them; I’ve probably worn those the most of all. Oh, and Berneron. You know, I gave you my top five. I can’t give out all my secrets.
What about Apple Watches or fitness trackers with eveningwear?
Eisner: Maybe a fitness tracker is a little far—I’m not sure if I could find the exception. Though people wear their Aura rings with their diamonds, I guess that’s okay.
Batiste: You know, when the Apple Watch first came out, I did an endorsement for them. I like them more as a utilitarian device, which is what got me into it in the first place. To keep track of your health, your life, your energy—and you don’t want to have to think about it—that’s what I like about them. But I don’t know if I like them as eveningwear, though. Definitely not actually.
When traveling, should you bring the real pieces, alternatives, or a mix?
Eisner: I make big jewelry with 24-karat gold. So when I travel, I love bringing my bronze pieces instead—you can throw ’em around. One, gold is heavier; bronze is lighter. And when you’re traveling, you don’t feel so precious about it. Having a hundred thousand dollars of gold traveling around with you—who wants to freaking worry about that?
Batiste: I carry some of them with me, but I do so in a very unauthorized way. I just wrap them in a silk scarf, put them in a jewelry bag, and put them in my luggage. It’s not even so fancy; it’s like an old scarf with holes in it.
Is “lab or mined?” a polite question, and do you ever need to disclose?
Eisner: I mean, do people even want that much detail? It’s like, “Oh, it’s lab!” I don’t even know if people give a shit.
Batiste: I think that if you are an activist, then it makes sense. But if you are doing it based on a status test, then you’re a jerk. I love the fact that a lot of the diamonds that I wear, if it’s not for a specific brand and it’s in my waking life, they are lab-grown—but I don’t wanna tell people that.
Can you ask someone how many carats their engagement ring is?
Eisner: Yeah. I think you can. Maybe it’s a little tacky, but maybe they want you to ask! I mean, I never have, I’d rather say “Whoa, you could skate on that rock!”
Batiste: The same answer.
Can you ask someone who their jeweler is?
Eisner: Yeah. And then it’d be interesting to see if they actually give you that information. But then again, if it’s like James de Givenchy or one of those guys, I’m sure they’d be happy to tell you.
Batiste: Sure, but it’s like asking who their therapist is.
Is there such a thing as too much jewelry on a woman?
Eisner: You’re asking me that question? I love jewelry when it’s almost like a musical instrument. Jewelry has a noise. And I never thought about it until people are like, “Oh no! I could never wear that! That would drive me crazy.” And I think, “God, I must sound like a wind chime to most people!”
Batiste: Depends on the woman and the jewelry itself. I think everything is one-to-one.
Is there such a thing as too much jewelry on a man?
Eisner: Yeah, that can drive me crazy, actually—but not if you’re Liberace! That was cool. There are always exceptions. You know when guys have a gazillion of those beaded bracelets tangled and jumbled into a knot? That can sometimes drive me crazy. But then they’re the guys in Santa Fe who have concho belts and the matching bolos and giant turquoise braces and the rings and the belt buckle. And I’m like, “Are you kidding? This is the greatest thing I ever saw!” So there are exceptions to those rules. I mean, do I wanna date one of those guys? I’m not sure. But they are amazing!
Batiste: Same thing. One-to-one. You wouldn’t say that if you were talking about Slick Rick. But you might say that if you were talking about the Pope. It’s not about shining and status. To me, it’s more a form of self-expression, and self-expression ties into who you are in the world and what you represent. So it’s all connected to that.
