Jackie Pilossoph is a hopeless romantic. “I love love,” she says. “I can’t get enough rom-coms or romance novels. I’ve been this way since I started dating at 16.”
She’s so infatuated with love, in fact, that her entire career revolves around it. Not only does she write a relationship advice column, but she also runs a business dedicated to cultivating empowerment post-divorce. “I am constantly writing and talking about hope for finding love,” she says.
That’s not to say that her own love life has always been sunsets and champagne. Though she’s happily married now, she admits she’s dealt with her share of unfulfilling past relationships. “I dated someone for several years and I always waited for him to change—but he just didn’t,” Pilossoph says. “Being a hopeless romantic can cause you to put up with a lot of bad behavior.”
Indeed, with all their starry-eyed confidence that “love will find a way,” a hopeless romantic can suffer from a kind of blindness. Studies show that those who have an optimistic outlook tend to be happier overall, but they are also prone to making illogical and potentially harmful decisions.
But being a hopeless romantic doesn’t necessarily mean you’re destined for disappointment—you may just need to learn to manage your expectations. “You can still have a beautiful romantic relationship while being wise and realistic,” promises licensed marriage and family therapist Adrienne L. Marshall. Below, she and other experts share their advice on how to do just that.
What is a hopeless romantic?
Despite the phrasing, hopeless romantics are generally pretty hopeful. “They consistently see the good in others,” says psychologist Shaakira Haywood Stewart.
Of course, this can manifest in a number of ways. A hopeless romantic can be like Pillosoph—into rom-coms and romance novels—or they may fantasize about magical meet-cutes and strolling hand-in-hand with their soulmate in the rain. Regardless, “hopeless romantics live for the epic love story, where every moment feels like it was crafted by a poet,” relationship therapist and dating coach Hannah Reeves explains.
Is being a hopeless romantic bad?
Being a hopeless romantic isn’t inherently “bad.” In fact, it can actually be pretty sweet—especially in an era of cynicism, situationships, and endless swiping. “Being a hopeless romantic means you have a big heart and you’re open to the idea of love, which is refreshing in a world where so many people are closed off,” notes Reeves.
To that end, hopeless romantics can also make effusive, exciting partners. They’re often empathetic, imaginative, and thoughtful; they’ll go all-out to find the perfect gift or plan a memorable date. “A hopeless romantic brings warmth and a sense of opportunity to a relationship,” says dating coach Nash Wright.
The pitfalls of hope
However, there’s a catch: “Outside of being optimistic, hopeless romantics can carry limited and skewed beliefs,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Domenique Harrison. This could be because they have a deep-seated fear of abandonment or an insecure attachment style; they may even subconsciously believe that, without a partner, they’re incomplete. “This can have devastating impacts if left unchecked, and lead to shame, disorientation, and disconnection from the world around them,” Harrison says.
In other words, hopeless romantics can prioritize love to such an extreme that they become slightly delusional. Their quest for love may lead them to constantly pursue unavailable partners, jump from relationship to relationship, or even ignore their own needs in order to stay in a toxic situation.
Great expectations
Naturally, having unrealistic expectations can set the stage for major disappointment—and, make sustaining a lasting relationship more difficult. Because hopeless romantics place an outsize emphasis on grand gestures, they may question their relationship when a partner fails to reciprocate them. They may discount the smaller actions their partner takes, and quieter qualities like honest communication and emotional vulnerability.
“It can be a way to avoid commitment and prevent working through issues,” says licensed therapist Rachel Goldberg. “It can lead to a lot of pressure in a relationship and result in emotional distress when the fantasy is shattered. Over time, it could lead to a pattern of unhealthy relationships or difficulty maintaining long-term commitments.”
Signs you may be a hopeless romantic
Hopeless romantics tend to wear rose-colored glasses, but there are other tell-tale signs, too. “Common characteristics and behaviors of a hopeless romantic include pouring a significant amount of energy into romantic pursuits and creating fantasy scenarios about future plans,” psychotherapist Jessica Gaddy says. Below, a few more signs:
“They may believe that they will find happiness when that ‘one’ person comes into their life,” according to Goldberg.
“Individuals tend to idealize their partners and place them on (perhaps unearned) pedestals,” says Gaddy.
“This could look like canceling plans with a friend or skipping yoga class to meet up for a date,” therapist Alison McKleroy says.
“The idea of fate drives their decisions; they believe love is predetermined or written in the stars,” says dating expert Jasmine Diaz.
“Hopeless romantics may sometimes overlook issues they believe can be fixed or are just a fluke,” says Goldberg. “They may overlook a person’s problematic, hurtful, avoidant, and disingenuous qualities,” Harrison agrees.
“Hopeless romantics hyper-focus on the potential of a beautiful future and do not like to ruminate on the past,” licensed therapist Priya Rednam-Waldo says.
“They may believe that the perfect match is one that has sparks right away that never wane,” Goldberg says.
“Love is always the topic—it’s all they talk about, think about, and dream about. Friendships can become one-sided,” says certified addiction and trauma counselor Audrey Hope.
How to stop being a hopeless romantic
It’s important to note that being a hopeless romantic is only a negative if it’s causing distress or derailing aspects of your life. Thus, the question is not really whether you should give up being a romantic idealist—but, rather, how you can better balance your expectations with reality. “The key lies in how this romantic outlook influences one’s life and relationships,” Paruolo says. “Does it inspire personal growth and a deeper appreciation for love, or does it lead to repeated disappointments?”
If the answer skews towards the latter, you probably need to re-center. Take time to identify the beliefs behind your behavior. “It’s important to ask yourself why you are seeking love and validation from a romantic partner,” Haywood Stewart advises. “If the answer feels too heavy to deal with on your own, seek therapy. This can help you focus on yourself and improve your relationships with others.”
As with most matters of the heart, the old adage of loving yourself before you can love another is also true here. “The foundation of any strong relationship with another person starts with a strong relationship with yourself,” says Rednam-Waldo.
After all, real life and love can be messy, and the people we care about are often imperfect and always complex—just like ourselves. Everyone deserves a partner who truly sees them for who they are, not just through a cinematic lens. “Relationships are work, not just passion and fireworks,” psychotherapist Fatemeh Farahan says. “Instead of chasing the big, sweeping moments, start looking for love in the small, everyday gestures. That’s where the magic really happens. Love isn’t a constant whirlwind—it’s built brick by brick through trust, effort, and mutual respect.”
